A lone figure stood in the morgue staring down at the body before her. Her strawberry blonde hair the only thing that seemed alive in the oppressive grey atmosphere.

Regret

Eddie where did we go wrong?

Was it me?

Was I not good enough?

Was I not the dream girl you thought you'd won?

Was I a disappointment to you?

So much wasted time. So many things we could have done. It wasn't all bad. They'd been good together. He'd said that to her once. She'd shaken it off at the time as his pure relief at having the alleged rape case dropped. A small act of gratitude for what he'd seen her do for him. He'd caught her off guard, almost had her falling back into his arms despite what the previous forty-eight hours had taught her about this man who was once her husband. The whole case had her rethinking her actions. A hair breath away from admitting her love for the man that now lay before her. Would it have been different today if she had? Would he still be alive? Would her daughter still have her daddy?

She stared down at his body.

Why Eddie?

Why when we were on the point of starting again did you have to wreck it?

What purpose did it serve for you to try and take Lindsey from me?

Was it spite?

Was it a reaction to my declaration of moving on?

Did you really think by denying me Lindsey I'd fall back into your arms?

So many angry words had been exchanged between us. We lost sight of what was important. Lindsey. Our love. Yes I did love you. A part of me always will. But we destroyed that. Sacrificed it for our own petty means. What we had died long before you took another women to our bed. I failed you. I couldn't, wouldn't tell you before; maybe it was me holding onto that old argument. Persisting in my portrayal of the wronged party. A martyr to our marriage. I could have changed things. I should have changed things. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. But you, what would you say now on hearing this? Would you laugh? Would you sneer at me? Would you love me?

Guilt

Did you really think our marriage would last?

Was I the love of your life or a fantasy?

Did you fall in love with Kitty Cat or Catherine?

I knew I'd captured you from the moment I saw you. I could see the desire, the lust oozing from you while I paraded under those lights. I used that. I knew who you were, hell Eddie you announced it from the rooftops. You were my ticket out of there. The man with dreams. The man I believed in. Did I love you? Not at first. I used you, but then isn't that what you did to me? Wasn't I the trophy, the object of men's desire but tied to your name? I gave you that kudos, that power. You used it, so we're equal.

I was stupid. The more I was with you, the more I grew to love you. What I once looked for from you, I now sought for us. Should I feel guilty for wanting more? I wanted a house, a family, and a career. I wanted the white picket fence and the dog. In my pursuit of this I lost you. Not once did I ask if this was what you wanted. I pursued it relentlessly. Lindsey was no accident. I knew what I was doing. I thought a child would bring us closer. I knew you weren't ready, but didn't consider that. I knew you wanted to be on the road not tied to a pregnant wife. But I was afraid. Afraid that if I let you go you'd not come back. You'd have no reason to return. So I stopped taking the pill. It was no fluke, no mishap, no 1% chance, I planned it. I'm sorry. Maybe it would have been different if I'd let you follow that dream. Would you have returned to me? Would you have had only eyes for me?

But my selfish actions brought us Lindsey. Your love for our daughter made me love you more. I wanted more though. I wanted a nice neighbourhood, a good school, and us secure for our daughter. I wanted to give her the world. Again I was guilty, again I didn't consult you.

Would a court convict me for wanting the best for my daughter?

What judge would question my motives?

What jury convict me for having dreams?

But it was the cost of this. I sacrificed all that was good between us for that dream. I was blinded by my desire to improve our lives. I gambled with the fragility of our love. When it shattered, I pleaded innocent.

The accusations you threw at me, only spurred me on. I fed your jealousy. The late nights, the phone calls I should have taken time. I could have been more understanding. Helped you to realise why I was striving for more. I didn't. Instead when you started to throw accusations you fuelled a fire within me, a determination. I gave you no reason to doubt what you thought was true. I did care for Gil, but I loved you first. I took those vows we made seriously. I was prepared to love you and nobody else. I just never told you. Never convinced you. That is my mistake. If I had would your eye have wandered? Would the accusations have stopped? Would peace of reigned in our marriage? Would we still be married?

Love

Did you really love me?

Was I engraved on your soul?

Will you watch over me now, as your journey takes you beyond mine?

Eddie, I loved you. You have left an imprint on my heart. You took my heart and soul. You broke my heart and soul, yet still I loved you. Through all the fights, the tears the arguments, I loved you. You gave me Lindsey, a gift of love, to remind me of you daily. Through loving you my life changed, my goals changed. If it weren't for you I'd still be lost. I remember the taste of you, the smell of you the feel of you. I was addicted to you. Addicted to your love.

Why wasn't it enough?

Why didn't we nurture it?

Why couldn't we let it grow?

We fought. We pulled at it. Poked it. Killed it. Yet still within me I love you. You took a piece of my heart with you. As you journey on keep it safe, protect it, care for it like you once cared for me.

What am I to do?

How can I live without you?

What do I do?

Sorrow

Why Eddie?

Why now?

How?

Your body is so still. You have always been so strong. You dwarfed me. Yet there, a small hole the signature of the bullet that felled you. How could you fall to such a minute thing?

Why didn't you fight?

How could you leave us?

Why can't I cry?

I'm empty. I'm hollow. There is nothing inside me now you have left. Above all I'm sorry, so sorry Eddie.

Forgive me?

Please?

I become aware for the first time of somebody else in the room with me. The soft voice of Al Robbins breaks the silent spell I'm under. "Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room."

He's right, it isn't the place, but I'm afraid of waiting. Afraid of what I'll do when I see you in the casket. I will be there, but I'll need to be strong for Lindsey. So Eddie this is goodbye. You were my lover, my husband, my friend. I loved you.

The silent message sent, I turn; I need to get away, lose myself in work before I lose myself in sorrow for what I've just lost.

The End