A few days ago, she had been living like a queen. The man she loved, loved her more than anything and he had told her so. Now, she had ruined it all. When she shut her eyes, she could still see the look on his face when he had confronted her. At any other time in her life they may have just worked through it, but now it was just too much. And what was worse, it was not even true, but she had been so mad at him, she had let him keep on believing the lie.

Mere weeks ago, they had been skirting around each other, afraid to make a move in case their feelings were not reciprocated. Then, one morning, there had been a kiss. Followed by a lot more. They were playing it by ear. Knowing it was love, but like teenagers in love for the first time, totally unsure of where to go from here. But she knew he was not being completely open with her. It was stopping him from allowing things to go further, even though he had told her how much he loved her. Her annoyance was very petty, she knew, but it frustrated her much more than she had wanted to admit. Instead of being open with him, she had tried to make him jealous. She had to see if she could provoke a response that she could be happy with.

"Cath, what the hell have you done?" he shouted at her, not caring who heard him. This was the woman he had loved, and she had betrayed him. She saw him stand, barely able to contain his feelings, and she felt anger herself. He'd been neglecting her, had not told her everything on his mind.

"It's not like we're together, Gil," she replied, her voice cold. Did he know how much he frustrated her? Did he know how much his silence hurt her? Well maybe he should know. Maybe he should know the pain she felt.

"You slept with him. You slept with that bastard detective."

"Like you've been paying me any attention." And now the lie stood. She had not denied it. It was too late to now. If he believed that she had actually done it, let him keep thinking it.

"Is that it?" He looked at her incredulously.

"No. It's a question of trust, Gil. It's a question of love."

His eyes softened with tears. "But I do love you Cath."

"What the hell does that mean anymore. If you loved me, you'd talk to me."

"You don't understand..."

"Oh, I do." She turned towards the door, watching herself leave in slow motion. "Someone wanted to give me the attention that you refuse to give me. Someone wanted to open up to me emotionally. Someone wanted to confide in me. Am I really included in the `personal stuff' that you never let yourself get weighed down by?" she asked, deliberately imitating the words he had spoken to her years before, words she had never forgotten. "If you can't be bothered to let me in, then what's the point."

She left. She just heard his sobs through the open door as she charged through the corridors and left for good.

~It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone~

She didn't know how she had found the coke again, but it had taken her three days to pluck up the courage to take it. Three days where she just wanted to hide herself away from everyone. It was not like she had not thought about things at home, she had at least asked her sister to take care of Lindsey for a few days. She added to her lies saying she was going to a conference. Even this thoughtfulness gave her no satisfaction. No doubt when Gil had phoned to look for her, the two of them would have found out that she had lied. By then, they would have had no idea where she was.

Three days to sit inside, eat enough to keep her alive and think. The tv had not been switched on. She had brought no work, or books to read. Nothing to take her mind from her sins.

Sitting in this dark, humid motel room she had watched the lines of coke like they would do a dance for her, holding off until she finally could not take it anymore. She snorted it back into her body. She could not escape the pain inside, the guilt that racked her body, that fuelled her tears. One moment of insanity, when she had been mad at the man who completed her, maybe her only chance of salvation, and she had ruined both of their lives. She replayed every moment in her head over and over, could hear him crying and she could not drown it out. It haunted her dreams, her thoughts every minute of the day. She wanted it gone. Any way she could.

~Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played~

Eddie's death was with her every day. She could see it when she saw the unhappiness in her daughter's eyes, when she looked daggers at Sara for not being able to solve the case. She saw Sam, her father, and the look on his face when he knew she had found out the truth about the murders. She saw the flash of light that constituted the explosion at the lab, the huge bang that she had imagined would have gone with it. She saw Greg unconscious, knowing it was her, but without an ounce of blame in his soul. Why couldn't she have been more like him? Why couldn't it have been Sara that badly injured? Why did she want anyone to be hurt at all?

Her life was spiralling downwards, and she was taking everyone else down with her. At least out here, where no one knew where she was, she couldn't harm anyone. Not like she already had.

~If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave~

"Chris, I don't think we should do this."

"Why not?" Detective Chris Harwood looked puzzled.

"I can't kiss you. It... It wouldn't be fair."

"Why not?" He asked again. He knew this was not an official date, he had just asked her for a drink in the bar he would go to with his friends sometimes, to discuss a little work, a little about life. But he had hoped, and he had heard she was single...

