I need to do it tonight. Tonight is the night I will absolutely have this conversation with Grissom. I said that last night though, infact I said it every night last week. But if I don't gather my nerve and do this then the consequences will be immeasurable.

It's such a complicated story, I don't know where to start. I don't know how to approach him without completely scaring him off. But I'm resigned to the fact that he will be scared, that I will lose him. Not that I have him, not really. Once does not a relationship make.

I should explain, I suppose. Give you the details of my current state of mind, of my pathetic actions that have led me here.

It happened just over six weeks ago, it was a Sunday and most of us had the night off, so we went out drinking together. I'm not sure why now, it was not the teams usual habit to spend our 'off' evenings together - but I think Greg wanted to spend time with Sara, so Nicky mobilised the rest of us. And he was persuasive, even Grissom came. Maybe I can blame Nicky for this mess, maybe not...

It was a fun night, we did nothing except talk, and laugh, and drink. Well we drank too much, way too much. I have a vivid memory of helping Sara to the bathroom and then the sound of her vomit hitting the floor as she failed to make it to the toilet. I made Nicky take her home after that. It was good in a way, if you really look hard for the 'good', cause it sobered me up, taking care of someone else will do that to you.

Which brings me to the crucial part of my story. By the time I got people organised to help Sara, and everyone else into cabs, there was only Grissom left at our table. He had his head on the table, about to drift off into sleep. He looked so cute, it took all my resolve not to go to him and press a kiss to the smooth skin on his neck. Maybe if I was still drunk... Instead I stirred him from his drunken slumber, which was the first step on my road to ruin.

"Hey Grissom, it's just you and me. We need to get a move on, I need to get you home."

"No. No, no Cath. You need to buy champagne so that I might drink a toast to your beauty."

Did I mention he was very drunk. Did I mention what he said still gave me shivers.

"No more drink for you tonight Gil, come on, home." I moved to his side and tried to pull him into a standing position, but he was too strong for me. Instead he pulled me down into his lap, which is when I should have brought this to an end. I was the one fully in control of my faculties, but in my defence in a way I was not. Whenever Gil touches me I lose control of my senses. Anyway, I made no attempt to move, even as he brought his head to rest on my chest. Infact I made matters worse by resting my lips in his hair. He felt so wonderful, you see.

"You're very comfortable Cath. Can I stay here like this?" I would have answered him, but the words stopped in my throat as he started to trace his fingers over my sides, over my stomach, then over my breasts. Not good. Actually beyond good, but he was so drunk, and we were in public, so I tried to move. With no success, Grissom was just not letting go.

"Stay here Cath, I like you so close. You smell wonderful."

"Yeah, well alcohol would make Brass smell wonderful to you right now, let's move. We need to go get a cab, Gil."

At this he looked at me with those wonderful eyes, and I trembled, because no one has ever looked at me in those terms. There was pure desire in them, it radiated from him, from the both of us, and while I have been the object of desire before, never this badly, and it had never been this needy on both sides. So we kissed, or rather we both lunged for each other at the same time, grasping for air and lips and contact with equal fervour. It was awesome, I don't mean that in the surfer way, I mean I was filled with awe. That I was doing this, that Gil was too, that it felt so good, that I was going to let what came next happen. That I did let it happen.

"Let's get out of here Gil". I purred this in his ear as I nibbled my way down his ear to his jaw.

"'Kay."

So we left the bar hand in hand, our touch was causing electricity to pulse through my body, taking over my senses. As soon as we hit the night air, as we left the door of the bar, Gil pulled me to him. Years of sexual tension, meaningful words and glances, of frienship, were acted upon in those moments, in out frantic kisses. We both knew we would not make it to either of our homes, so we disappeared down the alley by the side of the bar. Not my proudest moment, nor the most romantic one in my life, but I didn't care. All I cared about was the burning sensation Grissoms lips were creating throughout my body. We didn't really speak, just frantic words of encouragement, of pleasure, of thanks.

I have said that it was not the proudest moment of my life, and it's true, I wish I could say we went home together and made love, but we did not. But the thing is, the sex was amazing, if slightly uncomfortable, as being pinned against an alley wall is not the most romantic of positions. This was not about comfort, it was about deperation and release. About need. Grissom whispered this over and over in my ear as he came inside me, that he needed me. He ripped my shirt, and I remember worrying what we were going to look like in the cab, wondering if the driver would be able to tell what we had just done. That prior to getting into his car we had been exploring each others body with a intensity borne of two people making up for lost time, lost moments. The marks he made on my breasts, and the marks I left on his shoulders are evidence of this, evidence of our desperation.

When it was over we stayed joined together for a few moments, trying to calm our breathing, trying to gather ourselves together. But we couldn't stay there all night, we had to break apart and move. I'm still mourning the loss of contact six weeks later, it felt like letting go. Grissom was first to speak.

"That was unexpected."

"Was it?" I can pick my moments to push. As it turned out this was not a good one. I saw no remaining signs of desire in his eyes, only nausea.

"Cath, I don't feel so good."

"Okay, let's get you home."

So I dragged him from our alley to the city streets and bundled him into a cab. He was asleep in seconds. I decided that we would go to my place, it was closer, and I felt more like looking after him there. So I directed the cab there, while Grissom snoozed on my shoulder, and I tried to keep my blouse together, to keep myself decent. The streets were quiet so we were home quickly, and it was my turn to wake him again.

"Grissom. We're at my place, you need to move."

"Okay. Well thanks for a nice evening Cath, I'll see you at work."

This threw me. "You're not coming in?"

"No, you need to rest, I'll see you at work."

The cab driver smirked in the mirror at me, but what was concerning me more was the feeling of nothingness in my stomach at his words.

"Okay Gil, if that's what you want." So I kissed his cheek, paid the driver, told him where Gil lived, and watched them drive away. It was a difficult night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't wait to get to work and speak to him, to touch him. But there was no release there.

I turned up at work as usual, made myself my coffee and prepared myself for our showdown. But he had the same idea, well the coffee idea, Grissom was in the mood for thick black coffee too.

"Cath, I am never drinking again. What happened last night, my head is not my own any more? How much did we all drink? Last thing I remember was Sara needing to throw up and you helping her to the bathroom, were we there for much longer after that? I swear the rest of the night is a black hole."

And it was at that moment that my hopes died. I was excited, and happy, wondering what we were going to say to each other - but he couldn't remember. Our drunken session would remain just that, a drunken memory that I would take out and cherish when I felt really low.

So we carried on, I carried on. Grissom was oblivious so there was no pretence on his part, we were as we always were. That is until it dawned on me. The consequences. When you have drunken sex with a friend in an alley, you tend not to use protection. We did not use protection. Does that make sense, can you tell what my next line will be?

I'm pregnant.

Six weeks pregnant, with my best friends child. My best friend who is unaware we have even been together. So I find myself putting off the moment I tell him, putting off the most difficult conversation of my life. But there are decisions to made, decisions I feel I cannot make on my own. Decisions that Gil should have a say in. So I need to find my nerve. So I know that shift will be over soon, know that I will make my excuses soon if I don't force myself to go into his office now. So I face my fear. Face the consequences.

"Gil, there's something I need to talk to you about."