Hot, scalding water pounds my back, but I cannot feel the pain. I scrub my body until it bleeds, the red water swirling down the drain, but it does not hurt. I am unclean, filthy, dirty, black soul . Every night disgusting, sweaty, obscene men pay to see me dance. Their knarled, stubby fingers leaving scars no one can see. Burns no one can feel sear my heart. But as the water falls over my shoulders I feel numb, almost calm.

Old wounds are healing as new ones begin to form, both physical and psychological. It was easy to run away from my mother. Learn to forgive her bad choices by putting as much distance between us as I could. I knew it was her fault I was such a screw up, I hoped God knew it. So I ran. Eddie had proved to be both an escape and a trap. I am a runaway with not a penny to my name and he's a worthless drunk. We make the perfect dysfunctional couple. I ran out of one bad situation right into another one. What seemed a good idea at the time, ended up a tragic mistake. I knew it was to easy and now i've dammned myself to hell.

These hands, these poisonous hands, inherited from my mother, ruin all that they touch. Even as I feel the steam swirling around me, my hands feel the cold bite of that pole, the venomous snake. I fear I will contaminate all that is precious to me, just as she did to me so long ago with her drugs sex and carelessness. My precious daughter does not deserve the fate that has befallen me. I am afraid to touch her. She is a clean white sheet, a pillar of virtue, my angel, I will do anything to protect her. I am a black sheep; a lonely, filthy heart; a sinner in the eyes of god. How she came from me I am not sure, but still she gives me strength.

I will fight for her, I must fight for her. I will make my soul and conscience clean for her. I will not be like those that spawned me. No one can know my pain, I must be strong. I will halt my desent into hell and never look back. I have too. I must.

Blue come over, Born a jonesar,
And the cops pull out the radar, and shoot devious grins
Another day begins.
I want someone to know me,
Maybe tell me who I am,
Cause i've faced down the demons,
And cried to a god, a god i've never seen,
Lights.
And the world darkens around me,
Strange friends all surround me,
New ideas in my head start to burn,
Dropped out of school cause of thinkgs that I never learned,
And the world darkens around me,
World darkens around me.
I want you to love me,
Like you did, before you knew me,
And I never thought there'd be any help
For somebody like me,
A vacancy
And the world darkens around me,
Strange friends all surround me,
New ideas in my head start to burn,
Trust no one that's the one thing that i've learned,
And the world darkens around me, yea.
Bring me the sun cause I slide off the moon.
Bring me the Sun, slide off the moon.
Yeah, you better get home soon,
Slide off the moon
There's no hope for people like you and me.
Bring me the sun, cause I slide off the moon.
Bring me the sun.

~ "Never doubt, Never look back. That's the way I live my life"
"I admire that"~

The End