Look into my eyes and you'll see
I'm the only one
You've captured my love
Stolen my heart
Changed my life

Our eyes lock, I can feel him. It's as if by merely looking at me, he sees to the depths of my soul. Does this scare me? Hell yes, but I'm also intoxicated by the intensity of his gaze.

He changed my life, that look of his is responsible. There is innocence in it, which makes you open up your soul to him, wanting to make him feel secure by being surrounded by your love. Well that's how he affects me. I want to give him a security, a feeling of wellbeing.

We met many years ago, too many to count, yet too few to call it to a conclusion. But in that briefest of meetings he changed my life. Where would I be if he'd not come along? Would I still be alive? Would I still have Lindsey?

I shudder thinking of the possible path my life could have taken. I hear people tell me I've had a charmed life. I did my best to break that charm with the choices I made. I followed a self-destructive path, trying to prove what? I was invincible? Pain was the proof that this idea was false. Yet with each step I took, I tried to intensify the pain, to the point where I needed it just to prove I was alive.

He took that away from me. He showed me that happiness could also prove existence. He taught me to appreciate the elation life could bring. He gave me back ambition. He gave me back my life.

The moment our eyes locked, that first time, we connected. I felt a need to know him, learn from him, and be with him. The more I discovered about him, from him, the more time I spent with him, the more I learnt.

I learnt to look on each day as a gift, to seek out the hope in a situation not the despair. Although it sounds cliché I learnt to like myself, to value myself, to respect myself.

Suddenly my idle chatter with Jimmy about the cases he was working, took on a new importance. A realization that not only did I enjoy trying to solve the puzzles he recounted, but also that you could forge a career out of this. Suddenly my aspirations changed, my mother's aspirations for me to dance in the Folies Bergere, vanished. Not that they were exactly realistic, both she and I knew they just didn't hire ex-strippers. That however did not stop her reminding me incessantly of what I could have been, could have had. She just didn't see the attraction of spending life away from the glitz, the glamour of life as a dancer.

I however could not have been happier. I relished the opportunity to think, be challenged each day. I thrived on the opportunities presented. With me throughout was Gil. His gentle encouragement was all that I needed.

He did not know then, but he captured my heart. He took my heart, even though it was not his to take. I had no defences, no way of preventing him. I was vulnerable to his charm.

The strange thing is I doubt if he knew he was charming me, capturing my love. He seemed oblivious.

Everytime you make a move
You destroy my mind

As time progressed we fell into a friendship, almost dependency on one another. With that dependency came a deepening of my feelings for him. It became harder to hide the effect he was having on me.

I had to school my emotions when working with him. Avoid the distraction of watching him, as this would only lead my mind to places it had no right to be.

I found myself observing him, learning his moves, and anticipating what he would do next. My subconscious was his, he filled my dreams, wrong, I know, but there was little I could do. I was enchanted by his charm. I was not an unwilling victim, despite the fact that I should have been.

I sought him out. I craved the opportunity to be with him, watch him. His intoxicating presence drew me to him like no other drug had. I should have been stronger. Put up some resistance, but addiction is hard to resist. That's what I became, addicted to him.

Slowly he consumed my mind. My waking thoughts were filled with him; I had no respite in dreams or wakefulness. It was a vicious cycle that could not be broken, as I tried to distance myself from him, I desired him all the more. When I was near him, I ached to touch him, reveal the truth of my thoughts. But I dare not as I feared his reaction.

He gave no indication of caring for me beyond friendship. A friendship he clearly valued, having so few acquaintances he could call friends. I had been invited to join an exclusive club. I was not about to jeopardize that with foolish thoughts of love.

So I let my mind be captivated, my dreams overflowing with images of him, my thoughts consumed by him, as this was all I could have.

And the way you touch
I lose control and shiver deep inside
You take my breath away.

With our growing friendship, the boundaries between us fell away. He moved closer to me. Beguiling me with his presence. I grew to rely on this closeness, this invasion of my personal space by him.

My body learned to sense when he was near. Reacting without my consent, my heart would beat that little bit faster, the hairs on the back of my neck would tingle, my stomach perform somersaults.

I tried to erect a barrier, a force field between us, to prevent these invasions, but my subconscious would not allow it. So I would stand that little bit too close, I would remain rooted to the spot when he came to stand so close I could feel the heat of his body and draw comfort from it.

Then there were the touches; the soft caresses in my mind, but for him no doubt, the mere acts of a friend and a gentleman.

The first time his hand found the small of my back, I felt a surge of life radiate from it. I wanted to lean into that touch but resisted, barely. I could hardly breathe, maintain our conversation, my concentration focused on those few inches of connection. I felt my body shiver, goose bumps appearing on my arms, my saving grace being my jacket, the sleeves concealing the truth of my reaction. As he removed his hand my body yearned for the comfort it had provided.

