SOMETIMES I GO WALKING THROUGH FIELDS
WHERE WE WALKED
LONG AGO IN THE SWEET USED-TO-BE
AND THE FLOWERS STILL GROW
BUT THEY DON'T SMELL AS SWEET
AS THEY DID WHEN YOU PICKED THEM FOR ME

I'm thinking about him more and more these days. It's becoming distracting. It wasn't always like this. I admit for the first few months after he left, there was an element of moping, but I survived. I survived with most of my self intact. But the nights appear to be getting longer, and my thoughts are turning to him more and more. Why did I have to get the supervisors job when Gil left, all this time spent doing paperwork is really just the worst... I understand now why Gil hated it so much. I wish he were here so I could nag him about doing it, which is so not what I should be thinking about.

But that damn Dolly Parton song that was playing on the radio earlier, she's got me thinking. She's got me writing one of my crazy emails again. The emails I never send, but the emails I pour my heart out to. The emails I wish I had the courage to send, that he would read and then come running back. Actually in my fantasy he comes crawling back, but that's just being picky. Anyway, the sweet, sad song that I am replaying in my mind tonight is taking me to a place where I miss him more than I can stand, and I love him more than I can say. It's taking me to my heart, that's where I feel these things, where I hide them. So my door is closed, it's been closed these past months, and I sit at my computer and share the secrets and hopes I know no one will ever read.

AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU
AND THE LOVE WE ONCE KNEW
HOW I WISH WE COULD GO BACK IN TIME
DO YOU EVER THINK BACK ON OLD MEMORIES LIKE THAT
OR DO I EVER CROSS YOUR MIND

Gil

I'm writing to you again. Are you getting sick of these letters? I hope not, I don't think I'll ever tire of writing them. I'll start the way I always do, if that's okay.

I miss you.

I really do. I miss you. All these things have happened since you left and you're missing out. There is so much you don't know. Which makes me so sad. And then I think about your life now, and all the things I don't know. I don't know anything about your life, do I? Or I suppose I know the important facts. The important fact. Grace. She has such a beautiful name, and you love her, so she must be a great person. But I must confess, I wish for a time when she were not in your life. When I was your life. Do you remember?

Anyway, I'll talk a little about work. They all miss you, you know. I'm a cool boss, I think, but I'm no Grissom. And I miss you, but I've said that already right? I miss having you at work, having someone that gets me. Someone that I could share a look with and that would be all the communication we would need to be understood. I miss the laughs. I mean there are still laughs, Nick teases me as much as I used to tease you. But you know this, I've told you all this before.

This time I wanted to tell you other things. Personal things. I think if I can bear to write, then you will be able to read without coming undone. Okay? I think about that night, you know. I think about where we would be today if we hadn't had that argument, if we hadn't decided that we needed time apart. Right now I simply feel that we need time together... But that's not to be. But I wanted to know if I am alone in this? I mean I know I am alone, I know we are apart... But am I alone in this?

Do you think about me? Do you think about me with regret? Do you hear a song on the radio, and think that they're singing about you. About us? I do. I've not done that since I was in high school, but I do these days. I can't seem to be able to help myself. You're a very hard man to get over, to forget. I suppose I would make it a lot easier on myself if I were willing to let go. But why would I be writing this if I were in a place where I wanted to let go? I'll let you read the lyrics that are driving me crazy at the moment.

