IF I HAD THE CHANCE LOVE
I WOULD NOT HESITATE
TO TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAID BEFORE
DON'T TELL ME IT'S TOO LATE

All I want to do is go inside and crawl into bed. I want to crawl into bed and forget who I am, and what I have done. Last night was difficult, Catherine leaves in two weeks, so every night is now difficult. But it doesn't look like I'm about to get the solitude I crave. Warrick has trailed me home, I can see him now, keeping his distance but all the while alerting me of his presence. I hope this is going to be short, I can't deal with Warricks' problems today. I have enough of my own. And why is he coming here, I thought it was Caths' job to fix the team. I'm not up to this. But as he pulls into my drive I decide to listen to his problems, it's what Cath would want.

"Griss, can I talk to you."

"Okay, don't we usually do most of our talking at work?"

"Not today."

"Okay, come in. I'll need coffee if there is going to be talking."

"No problem, coffee would be good."

So he follows me into my home, this is the first time I've had anyone from work there. Anyone that isn't Catherine, of course. I'm not doing very well here. I promised myself I would stop thinking about her, practise for when she is really gone. But I just left her company thirty minutes ago and she's been in my thoughts constantly. I'll never be able to practise enough to deal with her absence. But I will attempt this discussion with Warrick this morning, I will try and be the person she would want me to be.

"So, what's this about Warrick?"

"That's my question actually?"

I'm not entirely sure where this is going. There is something I can't quite put my finger on going on here. I'm feeling waves of what I think is hostility coming from Warrick, this isn't like him. Usually Cath is the only one who bugs me if she doesn't like the cases I give her. If she thinks I'm trying to give her an easy ride... Did you see what I did there, back to thinking about Catherine again. I'm such a weak man.

"I don't know what this about Warrick, but can't it wait till tonight? I'm tired, and I really need to sleep. If there's a problem with your workload then we can go over it tonight."

"This isn't about work. Or it is, but not in the way you think. This is about Catherine."

I'm really far gone, I'm even imagining Warrick saying her name. I wonder what he really said?

"I don't understand Warrick, what did you say?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Catherine. Beautiful woman that we both work with, the beautiful woman you're driving away."

I need to get him out of my home, this is not a discussion I can have with him. This is not even a discussion I can have in my head.

"That's none of your business. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now."

"You know, Cath said the same thing to me. Trying to convince me that you guys are not our business. But you have to be someone's business. I tried to stay out, tried to believe that you guys would be sensible enough to fix this. But you haven't so far. So this is me, butting in."

"Your input is not required. Cath is quite capable of making career decisions on her own. You or I don't get to tell her what to do."

"I don't want you to tell her what to do, I want you to tell her how you feel."

I don't believe this is happening, this is my worst nightmare come true. People know how I feel about Catherine? I'm more transparent than I imagined.

"Warrick, what gives you the right to come to my home and talk to me in those terms?"

"I'm sick of seeing my friends miserable. And I'm being selfish, I don't want Cath to leave. But more than that, I want Catherine to be happy. And seeing you happy wouldn't be too awful either."

"Please, Warrick, don't make me talk about this. Please."

I feel sick, I've not felt this awful since the night I made a fool of myself. Since the night I made Catherine pity me.

"If you ask her to stay she will."

"That's not true. And we still seem to be talking about a subject I want very much to avoid."

"Yeah, I get that. We are talking about this, and we are finding some sort of resolution. I mean it."

"She won't stay Warrick, she wants to leave. It's got nothing to do with me, she wants to leave for Lindseys sake. She needs to work more normal hours for the sake of her daughter."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. She's leaving because she's in love with you, and she doesn't want to stick around and watch you and Sara."

I need to sit down. I need something stronger than coffee.

CAUSE I'VE RELIED ON MY ILLUSION
TO KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT
AND I'VE DENIED IN MY CAPACITY TO LOVE
BUT I AM WILLING TO GIVE UP THIS FIGHT

"I need some bourbon, Warwick?"

"You guys are gonna have me an alcoholic if you don't get yourselves sorted out. Not for me, I need to drive home soon."

"So you are going to let me be."

