She's holding on to me like I was the only thing that connected her to reality. To life.

As she cries her heart out, gripping my shirt and using my chest to hide her face, I stroke her back and whisper soft soothing words in her ear. I deserve hell for what I've done. What was I thinking?

The first time boss trusts me to make me supervisor for the night and I send her to a murdered child. God! What was I thinking? I sent a pregnant woman to investigate a crime that involved the torture, sexual abuse and murder of a four year old girl. Brilliant.

Her crying is now desperate and her knees weaken and we fall to the floor. The floor in the lockers in hard, but I don't care now. I hold her tighter, making sure she rests her weight on me and not on the cold floor. She puts her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. I know I will never forgive myself for making this to her. I've hurt a friend. My only friend.

My heart breaks for this woman, this co-worker I always thought was invincible, untouchable, unbreakable. She's just a woman now. Not a really good CSI. CSIs are neutral, sexless. This is Catherine WIllows. A friend. A woman. Never before had I thought about her this way. Not even when she told me she was having a baby. Not when she asked me to keep the secret. Not when I sent her to that scene tonight. Oh God.. what have I done..

I'm suddenly aware of her warmth, her smell, her feminity. I touch her reddish hair and enjoy the softness of it, the silk quality it has. I let my hand wander down her back, caressing carefully, comforting her. But I'm just being selfish. I like her touch. The feeling of her body pressed to mine. She seems to relax a bit in my arms and I lower my face to her neck. Shame on me. I'm overwhelmed by her scent. No more co-worker for me. No more Cath, a good CSI. No more Catherine, my friend, for me. She's just a woman, crying in my arms because of what I made her see. I know I will never forgive myself.

She trusted me to tell me her secret. The baby inside her. She didn't want anyone to know, she didn't want them to treat her any different because of her pregnancy. She didn't want things to change until it became unavoidable. Her state is already noticeable but not everyone in the lab knows yet. But as she holds on to me, as she presses her body against mine, I'm lucky to feel her swollen belly. I can imagine her baby growing safely there. I can almost feel her.. cause I'm sure she's having a baby girl. A little girl with strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes just like her mother must have been. I can see her.. and I'm in awe of what this woman is creating. Biology books can't get any close to what this feels like. So full of life. I thought I was over the old cliche of male instinct to protect females, but I'm not. Holding Catherine while she cries moves me in ways I never thought possible for me. I want to build a wall around her and keep her safe from even the lightest breeze that dares to mess her hair. Safe from harm. Safe from what I made her go through tonight. Oh God! What was I thinking?!

A wave of rage invades me as I think of all she must have felt as she had to face the most disgusting aspects of her case. The thoughts that might have filled her mind during the whole investigation. Was I blind? I must have been. I should have thought about it before. She would have been mad at me for keeping her away from it, but her anger would have been easier to face than this endless pain I've caused. I should be punished for my stupidity. For my careless ignorance. I should be punished and I am being punished.. cause it's not my job to protect her. Not my place to do that. It's not me who she chose to share her life with. It's not my baby what grows inside her. I should be punished for feeling like this too. Oh.. what am I doing?

I know I've earned me a place in hell for my thoughts now. I'm wishing she had never met Ed, and that her child was mine, that it had been me filling her with life. What kind of fool I've been to think I was above all instinct. Jealousy. Territoriality. Procreation. All three kicked in in a second and changed it all forever between us. Oh God.. what have I just done? I'm so sorry Catherine..

And those words escape my lips in a soft barely audible whisper: " I'm so sorry Catherine.." But her baby hears them and reacts. And I feel something move inside her.

She pulls away from me, a smile fast spreading across her lips. Her eyes are teary and red, her make up is smeared all over her face, but I never saw anyone look more beautiful before.

"She moved!"

Excitement is noticeable in her voice though she almost whispered those words as if trying to avoid that the magic of the moment vanishes like a dream.

"Did you feel that? My baby moved.." - And I look at her as she looks down and touches her swollen womb, genly caressing it. Tears well up in her eyes again but they're tears of joy. She's glowing with love.

"My baby moved... she's alive in there..." - I know she thinks she's talking to me but I know she's talking to herself, to her yet unborn child. Convinving herself that this is real, that there's life forming withing her - "my baby..."

And I feel my heart break, flooding with love for this friend, this woman I can't have and for the baby that's not mine.

"Things will be just fine baby... " She looks at me again, with teary eyes but pure happiness sparkling in them. "I guess she doesn't like to see her big mommy cry!"

Her laughter fill my ears and all pain is gone. She laughed and my punishment vanished. I'm forgiven.

"Oh Gil! What a mess I made... You have make up all over your shirt!" - She keeps on laughing as we both stand up, electricity running all over my body as she uses my shoulder to help herself up - "I'll wash it for you. Give it to me after shift and I'll bring it back tomorrow..."

I'm glad old Catherine's back... she jokes about her apearance, and my shirt and her baby. She can't help laughing and my soul finds relief in the sound of her giggling. I'm glad my friend's back and though I know our friendship will never be the same, I hear myself laughing too, intoxicated with the joy her happiness spreads.

I've been granted the most wonderful gift. A friend that loves me enough to share her worst nightmares and her most intimate joy with me. Oh God... what I could have possibly done to deserve this?

Fin