The late morning sunlight fought a battle with the patterned curtains in the bedroom, casting soft hues of amber across the room. Small particles of dust danced like fairies caught in a spotlight. Two bodies were entwined beneath a white sheet, one lost to the world of dreams, one fighting the pull of dreamland.

Catherine Willows had found her Nirvana, she no longer needed dreams to provide an escape route. She no longer craved sleep to flee the nightmare of her daily life. She took a long slow breath, closing her eyes in contentment. Her search was over; she'd found the part of her that was missing. She opened her eyes a sly smile on her face; she snuggled closer to him, her left leg hooked around his, his left arm pulling her close, her head resting on his chest. She let the fingers of her left hand splay out, revelling in the feel of his skin against hers. She watched as they slowly rose then fell with each breath he took.

She was safe here. Here in his arms. A place she secretly desired for so long. Guilt overwhelmed her briefly. Maybe her secret desire was responsible for the pain that Lindsey had faced. Maybe subconsciously this was the reason her first marriage to Lindsey's father had failed. Her stomach flipped sickly, what if she'd stayed with Eddie Willows, would her daughter be happier? Would Eddie have died? Goosebumps appeared on her arms, she took in a slight shuddering breath, memories of Eddie did this to her. No, Catherine, she chastised herself, it wasn't just memories that did this to her, Eddie did this to her.

From the moment they'd first locked eyes, her body had seemed to fall under his spell. She knew then he was dangerous, someone to be wary of, but she was fearless, the greater the danger the greater the attraction. She'd finished her set in the strip club, quickly pulling a tight white T-shirt over her naked upper body, having swiftly decided to forgo the silver bra that matched the hot pants she was wearing. She wanted to tease this new patron and knew just how to win him to her way. She sashayed out from behind the blue velvet curtain that led backstage. He stood there confident of her attraction to him that should have warned her away; instead it attracted her like a magnet. She straightened her back, flicked back her long hair. Fixing a coy smile on her face she approached him, "Hi, what's your name?"

"Eddie Willows." He stretched his hand out, quickly grabbing her around the waist pulling her close. "I'm going to be big in the music business. I'll show you the world."

She giggled. "That's great, but we have a hands off policy, unless you want to get yourself thrown out." She managed to release herself from his grip, reluctantly; there was something exciting about him staking his claim to her, but she knew the rules, it could be her job and Eddie's face that suffered for his actions if she allowed it to go further.

He'd plied her with drinks, but she'd managed to resist his charms, for two weeks anyway. Then she'd given in. He'd taken her to a small bar, to see one of his bands, the adrenaline rush of dancing to the rock music, mixed with the alcohol and cocaine, had dulled her senses. She woke the next morning naked in a strange bed. She quickly bolted to the bathroom emptying the remnants of her stomach in the toilet bowl, her head pounding. When she crawled back to the bed, his arm had grabbed her, pulling her close, almost crushing her.

"I love you babe." His breath heavy with the stale perfume of alcohol almost making her gag.

She'd stoked his face tenderly, hoping that small act would be returned; instead he locked her lips in a bruising kiss. Before he used her once more. She knew that was all he was doing, using her, but the electricity that surged through her when he looked at her, touched her, kissed her was hard to resist.

A week later she'd moved in. Eddie insisting by her doing so, she'd save money on rent so allowing her to attend college. She believed him, naively. It had taken her six years to gain the credits she needed to graduate. To validate his promise, he'd taken her to Kinsey Diamonds, bought her a ring, then married her three hours later. The dream held out to her by Eddie Willows had quickly vanished. She'd continued to work at the club, dancing for an ever- increasing number of friends of Eddie. The money she earnt had to be split four ways, rent, cocaine, Eddie and college, the latter receiving the smallest portion of her funding. She'd have achieved her college dream a lot faster without Ed, but now he was with her it was hard to leave him. He was like a drug, more lethal than cocaine, more addictive than heroin.

