I come here when I need to feel. If I could only tell you how many times I've tried to stop, how many times I've promised to give this up... I can't. I find my comfort here. It makes me content, makes me feel special. And it makes me feel alone, so very alone.

I come here, increasingly, to be with Gil. I find these days that I need him so very much, I can cope with the despair, or so I tell myself, if I can just be with him. I can cope with anything because we have this time together, this time when we can be ourselves. And sometimes, for long moments, it is enough. It is enough that we are as we never are, it is enough that we are together. Does that confuse you, are my words difficult to follow? I think they probably are, I think they are to everyone but myself... And even I am beginning to question my logic, my dependence on this place. This man.

Should I explain? Or should I simply tell the story as it really is? Maybe the telling will provide some form of the two, maybe this will be understood and I will convince myself to continue. Maybe.

But I am a sensible woman, some of the time ;I can think clearly and without prejudice, most of the time... Except, of course, for my weak spot. My six foot weak spot. I've been trying so hard to resist, to make my life real, but I can't seem to say no to him.

And all of that is a lie, an untruth. I am dreaming again, putting words in his mouth. I would have no reason to refuse him, to say no. I would have no reason, because he has never asked. Which is what this is all about , really. He never asks, and I never ask, but I imagine and I dream.

I dream.

Of him.

Of us.

I dream.

And it's taking over my life, so I have to stop. I know enough to know I should let him go. But then I hear what I'm saying, and the urge to laugh is so strong that all is real again. I can stop this, I simpy have to choose to. It's not real, and I don't belong there. But I can't have what I want in the real world, I can't have him there so I'm taking what I can.

I know how silly all of this sounds, if I heard one of my girlfriends talking like this we'd have a serious, serious chat about her sanity. But that rational thought process is not welcome, I can't be rational about Gil Grissom. Not on the inside, not where I think, where I feel, imagine and dream.

I dream.

But I mentioned that before, right? I dream of him, and I'm spending more and more time living in that world. His presence in my life is not enough, so I bring him further in. He holds me while I sleep, and kisses me awake. Does that make me sound like I'm losing my mind? I hope not, I know that to be false. I am sane, if I were not then I would not feel this overwhelming sadness. It's settled on my heart, I'm afraid, and I don't think I wear it very well. That's why I have to stop, to close the door and leave him behind.

It first started years ago, I'm sure everyone at some point has sucumbed to it. You dream of that boy, the one who doesn't even know you're alive. Well, my particular dream guy was Tom Stewart. He was my first boyfriend, eventually... I managed to leap from the dreaming room to reality with that one. But not with Gil, never with Gil. No matter what I do, or don't do, we stay as we are. We fight, we flirt, we go home on our own.

And that's the thing, I think Gil will always go home on his own. He doesn't want to share his life, not completely. Not with me. But then, I've never asked, I've never had the courage. Which is not me, usually I ask questions first and to hell with the consequences... But not with Gil, the consequences are potentially too devastating. I would lose too much, I would lose him. I know, I know. I don't actually have him, but I would lose the part of him I believe to be mine. I know that sounds a little insane, but while we stay as we are, there is a part of him which is mine. It's unspoken, implicit and true.

Regardless of truth, however, I am stepping out. I am indulging one last time, one last dream and then back to reality.

I know what will take place tonight, it's been the same for months. I will climb beneath my quilt, I will close my eyes, and he will be there.

He holds me close, pulls me against his body and tries to touch my skin. My shirt is in his way, and his hands find their way underneath. Always. His fingers always find their way to my skin, it's why I come here. I want his touch like this forever, but I will settle for this. We sleep together, and I find rest like I've never known before. That's one of the reasons I've been so reluctant to stop all of this, I need what he gives me. The sense of peace I find while I sleep in his arms. And I can almost convince myself that is true. Almost.

But then I wake up. And I am alone.

And I've been dreaming. I am not in his arms, I never have been. I know that.

I wake and I am alone. I went to sleep alone, it's just the bit in the middle I can manipulate to my will. It's only in the dreaming room I can manipulate Grissom to my will.

When I wake up I am alone.

I've left him behind.

I can't begin to tell you how hard it is to let go of all your dreams.

The end.