Cath's POV

~*~*~*~*~*

I'm so scared that the way that I feel
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room
I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh, we used to hug,
The way that all friends do
But now I smile at a touch of your hand
Just makes me come unglued,

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

For twenty-one years I've been in love with a man.

A man that I've talked with, argued with, laughed with and cried with.

A man who knows all my innermost secrets, my regrets, my hopes.

I'm in love with Gil Grissom.

I want him to listen to me, touch me, hold me. I want him to share my happiness, comfort me when I'm sad. I want to be able to touch him without pretending to be just a friend, a colleague.

So here I am, standing in front of the door to his house. Hoping that when I go in, he's going to listen. He's going to answer.

Everything in my life is complicated. My parents. Sam Braun. Eddie. My stripping and coke days. Lindsey. My job.

It would be nice if just this one thing.just HIM, didn't have to be so complicated.

For years we've been hiding it. Or trying to. Sometimes I think it comes out anyway, in an unguarded moment.

We've had so many of those unguarded moments.

I saved his life. He told me he admired me. He stayed with me when I had to retrieve evidence from Holly. He saved me from Eddie.more times than I can count. He told me about his hearing - eventually - and I went to wish him good luck.

I remember when he pushed me against a Tahoe, shielding me from an explosion with his body. He told me about how people in Jackpot thought I was his wife.

One of my favorite memories was when he told me that not only had he missed my passion and tenacity, but he'd also missed my tush.

God, love him.

The door opens.

"Catherine?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*

~*~*~*~*~*~*

We're inside his house now, and for some reason, I feel uncomfortable.

I don't know why, because I've spent so much time here.

He sits beside me, silent, waiting for me to begin.

But how to begin?

How do I tell a man I've known for more than twenty years, that for all the years I've known him.I've loved him?

It's my own fault, because I've never thought I was good enough for someone like him. And I never thought that someone like him would want me.

So instead, we go through this regular dance of flirting and caring for each other.but neither one of us will take that further step.

Maybe if I do.just maybe things will get less complicated between us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay
Should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know
But then again I don't
So complicated.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Is everything alright, Catherine?" he murmurs.

"Why?" I ask suddenly. "Don't I look alright?"

He smiles softly. "You always look alright, Catherine. You're a very beautiful woman."

There's that flirting thing again. What this man does to me should be illegal.

"You're a flatterer, Gil."

He looks me straight in the eye. "I'd never lie to you, Catherine."

I smile back at him. "I know."

"So," he says, sitting back. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Don't say the word pleasure, Gil. It just conjures images in my head that won't help me with what I have to say.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"What about?"

"Us."

~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~

Oh, just when I think I'm under control
I think I've finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that
My name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more then Just a friend,
They say I must be blind.
I admit that I've seen you watch
But from the corner of your eye

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Okay, I said it. I said the 'u' word. I haven't said the 'l' word yet, but that's okay. We can get to that.

"What about us?"

Dim man.

"Our relationship."

He looks at me, a little nervous. I think it's finally dawning on him what I'm talking about. So go ahead, Gil. Pull away. Just like you always do.

"Okay."

Wow. Out of all the things that I thought he'd say.that wasn't one of them.

"Okay?"

He's watching me very carefully. He does that a lot, I've noticed. Maybe he thinks by watching me, he can find out all my secrets and all he wants to know.

I think he knows all my secrets and desires already.

He certainly knows this one.

"I."

The words are right there, on the tip of my tongue. They've been there for years.

So why can't I say them now? What's stopping me?

His hand rests on my cheek. "Just say it, Catherine."

He's touching me again. The tingles are traveling up and down my spine. I'm so relaxed. He's making me so relaxed. My eyes slip closed.

"I love you," I whisper.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh it's so confusing
Yeah I wish you'd just confess..
But think of what I'd be losing
If your answer wasn't yes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

He's silent for a moment and I'm scared to open my eyes.

Scared to see what is in his eyes. What have I done? Have I just ruined everything? My.

All of a sudden I feel a gentle pressure against my lips. My heart is thumping in my chest and this pressure.I know it's him.

His lips are against mine.

In another moment, the kiss has broken, and my eyes gently open to look at him.

He's smiling at me, his hand still resting against my cheek. It's so warm, and I feel so warm with him touching me.

"You kissed me," I murmur.