I have a suspicion that as time went on, he knew of my need for his touch. He seemed to come close to me, guide me with a gentle caress to the small of my back, brush my hand, and take my hand on the most difficult of cases. As if he could read my need for him. Each occasion my reaction was the same as that first touch, I learnt to control the shiver, hide my inner turmoil of emotions from the man I most wanted to share them with.

You can reduce me to tears
With a single sigh

We learnt to communicate in a multitude of different ways. But the one sound that could break me, that did break me was his sigh, the simplest of actions that held such a complex wealth of emotions.

Sighs of regret, for lost souls, a justice that had yet to be administered. Hearing him in this state of mind, I wanted nothing more than to envelop him in my arms, hold him, reassure him that in the great scheme of things, justice would prevail, even though it seemed an impossibility right now. Instead I concealed myself in the safety of my home, alone, shedding tears for the lost souls and for the man who grieved for the lack of justice.

The sigh of forgiveness was one of the hardest for me to endure. As I knew the reason for it's existence was my lapses of judgement. I admired his ability to forgive; I needed that, as my errors have been many through the years. I had the security of his presence, knowing he would be there for me, standing beside me, no matter what I brought down upon myself. His forgiving sigh, gave me a confidence, knowing that once more we were all right, but it also caused tears to well, as I had to face the inevitability that this forgiveness was not bottomless, what would happen if one day I came to him and he was silent?

The hardest sigh of all for me was his sigh of acceptance. That brought me heartbreak as I realized that I had failed him in some way and there was no way to repair what I had done. The mere sound of it would reduce me to lonely silent tears. I would ache to relieve myself of the guilt, to justify my actions, make him understand what had led to such actions. However I was not so brave, avoidance would be my defence. Securing myself in my home, away from all intrusions, crying out the guilt that sigh had induced.

Every breath that you take -
Any sound that you make
Is a whisper in my ear

I've made a decision. I can no longer live like this. I am a wreck. I need to tell him the truth of my emotions and trust that he will not recoil from my confession.

So I chose my moment. I practiced my speech of carefully considered words. I pleaded with the angels on high to stay with me, to give the courage to see this through, to not let me abandon my cause at the last moment.

As I approached his office, I wished for some distraction, some urgent consultation to be called for. A weight had appeared from nowhere on my chest, making the effort of drawing breath noticeable.

I straightened my back, forced a smile on my face as I entered his office without knocking. I knew he was alone. I knew the rest of the team were long gone. I did not have the comfort of that peace that comes at the end of a shift, as the transition to individual realities takes place. My reality was facing upheaval based upon the events of the next few minute.

I tried to exude confidence, but the moment he looked up, his eyes met mine, I crumbled, all my doubts, my fears came rushing to the surface. I bit my lip, as much to prevent my tongue from reckless acts that could serve to destroy my intent, as to remind me that I was indeed awake, not in one of my dreams.

"Catherine?"

My silence seemed to worry him. He stood and approached me; I could feel that tingle of hairs at the back of my neck. I drank in his scent, drew courage from his warm comfort. Then he touched me, I could not conceal my involuntary shiver at the contact.

"Are you ok? Come here, sit, talk to me."

Oh if it was only so simple as he made it appear. I would not be so lost, so concerned. I let myself be guided to his sofa. Sinking into the soft leather, before I lost all control of my body. To my surprise he sat beside me, cradling my left hand in his, slow soothing strokes from his thumb ignited my skin. I had to stop this before I did something rash, read too much into his latest actions. I'd come here on a mission, the purpose being to tell him of my feelings; I could not shrink away from that intent now. Yet he was sat beside me, causing my body to ignite with desire. My practiced speech became a jumble of words. I could sit here for all eternity.

"Catherine, you're worrying me?"

"Sorry."

"You know you can tell me anything."

How simple he made it sound. If only he knew how the reason for my current state could alter our lives completely.

"Have faith in me. Trust me with whatever is concerning you."

I could delay this no longer. Hadn't I arrived here, in this place to reveal my feelings? I could not fail in that assignment. I drew strength from his soothing words. Our closeness. We were so close; I could feel the soft caress of his breath as he exhaled. I would remember this moment for a lifetime; I could build dreams around it. I just hoped that I could build a reality now, with him, from my dreams.

My eyes met his, I wanted to witness his reaction to my words, have the knowledge of his response engraved in my mind. "Gil, we've known each other for so many years. As the years have passed we became friends the best of friends. I know I can trust you with my life. I know you care for me, but this is no longer enough. You have become my private passion; my mind is filled with thoughts of you. When I dream, my dreams are of you. You need only look at me, for me to feel an ache in my heart. Your touch makes me melt; I become completely controlled by you. The whisper of your breath leaves me quivering, spellbound. I've fallen in love with you, rightly or wrongly, but that is my secret truth."