"Because, I'm in love with someone else." She shook her head and reached up and placed a hand to his cheek. "I'm sorry." She reached across to plant a gentle kiss where her hand had been, an apology. She never saw the figure in the background, watching them closely before running off.

Tears spilled down her face as the drugs kicked in. How could she do it to him? She hated herself. She deserved to suffer for hurting him when all he had ever done was love her. Everyone would hate her. Even Gil. He had to. And there was nothing she could do to change it.

It had been so easy to lie. It had not seemed such a big thing to do at the time, she simply wanted him to know how she felt. She had just forgotten that although he hid himself away, he was protecting a man who was much more sensitive than most, someone who could be easily hurt emotionally. She knew it was true, she knew how to hurt him, and she did.

~Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past~

She could feel her blood pounding through her body, pushing her awake. She stood, adrenaline pumping, and she paced. Everyone hated her. By now, everyone would know what had happened, and they would hate her. Just like she did. Her baby would not want to see her again, disgraced by her druggie mother who slept around. Even though she did not, and had not since Eddie had left her. Even though he had slept around behind her back, she could never have brought herself to do such a thing, even when she felt low enough to consider such revenge. No one would care now.

She couldn't stop the noises. The sobbing in her head. He had never cried in front of her before. Never, and she had reduced him to that. How could she live anymore, knowing that. She raged around the room, snarling and screaming at the furniture, accusing it all of ganging up on her; somehow she saw a reminder of her hell in all of it. She picked up the small bedside table and threw it at the tv, the smashing sound of the screen cut into her mind, and still the sobbing continued.

"I'm so sorry," she muttered, crawling down to look at the mess, her hands over her ears.

~If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave~

She had lost the battle. Gil had helped her to give up the coke. It had been so hard. But she had done it because he made her believe in herself. And she had gone back to it so easily. That scared her so much, that she was weak. But she just wanted to hide, to hope no one ever found her. She backed herself into the far corner of the room, hidden by the bed, waiting for them to come and point the finger at her. She hoped no one would see her ever again.

~Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change~

~It's easier to run~

She came to in the light, a face she couldn't focus on hovering over her.

~Replacing this pain with something more~

"Cath?" She heard her name, all the while wandering if she was in hell yet.

~It's so much easier to go~

The voice repeated itself. Somewhere in her consciousness she recognised it, recognised the touch on her skin.

~Than face all this pain here all alone~

He had come for her. Why had he done it?

~It's easier to run~

"I know you lied," she heard, as if her thoughts had been broadcast. It was his voice, and he sounded angry. She couldn't blame him.

~If I could change I would take back the pain I would~

"I lied," she replied, her mouth dry. "Need water."

~Retrace every wrong move that I made~

"I'll get you some in a minute." He held her. "Hold on with me Cath."

~It's easier to go~

"Why don't you hate me?" she asked, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Because."

"That's no answer."

"Why did you do this?"

She clasped her hands over her ears again when she could hear the sobbing going right through her. He took her arm and pulled it away and she could see him. The sounds were not coming from inside her head.

"I've ruined everything."

"No, you haven't. We've got some work to do, but it's not ruined."

"I thought maybe I'd scared you away. That's why you wouldn't talk to me."

"No. I was stupid and stubborn. I didn't know what the words were I had to say."

"I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do. You deserve not to have any of this pain." He couldn't help but cry to see her. "How much did you take?"

"One line." It was time to stop the lies. From now on, he would know everything. "I couldn't take any more than that."

"That's the last. No more. Ever." He was angry that she went back to it at all. That she got so low. That he let her. He would not let her again "I should never have held back from you. You should never have done this."

"I'm sorry."

"It's going to take more than that, Catherine." He looked down at her forlorn face watching his tears. "There is something wrong with both of us that we have to fix."

"How?"

"We learn to talk. We learn to share everything with each other. No more secrets. No more lies."

He vowed to tell her everything. The things he had not admitted to himself. That made him who he was. That lurked in his nightmares. That threatened to ruin his life if he gave in to them. He knew he had hurt her by keeping these things hidden, he should have confided in her before. He took the blame as much as she did, and he would shoulder the responsibility too.

They would face the demons together, day at a time, and they would win. There was no alternative; it was always meant to be this way.

~If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave~

The End.