Graduation day had come with a promise of a new life. She'd cleaned up, no more cocaine, her habit becoming too expensive for either one of them to afford. Eddie, needing the money for his latest promotional effort, had booked her into rehab.

She'd stood nervously at the steps to the stage, waiting for her name to be called, hearing it, she'd climbed the steps, walked to the Dean, shook his hand and accepted her certificate. No camera bulbs flashed, her name only greeted by polite applause, the curse of having a name beginning with W. As the final speeches were made, and her classmates dispersed, she looked around hopefully for him. Twenty minutes later, she left the auditorium alone, walked to the bus stop and caught the bus to the corner of her road. As she walked the final steps to their apartment, she bit her lip in an attempt to fight the tears that were beginning to burn behind her eyes.

As she opened the door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband passed out in a drunken stupor on the sofa, the television blaring out. She went to the bedroom and changed, taking a small sports bag from the top shelf of the wardrobe, ready to clear her locker at the club. A small part of her felt sad to be leaving the club, she'd miss her friends, but in the past two years it had become increasingly more violent. She now needed one of the security guards to escort her out each night, as the `hands off' policy seemed to be ignored by the patrons.

She tried to creep past Eddie without waking him, not ready to have another argument spoil the day, a day where she should have felt nothing but happiness and pride. She made it to the door, had her hand on the handle when she heard him wake.

"Cath, where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Work."

"Right. Like I'm going to believe that. Who is he?"

"Who, Ed?"

"The man you're running off to see. The one you've spent all day with."

She let her arms drop to her side, keeping her voice even, much as a parent would when explaining to a child. "Ed, There's no one but you, honestly. It was my graduation today. You weren't back before I had to leave, I left you a note see." She walked to the small table beside the armchair, retrieving a blue piece of paper and holding it out to him. "Honey, if it'd make you feel better, come with me. Come to the club, you'll see then there's no one but you."

He smiled, then started to chuckle, "You saying I don't trust you? You got something to hide?"

She tried to hide her fear, "No Eddie, no."

He reached for her, a sick smile stretching across his face as she jumped back. He caught hold of her wrist twisting it slightly, "You'd better not be." He pulled her down, releasing her wrist, grabbing a fistful of hair. He made sure her eyes met his. He whispered, "You'd better not be." He pulled her closer pressing her lips to his. Then pushing her back slightly.

Catherine fought to regain her balance, "Ed, I gotta go, I'll be late."

That was the heart of their relationship, Eddie constantly seeking to control her, while she fought to reassure him. Any thoughts she had of her new job restoring confidence in her fidelity soon vanished. The irregular hours only fuelled his jealousy. Now she had two fights on her hands, Eddie and the struggle to prove herself in a male dominated world where her past life preceded her. If it hadn't of been for Gil Grissom she would have left the lab within the first week. He'd found her in the lab in that first week, peering down a microscope, trying to engross herself in her work, to hide away from the comments and rumours her arrival had initiated.

She'd become aware of his presence, by the small cough he emitted. She turned on her lab stool, the anger flashing in her eyes. All evening a slow parade of lab workers, CSI's and police officers had taken the opportunity to `welcome her to the lab'. She'd had enough. Seeing the man standing before her, mouth open ready for some comment, she'd rounded on him. "Yes, I am Catherine Willows. Yes, I used to take my clothes off for a living, a very good living. Yes, I really do have a degree. No, I won't give you a demonstration. Satisfied? Now leave!"

But Gil didn't leave, he'd stood there, a look of puzzlement crossing his face, then his eyes had twinkled. "Now here I was looking for a new lab tech, to process this evidence. You wouldn't happen to have seen one of those today, would you?"

She'd tried to smile, but the events of the evening had proved too much, a tear ran down her cheek. "Sorry."

He reached across offering her a tissue. "Giving you a hard time are they?"