I could not read the look on his face. It was such a fusion of emotions, my own hesitancy about what I'd just confessed did not help either, as my mind was awash with fear, hope and love, I could not see clearly. So I averted my eyes, seeking shelter in hiding my emotional exposure from him.

Silence filled the room.

I could give up all my life for just one kiss
I would surely die
If you dismiss me from your love
You take my breath away

As the silence started to overwhelm me, making it hard for me to draw breath, a sound shattered it. But not the sound I hoped for, dreamed of. No it was sigh, a sigh from Gil.

My eyes filled with tears, I wanted to flee from this place where moments before I'd drawn such overpowering comfort. Where I hoped that finally my dreams would be filled. I'd opened my heart, my soul to him, and for what? The reward of a sigh.

In my mind I had envisioned a series of kisses, in between mutual declarations of love. The images were so clear I could conjure up the feel, the very taste of his lips as they joined mine. This dream had somehow evolved into my perception of destiny.

I would have given my all to melt into his arms, to surrender to an assault of sweet kisses. But that was not what greeted me. My hopes had been devastated in a few brief seconds.

My desire for a life full of the love of one man died. How could I have been so reckless? If I had continued with my hidden desires, I would still have had him, that secret joy as we touched, I could have lost myself in dreams of his smile, knowing the purity of those actions. Knowing he did not revile me. I had lost that. My dreams would still be of him, but now he would mock my foolish presumptions of love.

My breath caught in my throat as I tried to swallow a sob. I needed to disappear, find a place far from here to wallow in his rejection. But he still had hold of my hand. As I tried to free it, to escape his grasp, his grip tightened on it.

I was not to be allowed such an easy refuge. I must instead endure his words of rejection.

So please don't go
Don't leave me here all by myself
I get ever so lonely from time to time
I will find you

"Catherine? Catherine?"

I could not answer. Could not bear to see the hatred in his eyes, so I kept my head down, refusing to acknowledge his words. This final act my one remaining defence.

"You can't just leave. You can't tell me you love me, and then expect to run away from me. I must be allowed an answer. I know you can hear me. I know you are listening. You may not want to hear this; you've made your intention to leave quite clear."

He paused. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to block out the reality of his disgust that was about to be revealed. To my utter shame, the tears I'd tried so hard to withhold found a route from my eyes. I could feel them splash on my thighs. Why was he torturing me so? I never thought of him as cruel until now.

"Catherine, don't cry. Please don't cry."

The humiliation continued, the tears I'd tried to conceal had been all too evident to him. I could not take much more of this.

Then he changed my life. I felt him shift beside me. His free arm coming around my shoulders, pulling me to his chest, the heat of his body, the scent that was Gil invaded my senses. Momentarily tranquilizing my pain.

"Catherine, can you hear that? Can you feel it? My heart. It is no longer mine. I give it to you. It beats for you."

Could this be true? Could he really love me?

"I'm asking, no begging you, please don't leave me. I've been lonely for too long. Knowing you love me, your confession has given me a chance to redeem myself. To compensate for the time we've already lost. Knowing you share my feelings for you, I cannot now bear to be parted from you. I cannot, will not let you go."

I sighed, not in frustration, with acceptance, regret or forgiveness. This was the sigh of contentment. And as I released it and rejoiced in its sound, it had an eerie familiarity, for in it I recognized the sentiment of Gil's last sigh.

Anywhere you go, I'll be right behind you
Right until the ends of the earth
I'll get no sleep till I find you to tell you
That you just take my breath away.

"Gil?"

"Yes sweetheart."

"That sounds nice." I snuggled against his chest, my face rubbing against him; I could not get close enough to him.

He chuckled. "Your heart is sweet so it is no falsehood to call you sweetheart."

A warmth swelled within me. How could I go from utter despair to tremendous happiness in such a short time?

"This is long term right?"

"Sweetheart, do you think that now that I've finally got you in my arms, I'm going to let you go. Know this, you complete me. You are the reason I exist. I will always be there for you, supporting you, loving you, no matter what life may put in our way. I will follow you to the ends of the Earth. I will always be here, because I love you."

Then he kissed me. His lips finally unifying with mine. The soft caress a promise of so much more, but neither of us felt an urgency to force this. We had found our Nirvana in each other's arms, each other's lips. We knew there would be time to explore the depths of our love; we had eternity. Now was a time for gentle caresses to seal that promise.

I was no longer lost. I had an anchor, a soul mate, someone to share my life with, my love with. To my eternal delight he loved me equally.

I will find you
Anywhere you go, I'll be right behind you
Right until the ends of the earth
I'll get no sleep till I find you to
tell when I've found you -
I love you.

The End