"Not until you promise me that you will talk to Catherine."

"I talk to her every night."

"Don't do that, don't pretend you're stupid. You are the smartest man I know and I respect you more than I could ever tell you, but you are being obtuse on purpose here. You're starting to make me think less of you, and I don't want that to happen."

"I can't talk to her, Warrick. I can't. It would be my undoing. So would you just leave me, please."

"Do you love the woman?"

I'm thinking of all the responses I could give him to this question, all the ways I could avoid the inevitable hurt I know these words will cause. I think of how I can dance round this question, avoid Warricks eyes, and his look of contempt. So I decide to simply tell him the truth, I suppose someone should know. It's just that I'm telling the wrong person.

"Yes."

"You love her, then why are you letting her go?"

"I don't know if you've met Catherine before, but I don't get to tell that woman what to do. No one does."

"You could tell her you love her."

"Again, and I'll tell you this once more, I'm not talking to you about this."

"I have to say this is probably the most uncomfortable conversation of my life, but I'm not stopping. You've admitted you love her, so now I want to know why you hurt her so much."

"I don't understand. I've hurt her, it's Catherine that's hurting me. She is the one that's walking away."

"You and Sara hurt her."

"There is no me and Sara."

"Then why did you tell Catherine there was?"

I should have known, Warrick has been talking to Cath. He knows about my disgrace, that I made a fool of myself. I know now I am not going to find my way out of this situation. Warrick is going to make me talk.

"I told Catherine I was with Sara to make her hate me a little less, to make her stop pitying me. I thought there could be nothing worse in the world than to have to endure her pity. But I was wrong, her absence will be much more difficult to bear."

"I know Catherine, she has never shown you pity, why would she? Why would you think that telling her about an imaginary relationship would cause her anything but hurt."

"Did she tell you about the night I went over for dinner, the night I made an idiot of myself."

"She did."

"Then you should know why."

"Nope, really not making the connection you want me to. Why would Catherine telling you she loved you, and you being an asshole in response make you want to tell her you were with Sara."

I don't understand this, why is Warrick always talking about things I don't understand.

"Warrick, she told me nothing."

"No, she really didn't. I spoke to Cath yesterday and that was definately not what she said. She told you she loved you. Seriously Griss, she loves you."

"She doesn't, she can't..."

"She does."

Now I know I'm dreaming, I've found a new way to torture myself, Warrick is haunting me now instead of Cath.

BEEN UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING TO DROWN MY SORROWS DOWN
BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP ME SINCE YOU'VE GONE AWAY
I'M SO TIRED OF THIS TOWN WHERE EVERY TONGUE IS WAGGING
WHEN EVERY BACK IS TURNED
THEY'RE TELLING SECRETS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE REVEALED
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE GAINED FROM THIS BUT DISASTER

"You don't understand any of this Warrick..."

"Then make me."

"I don't know if I can. How can I explain nearly twenty years of life in a few sentences."

"Then don't try and do this in a few sentences. Tell me, I'm not going anywhere. I'm trying to help man, that's all I'm trying to do."

"Do you know how long I've kept this secret, this dirty secret that I have. And I was right to keep it secret, I was right to keep my feelings to myself. Look at what's happened since I decided to to talk about them."

"Ok. Griss, your idea of talking about your feelings is completely different from what I would normally consider talking. You've told me nothing, man. "

"I'm not talking about this morning, I'm talking about what I told Cath."

"Listen, what do you think you told her? The way I heard it, Cath finally tells you she loves you and you come out with a classic. What was it you said, that you didn't know what to say to her. If you weren't my boss, and I didn't think I was gonna get some sort of explanation here, well there would be fists involved."

"I told Cath that I was in love her, was actually quite eloquent about it, I thought. Anyway, she didn't answer for a long time, and then she told me she loved me."

"Right, and the wrong because...?"

"She loves you Warrick, she loves Nick. I don't want her to love me like that, but that's what she told me that night. That's what made me produce the 'I'm with Sara' excuse. I was trying to make things a little more normal between us again, I guess I didn't work."

"You guessed right. Tell me, man, what exactly happened between the two of you?"

