And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

Catherine. She invades my thoughts, my being. Just the mere glimpse of strawberry blonde hair and I'm lost in a world of dreams.

I know it is wrong, to crave something I have no hopes of achieving, but I am mortal, I make mistakes. I'm far from perfect. Is it so wrong to crave another?

There is more to this than craving. I love her. Love, a word many would think foreign to me, obsolete even, but all sentient beings seek to be loved. They are lying if they deny it.

I want her to know me. I need her to notice me. I know she sees me. Even calls my name, but that's not enough. I want her to know my soul, feel my heart, read my thoughts.

What I would give to touch her, not a mere passing brush of hands, a touch to calm nerves or fears, but a lover's touch, to know her body as well as she does, to map it with my fingers, my tongue, my kiss.

But that is forbidden to me. Who am I to dare to seek such sweet nectar, as her skin would no doubt be? Who am I to deem myself worthy of entry into her secret world? I am insignificant.

So why do I continue in this worthless pursuit, with no hope of achieving that which I crave? I'm addicted to her, she is my life, if I were not to dream of her, seek her presence, what would I have? Nothing.

The pursuit of the impossible dream, if I'm Don Quixote, then Catherine's my Dulcinea del Toboso. If only I were insane like Quixote, I would then have an explanation for this obsession.

But is it really madness? Am I as invisible as I imagine myself to be? I know I am visible to her we speak most days. No, by invisible I mean not perceived as a possible lover. That's right, I have my sights set high. I want to be Catherine Willow's lover, her partner, and her husband if she'll let me.

We share a bond; it is not quite as preposterous as it may at first sound. Some may call it chemistry, others friendship, but it is more than that. We are more than friends. Jim is a friend, yet my thoughts for him are not the same as those for Catherine, rightly so, some may say. This is hard to explain.

It's different with Catherine. It is almost as if we have this invisible chain that pulls us to each other. I'm drawn to her, as she is to me. We can hold a conversation with just a look, a glance a smile. I don't do that with Jim.

That is how she knows me, notices me. She cares for me, the evidences of that is clear as I only need sneeze once and she has enough medication to supply a small pharmacy ready on my desk. She watches over me, she is my Guardian Angel, but I want more.

That is how I know she knows me, I know she cares, I know she has feelings, but I still want more, I need more. I need her to let me love her and in return love me. This has until now been unattainable, but I'm determined to instigate a change.

You see I'm tired. I'm tired of watching what I crave, having her within reach, yet miles away. I cannot live like this anymore. So I will change this situation we are in. I may lose her and in so doing lose myself, but I'm lost already in this limbo aren't I? What do I have to lose?

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

So I sought her out. It wasn't difficult, not really. I was working with her anyway, so finding her was no real accomplishment, although instead of hiding in my office and waiting for her to seek me out, I found her.

"Gil?"

"Catherine. Err I was wondering, breakfast? Would you like to have breakfast with me?"

She smiled, giving me hope that I could do this, that it would indeed by all right. "Sure. You're buying right?"

I grinned then. "For you, always."

I left her then, feeling the need to steady my nerves, calm myself, before I would confront her with the truth of my feelings. I had to prepare. I needed to be ready should she not reciprocate my feelings.

You'd think finding a place to have breakfast in Las Vegas would be easy. But not for the sort of breakfast I wanted. I need somewhere away from the tourists, so I would not look a fool.

My townhouse was out of the question due to the conversation I was about to have. I did not want her to pity me. Think I'd brought her there for meaningless sex. I didn't want to have sex with Catherine; I wanted to make love to her. There is a colossal difference in my mind between those two acts.

So we went to a small diner. Somewhere where the high-sided booths could easily hide my embarrassment at being rejected. We sat making small talk until the food arrived, confident that in doing so, we would not be disturbed at some crucial confession.

There were so many things happening at that table. To the casual observer it would have appeared as if we were at ease. There were smiles, chuckles, the brushing of hands. But what could not be seen was the tension; the way the air seemed humid with emotion. An electrical charge would be all that would be needed to release the passion.

I bided my time, waiting until the meal had been consumed, continuing the talk of the lab, Ecklie, Lindsey the team, anything really to hide my true motive for bringing her here, inviting her to share a meal, when really I was inviting her to share my life.

She was perceptive, however. She knew there was more to this invite than a casual meal and idle gossip about our lives. She was always insightful, that's what made her so effective in her job, her ability to read people, and now as our plates were discarded to one side and coffee was our only distraction she speared me with her gaze.

The gaze that could make me confess my innermost fears, my greatest demons to her in an instant, the gaze that frightened me with its intensity but filled me with a feeling of security, knowing that I was the sole object of her attention.

"Catherine, I've enjoyed this." I faltered at that final hurdle, inwardly berating myself for my weakness.

She smiled, then reached across and took hold of my hand. "Gil, you didn't suddenly decide to treat me to breakfast to catch up on office gossip."

I chuckled, trying to distract her. "How do you know?"

Then she said it, those words that gave me hope, which sparked the emotions that had overcast the time we'd spent together. "I know you, Gil"

"That's just it. Do you? What does that mean?"

She paused, not releasing my hand, instead squeezing it. "You are not the enigma you think you are."

I smile, for a moment my eyes look down at her hand, which grips onto mine. As I gain the courage to look up at her face, meet her eyes my emotions cannot be hidden.

"What Gil? Talk to me. You brought me here to tell me something so you have my undivided attention."

"You are right, I did have an ulterior motive for bringing you here today. I need to ask you something. Before I say anymore, I need you to promise to be honest and tell me the truth. I do not want you to lie out of pity, or to avoid hurting me."