She nodded, sniffling slightly. "I can handle them. Believe me, I've had worse."

"Somehow I don't doubt that."

She giggled. "I'm sorry, honestly. I just didn't think my past would follow me, that's all. I can do this job. I'll be damn good, you'll see."

He smiled back at her. "I'm sure you will, but there's one thing you need to do first."

"What's that?"

"Stop apologising. Your past is what makes you who you are. Don't ever apologise for being yourself."

She smiled, a large grin covering her features. "And you are?"

"Gil Grissom."

"What can I do for you Gil Grissom?"

Catherine had returned home to Eddie that evening full of the news of her day. Her animation had been met with sour looks. For some reason she stopped herself from talking about Gil, her survival instinct taught her that was not a subject to be approached lightly.

Over the next few years Gil ensured he worked closely with Catherine. Offering to help her in her pursuit of becoming a CSI. The day she achieved that goal he'd walked into the lab a smile on his face, his hands behind his back.

"Cath?"

"Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute." She carried on spreading the liquid on a petrie dish, before turning. "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Pick a hand."

"Gil, I'm busy, I haven't got time…"

"Pick a hand."

She sighed, "Okay, right."

He made a trumpeting sound with his lips, bringing his right hand from behind his back, holding something within his fist. He turned his hand palm upwards, slowly opening his fingers to reveal a badge with Catherine's picture on it. "Congratulations, CSI Willows."

She leapt from her seat, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

He'd held onto her for a couple of minutes. She felt his hands tenderly around her waist. Tenderness she'd not felt in a long time. This was so wrong, but felt so right. She reached up on her toes, her eyes capturing his for a brief second, before she brought her lips to meet his.

He allowed her to kiss him, before he pulled back. "Catherine, we can't, Ed."

"I know. I'm sorry I shouldn't have put you in that position. I was just excited, you know."

"Yeah, I know." He smiled at her, releasing her gently. "Come on, we've a meeting to get to."

That night was the first time she'd felt the full force of Eddie Willows. It was as if he'd been spying on her. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that she'd arrived home three hours late, due to the case she was working on. She was tired, and when Eddie started his ritualistic questioning she'd bitten back.

"Don't you trust me? I'm out there earning money to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. When am I supposed to have time to be out having sex with someone else?"

The force of his hand against her cheek knocked her backwards. "No woman answers me back." He kicked her in the back, before grabbing her wrist and twisting waiting for the crack. Hearing the bone break he laughed, he pulled her up by her hair dragging her to the bedroom to continue her torture.

Catherine woke to the sound of her cell phone. The apartment was strangely quiet, no sign of Eddie. She rolled over on the bed, grimacing slightly as her wrist made contact with the mattress. "Hello?"

"Catherine? Where are you? You're late."

"Gil, oh... sorry. I was going to call in. I had an accident this morning, slipped in the kitchen on some spilt coffee. I think my wrist is broken."

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"No, it wasn't so bad. I was waiting for Eddie to come home to take me to the hospital."

"He's not there?"

"Err, no."

"I'll be there in five minutes."

"No I'm okay. He'll be home any minute. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"If there's anything you need, or if Ed doesn't turn up, you know I'll be there for you."

"Thanks Gil."

As she put the phone down she allowed the tears to flow. She'd lied. It wasn't the first time she'd ever lied. It was just different lying to Gil. He'd become someone she could truly trust; yet she was lying to him. She walked to the bathroom, staring at her features in the mirror, the imprint of Eddie's hand clear against her skin. That would take some covering, before she could contemplate a hospital visit. Little did she know this was an art she'd become a master at.

She'd returned from the hospital, a cast on her wrist, her head pounding. She walked in to find Eddie sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands.

"Cath." He looked at her closely. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. Forgive me please."

He looked so lost; fear lay at the back of his eyes. She hadn't the heart to turn him down. Things were good for a few months. Made all the better at the news of her pregnancy. He'd changed, become the attentive husband and father to be.