"I'm not very comfortable telling you about that."

"I know, I'm less than comfortable hearing about it. But tell me."

If I tell him, then he will go. If he goes then I can go to bed, and forget all this. I can wake renewed and ready to face my life again. I can wake up believing this lie.

HERE'S A GOOD ONE
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MY FRIEND
HE'S EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN NOW
CAUSE WE ALL KNOW HIS SINS

"You know I went over to see Cath and Linds for dinner?"

"Yeah."

"There was nothing too unusual about that, I spent time with them sometimes. It was my happiest time, the time I spent with those two women. And that night was no exception, it was a quiet night. Cath cooked, and Linds talked. I remember feeling warm, so warm. And it was happiness that was giving me that feeling, the warmth of being in their delightful company.It made me brave, it made me stupid and reckless, and I will be sorry for that forever. Cath and I ended up talking long into the night, again there was nothing too unusual about that. We have done that often over the years, I had come to depend on her words. But I have managed to drive them from my life. Anyway, we got sleepy I guess, we had quite a bit of wine, so we fell asleep on the sofa. Have you any idea what that was like, to fall asleep to the scent of Catherine overwhelming you. It was beyond my wildest dream, to simply fall asleep beside her was enough. And then it wasn't, it was so far from enough, and I lost control. I'm not the best of sleepers, I guess I'd only been asleep for a few minutes when I woke to the sight of Cath leaning on me, leaning into me. It was... There are no words. I've never seen her look more beautiful, and I've known her a very long time remember. I took her hand, I kissed her eyelids, I kissed her nose, and I kissed her face. And then I made myself stop. I stopped kissing her so that I might speak. I told her that she was my life, that I wanted to spend the rest of time on this earth with her. If she wanted me too, that everything was in her hands, I would do whatever she asked me to. I finally confessed my secret, that I was in love with her. That I couldn't live another day without telling her those words, and I needed to hear her reply. I asked her to tell me if she was in love with me too. I said that if she loved me, as she would a friend, if she simply 'loved' me then I would let her be. But if she were in love with me, then she had to tell me, she had to. I guess that wasn't an attractive request, she was quiet for a long time. But then she kissed me, just soft, barely there kisses, I have to confess I got hopeful. But then she told me those words I was afraid of, she told me she loved me. I was in the friend bracket, and I admit I didn't deal with it too well. I was in a rush to get out of there, so maybe I was a little hurtful. But I was hurting too. So that's my story, I made Cath look at me with nothing other than pity that night, she was beside herself trying to feel less like the idiot I was. I didn't want that to be the way she looked at me from then on, so I made up the lie about Sara so she would think I was okay. I didn't want her to pity, or worry for me anymore."

"Wow."

"I think that's the most words I've used at the same time in years."

"Yeah, wow to that. But also, wow to you guys being dumb. Really, you're supposed to have known each other for so many years but do you really listen to each other anymore. I'm taking you to Caths' now."

"You're not my mom, Warrick. And you're not Cath, you don't get to boss me around."

"Okay, but I just listened to you confess your undying love for Catherine. Yesterday I listened to her do the same for you, do you think you should perhaps talk to the woman? I can't be listening to any more of these secrets, I just want to hear about the happy ending. Go talk to the woman."

"You're not mistaken about this?"

"No."

"So I should go talk to her? Do you think that's what I should do?"

"I think you should go kiss her a lot, but that's not a visual I want to deal with again... So go talk to the woman, don't let this go any further than it has already."

"She'll be sleeping now, I should go later maybe."

"Do I have to drive you?"

"No, I'll go now."

"Okay, good luck man. She's a hell of a woman, make sure you deserve her."

"I know she deserves better than me, but I love her. Thanks, Warrick. Thanks for coming over."

I watch Warrick leave and then make my way to the bathroom, I should shower and change before going to see Cath. But that would take time, and I want to see her now, even looking as bad as this.

I need to see her now.

Those are the words going round in my head as I speed across the city to her home. I need to see her.

Please wait for me Cath.

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Sorry if that was rather contrived, but I really didn't plan on writing a follow up to the previous one, and found myself in rather a deep hole!