He nods. "I did. Want to know why?"

I can't speak, so I nod.

He smiles, leaning to whisper in my ear. "Because I love you, Catherine Willows."

He said it. He finally said it.

So I do the next logical thing.

I punch him in the shoulder.

"OW!" He looks at me accusingly. "What was that for?"

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared," I admit, looking at my hands. "I don't deserve you, and I always thought you wouldn't want someone like me."

His hands cup my face, forcing me to look him in the eye. "Don't ever think that, Catherine. You deserve the best life can give you. And as for wanting you.I've wanted you for a long time."

My hands raise to cup his face, my fingers trailing along the coarseness of his beard. He's smiling at me. It's not often I, or anyone, sees Gil Grissom smile. Every time I see him smile I feel like I've been given a special gift, a special insight that only I am privy to.

"Kiss me again," I instruct him.

Another one of those special smiles, and then his lips are on mine again, kissing and caressing with his tongue.

"Gil." I whisper, maneuvering my body so that I am sitting in his lap. My hands rest on his cheeks. "You do know where I'm going with this, don't you?"

Gil arches an eyebrow. "I have a pretty good idea."

"And that's okay?"

A small smirk appears on his face. "I think you know the answer to that."

My hand slips down between us, and I grin back at him. Yep, I most certainly do know the answer to that.

In another moment, I'm in his arms, and he's carrying me through his townhouse.

"I think you might be more comfortable in here," he tells me, gently laying me down on his bed.

I've been here before. On nights when I begged Gil for his help, he would bring me here and I would sleep on his bed.

But it had always been so innocent. I still felt love for him then, but I didn't have enough confidence to act on my feelings.

I like that I have that confidence now.

He's above me now, kissing me deeply. My hands find themselves stroking the soft skin at the nape of his neck, my body starting to tingle just from being in such close proximity to the man I love more than anything.

"I love you, Catherine," he whispers in my ear, before his lips gently lick and suck my neck.

I never knew that those three words could produce such an intensity of feeling within me.

"I love you too, Gil," I whisper back, my fingers tickling gently.

We kiss again, his tongue caressing the seam of my lips. I moan, opening my mouth and a shiver goes down my spine as his tongue gently caresses mine.

His hands are at the buttons of my shirt, and I smile at him when he looks to me for permission. He grins back at me, before pressing a kiss to each piece of skin he uncovers. Gil deftly unhooks my bra, and he gently eases me up as he removes both items and tosses them over the side of the bed.

I slip my hands underneath his shirt, my eyes closing as I feel the warmth from his skin. It's so warm that I want to melt into his skin, feel his heat inside me.

His eyes are watching me, his fingers dancing across my bare skin. I grin, my hands unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off his shoulders.

My fingers trail down his chest, from his neck, to the trail of hair that promises other things down below. I smile, snaking my fingers just under the waistband of his jeans. He looks down at me, his eyes dark with desire.

I relish the thought that I'm the only one who will see him like this from now on.

Presumptuous of me, I know, but I'm sure as hell not letting him go now.

"Cath," he murmurs, his hands cupping my breasts.

The sound of his voice resonates through me, and I close my eyes. I can feel his hands on me, gently stroking and caressing me. I feel so warm, and his hands are warm on me. I arch my body towards him, wanting to feel more of his touch.

My eyes open to look at him, and his eyes are looking into mine again. He's studying me, I realize, but with a different type of study than I'm used to seeing. It's almost like he's drowning in the information, amazed by the discoveries he's making.

I lean up to kiss him, and moan as his fingers trail down my body.

His fingers pause at the button to my jeans. I look up at him, silent pleading in my eyes for him to take it off and continue his trail of fire.

We can still read each other so well, because in a second he is undoing the button and sliding down the zipper. The sound is loud in the quiet, with the only other noise being our heavy breathing.

I lift my hips a little as he eases the jeans and my panties down my body. Part of me is nervous, wondering if he'll like what he sees. The other part of me knows this is Grissom, the man I love more than anything.

He looks down at me, a smile on his face. "You're beautiful, Catherine. Absolutely stunning."

All my fears disappear with his words and I lean up, kissing him again.

He gathers me in his arms, his fingers lightly caressing my back. When he lays me back down again, I reach out to his jeans, finally letting my finger follow that trail of hair down beneath his jeans.