For her part, Catherine ensured she distanced herself slightly from Gil. When she worked with him she refrained from telling Eddie, knowing the jealousy that bubbled so close to the surface of his skin.

Lindsey had been a true blessing. She'd restored Catherine's will to succeed. But this will to prove herself had only led to Eddie once again fighting to subdue her, the only way he knew how, with his fists.

As Catherine had to complete more overtime due to the demands of her job, so Eddie's demands increased. She was successful in protecting Lindsey, allowing herself to become his punching bag, to vent his anger. She was frightened, terrified at times, never sure as to whether she would survive the beating. The trips to the hospital became more frequent. Gil started to ask questions, she resorted to lying, but she could tell he didn't believe her tales of tripping over Lindsey's toys. She was ashamed of what she'd become, yet she was too frightened to leave. It had taken her walking in on Eddie; his naked body draped with an equally naked young brunette, for her to admit the marriage was over.

Now here she was some eight years later, her naked body draping the man she loved. But this was different. This was something she never dreamt she would have, a feeling she hadn't dared wish for.

She nuzzled her head against his chest, listening for the steady heartbeat. The song of a heart she never thought she could capture.

It had all happened so quickly, yet taken so long. One simple question that had kick-started her life, she'd breezed into the break room, to find Gil sitting alone.

"Hey."

"Catherine. I was wondering, would you like to have breakfast with me?"

"Love to. Where?"

"My place."

She raised an eyebrow. "I'll call Nancy, see if she'll take Linds to school, then I'm all yours."

They'd driven together to his town house. As she entered, she felt slightly nervous, she didn't know why.

As Gil set himself to work in the kitchen, she'd settled herself on a stool opposite him, watching him work.

"How've you been Cath?"

"Okay I guess. Busy, but you'd know that. Not enough time with Linds. She's growing so fast, she scares me sometimes."

He nodded.

"I just worry you know, her growing up without a dad."

"It's hard, believe me. But you could remarry, give her a new dad."

"The guys I've seen lately aren't exactly father material, if you know what I mean." She scrunched up her nose. "I think I'll be better off becoming one of those weird lonely old ladies who takes in the neighbourhood collection of cats. I'm afraid no man wants the whole baggage that comes with me."

"I do." It had slipped out before he realised what he'd said.

She looked across at him, searching his eyes, looking for the laughter, the mockery that surely must lie behind that comment. "What did you say?"

He stared into her eyes, determined now to open his heart to her. "I said I do. I will be Lindsey's dad. I will take care of your baggage, support you, love you, cherish you for the remainder of your life."

The kitchen fell into silence. Catherine stared at him for what seemed like an eternity. Then she reached across the counter, pulling his head to her, her lips captured his. The tenderness was there from all those years ago, but now it was mixed with electricity. Their kiss deepened and soon breakfast was forgotten as Gil led her to his bed.

Much like her first marriage, her second one had been a hurried affair. Neither one of them feeling the need to wait out an engagement, too much time had been lost.

Catherine loved her new life. She loved the way Gil doted on Lindsey. She loved the look of joy that plastered his face when he caught sight of her. She loved the feeling of safety he provided.

Lying here in the morning light, listening to his heartbeat, his arm holding her close, she felt loved. These arms that held her when she cried, that comforted her, chasing away untold sorrows. These arms that enfolded her at the end of case, letting her know the world was once more safe. These arms that carried her sleeping daughter upstairs to the security of her bed, then returned to carry her to her haven, their bedroom.

She knew she was lucky. She felt treasured, contented. His chest had become her pillow, the warmth it emitted lulling her to sleep. She had no need now for feather pillows, over stuffed with embroidered cases. She had the perfect pillow, her husband Gil Grissom.

She turned her head slightly, kissing his chest above his heart. "I love you Gil." Finally she allowed her eyes to close, secure in his arms.

The End