DO YOU EVER WAKE UP LONELY
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
BECAUSE YOU MISS ME, DO YOU DARLIN'
OH AND DO YOUR MEMORIES EVER TAKE YOU BACK
INTO AN OTHER PLACE AND TIME
AND DO YOU EVER MISS THE FEELINGS AND THE LOVE
WE SHARED WHEN YOU WERE WITH ME, DO YOU DARLIN'
I JUST WONDER DO I CROSS YOUR MIND

Does that speak to you of me? I suppose to be fair, it probably won't. When you hear a song, or read a beautiful line in a novel, you'll think of Grace. You've moved on. You're so lucky with that. But that song speaks to me of you. I want to know all the answers to the questions being sung. I want to know if I am on your mind at night, that when you fall asleep if I am the last thought you have. You are my last thought, Gil. But Grace will be yours now. And when you turn over in bed, there is a warm body to hold. I hold on to memories. I cling to sensations that I used to feel, sights that I used to live for. The feel of your arms around my body in the morning, your breath tickling my ear as I wake up. I loved waking up in your arms, I regret every day that we walked away from that. I wonder if you do?

But I will have to wonder these things. I wonder about other things too. I wonder about how your lips feel. I'm starting to forget, I can't remember if your kisses were soft, or if you branded me with your lips like you do in my dreams. So I don't know if the dreams are real memory, or imagined. I like to think they are a little of both. I like to think about you. That makes me sound a little weird, but it's your fault, you know. If you were still here then I could talk to my best friend about my problems, instead of writing these crazy letters. So it's all your fault Mr Grissom, remember that.

So I should stop this now, I'm at work and I really have other things I should be doing, working probably. I'm starting to think that's my problem, that I still work here where you are still so very much a part of the building. I still think of this office as your office, I told Warrick last week that the file he needed was in "Gils' office", I should really try and get over that. Get over you. I realise you are not coming back, and I don't just mean to me, I mean to the team. I know this to be a fact, but there is a bigger part of me that believes there will be a way out. That if I find some hidden piece of evidence, some piece of the puzzle I've yet to solve, then I will have the answers that will bring you back to me.

A girl can dream.

Let me share some more of the song, let me see if I can persuade you with someone else's words.

OH HOW OFTEN I WISH THAT AGAIN I COULD KISS
YOUR SWEET LIPS LIKE I DID LONG AGO
HOW OFTEN I LONG FOR THOSE TWO LOVIN' ARMS
THAT ONCE HELD ME SO GENTLE AND CLOSE

Now think about the song from the other perspective. I want you to think that you are singing these lyrics, that you are missing my lips. Do you miss my lips? Do you miss the way I used to rub your temple when you had a migraine, that my touch was the only thing that could bring you any relief. Do Graces' fingertips have the same magic touch? Does her hand reach out to touch your arm, your back, or any part of your body of it's own volition simply because the need to touch felt as natural as breathing. If you can answer yes to these questions then you are a very lucky man.

I am stopping this. I have to. This does me no good. While I will never tire of writing you that I love you, which I do, I don't believe it's helping me as much as I thought it was. This connection to you is false, I never hit the send button on these things anyway. The emails I do send you are all business, aren't they?

So I will tell you one last time. I love you and I miss you, and I regret every day that we let each other go without fighting for us. But maybe that was meant to be too. Take care of yourself, you know I am here if you ever need anything. You know I always will be

Cath

So do you see why I don't send them? I'm not very good at expressing myself, and I have a tendency towards the Hallmark moment. Also I would come across as a crazy stalker, not the vibe I want to give off. So I write these things once in a while, when I am at my lowest point. I write, re read them, laugh at myself a little, then I hit the cancel button. I know I should stop with all this, I just wrote that I would didn't I? So anyway, I should be getting back to work and stop listening to country music on the radio. A rule I should live my life by.

I'll go back to thinking about him, not all the time, the letter writing usually stops the pinning for a few days, but I know my thoughts will return to him soon. He haunts me. I'm glad that he haunts me, that he is always on my mind. I wish I knew if I haunt him, if I am ever in his thoughts. I would like to ask him these questions, but I shall not. But he will always be in my thoughts.

AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU AND THE LOVE WE ONCE KNEW
HOW I WISH WE COULD GO BACK IN TIME
DO YOU EVER RECALL THESE OLD MEMORIES AT ALL
OR DO I EVER CROSS YOUR MIND?

THE END