"I promise to tell you my honest opinions."

I took a deep breath, and then captured her eyes with mine as I spoke. "We've known each other so many years. We're friends, good friends, but I don't want that anymore. I can't have that anymore, I want more Catherine. I'm in love with you." I searched her face for some sign of mockery, and then before she could react added. "You don't need to say anything in return."

"Gil, do you honestly think you can drop something like that on me and not expect me to say anything?"

I looked at her sheepishly only managing a muttered, "Uhmm."

"I take that as a yes. Look at me." When she uses that tone there is no way I can refuse her, so I face her, my fear not hidden. "First of all I'd lie, if I were to say I'm not surprised by your confession. You stunned me. I…for a moment I didn't know what to say. But before you retire into yourself, I need to tell you, I care about you. I have for a long time. But lately that has changed, you… I…my thoughts are…I think about you, more and more. I think I'm falling in love. With you."

I'd prepared myself for her rejection, but not for her acceptance, so my reaction to her words was. "What?"

She smiled, squeezing my hand tight. "I think I'm falling in love with you Gil."

I'd definitely heard her declaration this time. I leant across the table, my free hand cupping her chin so I could plant a chaste kiss on her lips. I felt her smile at this action, her lips parted slightly, allowing her tongue to seek entry into my mouth. If there is a heaven, in that moment I knew what it must feel like.

The sound of someone clearing their throat broke us apart. I looked slightly embarrassed until I saw the delight on Catherine's face.

"I take it you folks are done here." Our waitress stated rather than asked. It was clear from her tone that our recent display of affection was frowned upon.

I just nodded, frantically searching for my wallet, before placing a couple of twenty-dollar bills on the table. A healthy tip was always a good way of appeasing waitresses and ensuring good service on a return visit. After what had happened at this breakfast I was sure there would be many return visits.

As we went to the parking lot, I realized that we would be parted. As much as I craved her, I didn't want to rush her. In the past ten minutes we'd catapulted our relationship into what seemed to be outer space. We needed to nurture it and allow it to grow, rather than rush. Just the declaration of our feelings felt as if a great weight had been lifted. I needed to adjust to that.

I walked Catherine to her car. We lingered at the driver's door both of us knowing we needed to go, but neither of us wanting to be the first to admit it. We kissed, long languid open-mouthed kisses. Enjoying the feel of our tongues acquainting themselves. It was timeless, I tried to drink in every second, commit it to memory, as I knew when I left her I'd miss her, my heart would ache, a feeling I was not relishing.

She pulled away; explaining her need to be home, see Lindsey. But promising to call me before shift.

I stood in the parking lot, watching her leave. Knowing I could not go to my townhouse right now, as that would only remind me of how empty my life was without her. So I drove to the lab.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life

I slept on the sofa in my office. I did not return home. I could not face it. Not now. Funny to consider how ten minutes can change your life utterly. I had no need for refreshments, as any food or drink that would pass my lips would only serve to erase that taste. The taste of Catherine, the woman I loved and who loved me.

I drew myself into a ball, curled on the sofa, my cell phone beside me, ready for her call. I had no doubt she'd call.

My dreams were filled with images of her, her scent lay heavy on my clothes, and her taste fresh in my mouth, and little more inspiration was needed.

I woke to my cell phone's ring. Instantly alert I answered her call, a smile widening as she invited me to her house to share dinner before shift, with the promise that Lindsey would not be there and we would therefore be alone.

I cursed my earlier decision to refrain from returning home. As now I need to go there to shower, to change, to make myself presentable for her. I smiled wryly, since when had I been concerned about my appearance?

Since Catherine Willows said she thought she was falling in love with me. I was not about to do anything to put this love into jeopardy.

'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

I'd arrived at her house, fear bubbling in my stomach. I knew my shortcomings, and relationships was one of them. I'd not hidden myself completely away from women, despite what the rumours of the lab might have been. I'd tried to find love, not successfully. But then how can you expect to find love with someone when your heart lies elsewhere?

My previous relationships had, as a result, always been short lived. That is until I admitted defeat and stopped trying to find someone to replace Catherine. I was determined now not to lose what we almost had.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

I've hidden for so long, trying to blend into the background, become invisible, that the prospect of opening up, even to Catherine fills me with terror. Why? I don't know. She loves me, of that I'm sure, maybe I'm scared that I really am too much of an outcast, too different from society to conform to anyone's standards of acceptability.

But there is something different about Catherine. After our meal she took my hand and led me to the couch.

She had somehow read my mind, knew of my fears. So rather than let ourselves lose our senses in each other, she gave me the confidence to tell her of my fears.

I told her how my feelings scared me. How the thought of loving someone so completely terrified me, as she consumed my thoughts. I told her of my plans. How I wanted a forever. How I wanted to make love to her eventually, when we were ready. I told her how much I valued her.

She listened, she did not judge, or make idle promises. She drank in all of my words then told me of her dreams.

She wanted an eternity with me. Can you believe that? A beautiful woman declaring her need to be with me? She declared her love for me. Sealing it with a kiss.

I love her.

When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I love Catherine Willows and what's more she loves me. She understands me. She knows me, the real me, not just the persona I allow others to see. She knows my darkest fears, my brightest hopes.

She knows that one day she'll be Catherine Grissom.

I have had promises broken in the past, both promises I've made and ones people have made with me. But this is beyond a promise. This is something we both know. Destiny planned for us to be together, and now we've found each other we are hanging on with a grip tighter than death itself.

The End