His eyes close and I smirk, finally slipping my finger inside his boxers. He jerks against me, and I grin.

"Let me take them off," I murmur.

He nods and, with eager anticipation, I unbutton and unzip his jeans. I push them down towards his knees, and grin when I see his boxers.

"What?" he asks.

I giggle. "Looney Tunes."

He grins back at me, kissing me gently. I smile into the kiss, before pushing down the boxers and pants as far as I can get them.

Frustrated, I look up at him. "Gil."

Getting off the bed, he grins at me, taking off both garments. Instantly I feel a sense of loss: of his warmth, his touch and his smell. I look up at him, holding my arms out.

Gil returns, hugging me against him. I feel his erection, so hot and hard, brush up against me and I moan.

"Catherine."

I nod at him. "Please."

His fingers caress my center and I whimper, the ache in my belly tightening.

"Let me pleasure you first," he whispers in my ear.

My eyes squeeze shut as his fingers caress me, finally gaining access to where I most want him.

His long fingers start to stroke, and I arch my hips up towards him. Gil grins at me, his eyes intent on mine.

"I love to watch you," he admits, his thumb circling my clit.

I bite my lip, the intensity of feeling taking over.

All of a sudden, I feel his warm breath and then his tongue, and my world spirals out of control. He's still touching me, but now his warm mouth is there, licking and sucking.

"Gil." My hips strain against him; my hands are fisted in the sheets.

He stops his ministrations, moving up the bed while his fingers start to thrust inside me. I can feel my vision start to go blurry.

"Come for me, Catherine," he whispers. "Come hard."

I arch up, my inner muscles tightening as release slams into me. I can feel him slowly ease me down from my high, holding me as I shake in his arms.

"Beautiful," Gil murmurs.

I slowly open my eyes, focusing on him. "Wow."

He leans down, capturing my lips in a deep kiss. My arms slide around his neck, pressing myself against him.

When I feel his hardness brush up against my entrance, I break the kiss, looking up at him.

"Is everything okay, Cath?" he asks, caressing my cheek.

I nod. "I want to watch you when we do."

He smiles at me and our eyes lock.

Ever so slowly, he inches inside me. The feeling is intensified by watching him, watching his eyes darken. I moan as he pushes deeper, until he's finally buried inside me.

My body is shaking, and I feel so full and complete. And as corny as it sounds, we're a part of each other now.

Gil's hands gently stroke my arms. I can feel the slight tremble in his fingers.

We look at each other and smile, our lips meeting in a gentle kiss as he starts to move inside me. I wrap my legs tight around his waist, pulling him tighter against me.

"Catherine," he groans, burying his head in my neck.

I clasp my hands around his back, gently stroking and caressing his skin. We start to move together, our bodies fitting perfectly, our fingers and lips touching and tasting.

He starts thrusting deeper and harder inside me, and I can feel him fill me completely. My eyes start to close, but I soon hear him entreating me to open them again.

My eyes look into his and my hands rest against his back. I arch my head back, my mouth dropping open as my orgasm races through me. My fingers dig into his skin and my legs tighten around his waist as I shudder.

"That's right, Catherine," he murmurs, kissing my ear.

My eyes are dazed and unfocused, but still I watch him, wanting to witness the moment when he loses control. I know he's close.I can feel it in the way his thrust quicken and his eyes are half-closed.

I start to move against him, wanting him to feel what I just felt. And yet, I can feel the most amazing feeling bubbling up inside me, about to prove any myths I had about my body to be completely wrong.

He thrusts once more inside me and I hear him call my name as he spills his warmth inside me. My body arches into his as I cry out, clutching tight to him.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay
Should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel
Oh I want you to know
But then again I don't
So complicated.
I hate it, cuz I've waited
So long for someone like you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm resting in his arms now, drowsy and relaxed. I want to sleep, curled up in his arms, but at the same time, I'm afraid that if I sleep, I'll wake up and he won't be there.

That's happened to me too many times before.

"Catherine?" he murmurs, nuzzling my hair.

"Mhm?" I reply, my fingers trailing down his chest.

"What would you like me to make you for breakfast in the morning?"

I think things are getting a little less complicated.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh what do I do?
Oh should I say it?
should I tell you how I feel,
oh I want to you know,
but Then again I don't.
It's so complicated.
It's so complicated.
It's so complicated.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

FINIS