// sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
don't forget to win first place
don't forget to keep that smile on your face //

It was a small box. Nothing all that special. Slightly bigger than a shoebox, and rectangular in shape. Dust had gathered upon it in a thick layer, fading the pale pink color until it was a dull gray. It sat on the shelf in her closet, pushed far back into the corner. Standing on her tiptoes, Sara grasped it by the edges and pulled it down. Wiping it clean of the dust and opening it up, she stared back at a life she thought she'd locked away forever. She could feel something inside of her break as she sat down on the floor cradling the small box.

***"He's right you know. We all have stuff, Sara. Things we don't talk about around the office. You, Me, Nick, Greg, Doc, Catherine, even Grissom--"***

Tears welled in her eyes as fingered the clothing on the pretty china faced doll. She resisted the urge to smash it to pieces. It was pretty, and it was perfect, and never, more than now, had she wanted to be exactly like it. For years she had kept it in the back of her closet. It seemed so much easier that way, to tuck it away and forget that her past ever existed.

// Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder //

Sometimes ignorance was bliss. And, for her, Vegas was that bliss. At least it was when she decided to move here. Here know one knew her past, no one stared at her with curious eyes. She was able to hide herself here. Sara dove into her work, and was able to protect herself from all of the pain. Not letting anyone know how truly lonely she really was.

"Damn Warrick," she muttered, fingering the lace that lined the bottom of the dolls dress. His words had been digging at her for months, and seeing Grissom and Catherine talking secretly to each other only reinforced that.

She wondered what Catherine had that she didn't.

// How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet//

Catherine never had any trouble finding a suitable man to flirt with. She never knew what it felt like to be completely alone. Warrick adored her, Nick joked around with her, Greg talked himself into the ground whenever she entered the room, and Grissom; he comforted her, wrapped his arms around her shoulders, took care of her when she was sick. She was positive Catherine never had been truly by herself.

All Sara had ever felt was loneliness. Even as a child she'd been secluded. Too smart for the preppy girls, too pretty for the geek crowd, she'd never really fit in. Sara had always been lonely. And looking at this doll, even twenty years later, made that feeling double in its intensity.

The symbol of everything she'd ever hated about her life, and yet, the doll still remained so incredibly beautiful, even after all these years.

// Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud //

Sara remembered when the day it was brought home for her, by her father, for her 8th birthday. It was wrapped in bright pink paper, so inviting any little girl would have wanted to see what was inside. Looking back, it seemed so full of promise. As if that one little thing was the solution to every problem she had in her childhood so far.

And when she had laid eyes on it, it truly was.

But not more than two hours later, she was alone again. In her room, her sanctuary. No cake, no ice cream, no off-key rendition of happy birthday... just her and her doll. Completely alone.

There were many birthdays like that...her parents too wrapped up in themselves to remember things that were important to her.

// I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying //

Idly she wondered if that had ever happened to Catherine. `Probably not,' she mused, placing the doll back into its faded pink box. Catherine was much to outspoken for that, needed the spotlight...when she had problem, everybody knew about it. And everybody paid attention.

Catherine was pretty, and Catherine was perfect, just like the doll.

Like her doll.

Sara's doll.

.But most of all, as Sara recalled the moment she sat outside the door to grissom's office and `overheard' his phone conversation, she realized something else.

Catherine had everything that Sara didn't.

She had beauty, and brains. She had people that loved her, admired her.

She had perfection.

But, above all, she had Grissom.

// Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect //

-- Fin.