I played the fool today
And I can see us vanishing into the crowd
~~~~~

She thought I didnt know. She thought she was protecting me, shielding me from the angry words that he threw at her constantly. I saw the strained happy faces and fake smiles she put on whenever I was around. But I knew exactly what was happening. Even as a little kid I was not blind.

I remember the countless times my mother ended up curled next to me in my arms. I could see the tears running down her face, clutching me tightly as if she was clinging on for dear life. She would lay in the dark for hours with me, unaware that I was awake. Unaware that I could feel the pain he inflicted upon her, that I saw the sadness in her eyes.

The bruises stick out visibly in my mind. Dark, blue, harsh bruises that covered her arms and legs. She would pick me up and wince under all the pain. I remember hospitals. White walled, sterile hospitals that smelled of antiseptic. I never could get used to them. Countless times I visited my mother there. She told often told me she was there because she was sick. She thought I didnt know any better. She thought I didnt know that my father had hit her. But I did, and it scared me. Every time I was in that house alone with him I prayed that my mother would come home soon; fearing the day that she wouldnt.

Still she stayed. Never faltering, never falling; always holding her head high. She never told Grissom, but he was able to figure it out on his own. It wasnt hard to do. Sick days build up, and after awhile she just ran out excuses. I remember the day he confronted her about it. She had run to the office after picking me up from pre-school. I loved that place, always teeming with new experiences, I still do love that place. At the time I was engaging the new CSI whom I affectionately called Uncle Wawwick. We were in the lab when I heard it. Loud ringing voices and hateful words coming from Grissoms office.

Catherine! Damnit Im your friend! Dont lie to me! First he hits you, and now hes cheating on you and you are still going to stay with him?!

Gil Grissom, you dont know what the hell youre talking about! You have no God damn idea!

The screaming just would not stop. It was endless. I dont remember how long they fought for. All I recall is covering my ears and hiding in the corner. It was all my fault; I knew why she stayed. She stayed because of me.

Then I remember my dad. He came violently rushing into the fray. I dont know why he was there, but he was. The yelling grew more intense. I heard banging and crashing and then silence. Just an eerie silence.

Red lights. Ambulance sirens. Policemen. Confusion. It was total confusion. Uncle Wawwickwas holding me close the whole time. I was afraid. I saw my dad being taken away and Grissom speaking to the police. It wasnt until years later did I get the whole story about my fathers violent rampage.

I remember the day she told about the divorce. She didnt expect me to understand and truth be told, I didnt. Daddy was going away was all I knew. We were safe. Together.

Deep in her heart she thought it would be better for me. She knew what it was like to grow up in a broken home; she didnt want that for me. She sacrificed herself for my well-being. So she never told me about her pain, her heartbreak. But I knew. I could see in her eyes. She never asked me what I wanted. All I ever wanted was her.

The End