I'm home alone on my night off. Now a few months ago this would not have been too unusual, but it is these days. I have a wonderful alternative, spending my time with Cath and Lindsey. Tonight, however, my girls have gone out and left me to fend for myself.

Lindsey has gone to the movies before heading on to party with her friends, I don't remember having such full weekends when I was her age. Though I suppose not many boys went to slumber parties, pity we would have been so much better prepared for later life! Cath has ditched me too. Well, ditched is perhaps too strong, her friends from the old days have been trying to get her out for months and she's been putting them off. Tonight we decided she should go and have fun and I should sit at home and pine for her. Actually she did tell me to do that, I wonder if she would think it sweet or sad that I really am.

Okay I really am going to enjoy myself tonight, am not going to spend my time worrying about the beautiful woman I have just let loose on the Vegas nightlife. Well, I am worried - or is that jealous? No that's not it, I know Cath is not out to meet guys, she's just spending time with her friends and having fun. Why isn't she at home having fun with me. Now that's just pathetic man, pull yourself together.

It's my inability to control all the variables that has me nervous. My life before, before I was allowed to say 'i love you' to Cath out loud, was about order and my construction of a personal life that was governed by discipline and restraint. I don't have that safety net anymore. And don't get me wrong that is this most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, but it's also the most frightening. It's the 'what if' variable that creeps up on me on nights like these and turns me into the maudlin fool that I am now!

If Cath were here she would laugh at me, we would both laugh and then we would listen to music, or I would read to her (we're working our way through John Irving at the moment)- or we would go to bed. But we would deal with my insecurity by being a normal couple, which is what tonight is about - normal couples have time away from each other and have friends outside their relationship. But it's like part of me has been brought out into the sun, I say the word 'relationship' with a smile on my face for goodness sake! But at the same time the can of worms that has been opened means I have the insecurity of a teenage boy. It's an easy trade off though when I get to spend my life with my beautiful girls.

Did I mention that I am not very good without them anymore.

I have spent the last three hours day dreaming about what I would be doing if I wasn't on my own, but I'm not on my own anymore. I'm at my own appartment( I almost said my old appartment which would be more appropriate considering the amount of time I spend here), but it's subtly different. It's not just mine now. There are three tooth brushes in the bathroom, I have diet soda in my fridge where there is a Justin Timberlake picture on the door. Cath maintains it was Lindsey, but I see them giggling sometimes... But these little artefacts speak of a shared life, of a shared future and that's what my over active imagination should be focusing on now.

I think Cath is on her way over, she just called me from her cell. I'm supposing she is a little drunk as she just sang what she claimed was a beautiful love song to me. There were no recognisable lyrics to speak of, but she did say something about wanting to ask me a question. You know you've got it bad when you look forward to hearing a drunken rant from your girlfriend. I know one thing though, these nights in are not good for me.