He's inside me, and it feels...it feels...well I can't describe how it feels, but I can tell you that it's damn good. And it's amazing really. That two people can join together so wholly, so fully, that they just fit. Clicking into place like this. And I would ponder this more; I really would, except...shit...except, you cannot believe how good this is. I can't believe it, and I am right here, in this bed.

And I am concentrating so hard right now...my fingers clenching the sheets so tightly my knuckles are itching to pop....willing myself to focus, to stay present, because if I don't, it's possible that these sensations, which are just soooooo......swear to god.....will just splinter me. I mean his hand just coasted down my arm, and I used the word coasted because that's all it was...just skimmed my skin and it was like fire. Like flames from his palm igniting me. And now I'm hot. Not just warm, not just aroused...but fevered, bubbling up beneath my skin.

I've started to pant. Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? Where is my cool? Where is my suave? My sarcastic wit, my sexual prowess born from years of experience? Gone, gone....and left me gasping for air apparently. And there's this sheen on my skin, all my pores standing up and paying attention, and a tiny tickling from beads of sweat running down the underside of my breast...oh fuck. All this, and it was just my arm he touched. My arm...hell, the arm is not even an erogenous zone for god sakes!

This is not supposed to be happening...at least not like this. Not that I'm complaining mind you...complaining about something this good would be sacrilege....but this has all just thrown me for a loop.

And the reason....and the reason...I can't wrap my mind around this is because I never saw it coming. Blindsided me like a Mac truck.

Well, the sex I saw coming...got to be honest there. We were just ready, and god knows I've wanted him forever. But I never thought it would be this way.

I had an idea in my mind of how it would go, you know....the situation mapped and planned, the script plotted and set. How something would happen. Something outside of us. Work maybe, or a fight that would just blossom from something small, something seemingly insignificant. But whatever it was....admittedly the details are a tad hazy here....whatever it was, it would cause a tear in our relationship. Emotions long suppressed would surface...demanding to be heeded...demanding action.

I was going to have this realization you see. An epiphany of sorts. And things would fall into place and I'd know what I'd have to do, filled with that determination you get when you know what you're doing is right. And I would force his hand. Do something explicit and unexpected. Or at least coax something out of him. Hold his hand and give him the support he needed to express himself.

I mean, him and I, we have these roles. He's the introvert, I'm the extrovert. I'm more brazen I guess. I gather reassurance from stepping up and speaking out. In that way we couldn't be any more different. While I'll rush headlong into something, he's careful, calculating all the outcome in that way he has. Sometimes I wonder if he'd rather just look at bugs and pin butterflies, sticking to the sidelines of life, comfortable in a solitude of his own making.

And I know him. Know what makes his eyes dance, what makes his blood boil. I've spent years cataloguing his quirks and I just KNEW it would be up to me to take us to the next level and inject the sexual into this beautiful platonic thing we'd been cultivating for years. Like I said...I know him.

And so there'd be sex. And it would be...nice. Loving and considerate and courtly. Nice. The way afternoon tea is nice. The way a warm bath is. A nice addendum to the emergence of something permanent and dependable and solidly romantic. We'd be a family. This shy man and this outgoing woman and the little girl they both love to pieces.

In things sexual, I'd be the teacher; he the student. A role reversal of sorts. He'd be a willing participant surely, but a tentative one, a careful one. Unsure and completely amenable. And that was how it would be. End of story.

Suffice it to say, things haven't gone according to plan...exactly.

You see, what I didn't expect, what I couldn't have predicted, what has completely unseated my little fantasy is this...this confidence. This startling confidence. And from him! No hand holding required. No gentle coaxing. No taking it slow. Just goddamn up and pounced on me. Not that I am complaining mind you, but Grissom, frisky as a new born colt? Can you even picture it?

Hell, HE was the one who seduced ME. If you call "seduced", lunging at me from across the room, throwing me over an ottoman and proceeding to tear my formerly favourite bra into unsaveable little shreds. And who would have guessed the skill...good god? If you told me the man had been raised in a brothel, at this point, I might not disagree. Men are not supposed to know those things, let alone do those things. Makes me look like a blushing virgin by comparison. Kid you not.

And, this little revelation has thrown me totally off balance. Completely upturned me on my ass, and I'm still trying to right myself.

And he's smirking at me. That toad! How smug, how infuriatingly, how...holy sweet Mary, there aren't even nerve endings there....how? That settles it. There is something wrong with me. Radiation from the microwave. Chemicals from the water. Too much drinking, too little vegetables or too much vegetables too little drinking, I'm not sure. And the edges of my consciousness are actually bending at this very moment...whoa.

And this funny thing is...is...is....concentrate....is.....that none of this is stuff I haven't done before. Let's just call Eddie Captain Adventurous and leave it at that. So there isn't really anything about the nuts and bolts of this that I haven't been exposed to. But that's the crazy thing. This is simple, no nonsense, no toys, no gimmicks, time-warp back to the 50's sex....and it's amazing. Incredibly exhilarating, completely uninhibited, absolutely amazing... he's amazing.

Maybe it has to do with the sheer intensity of the thing. His intensity. It's in his eyes, in his touch. Every caress carries such weight and every look pins you down. To be the sole focus of that ....it could be unsettling. But it's not. It's freeing. It's like multiplicity. Exponential growth. Taking everything that's there and magnifying it, forcing it outside itself and then back in again. Making it unstoppable. Not to mention incredibly addictive. My body sings for him now, a steady hum. Sometimes so low that I don't even know it's there. But always ready to be stoked, always ready to go, go, go.

And I'm not even doing this thing justice. I just can't explain it in ways that make sense, that are quantifiable, that mean something. Obviously, this needs more investigation. I'm happy to be the guinea pig in this little experiment. Just tell me where to sign up.

Well whatever this...believe me on this one....it is unbelievable. I think I'll ask him about it. Just later...much, much, much later.....ahhhhhh.