I'm wondering what I should order for breakfast, so all I am thinking of are eggs and bagels...

Except that's a lie, probably the biggest one of my life... Cause right now I am wondering how I will survive the next words that come from Gil if they are not the ones I want to hear. Does that make sense? I feel like I have lost all sense of, I don't know, myself?

I am sitting in a crappy diner with Gil Grissom, my friend and boss - and it's important I think those things about him in that particular order - and I am waiting for him to make or break my Christmas. Or not, I mean this is Gil and me so we could just eat some eggs and go our separate ways... You know what, maybe I should just speak to the man and not obsess like this while trying to hide behind a laminated menu...

"Catherine?"

"Yeah?"

"So are we going to do this?"

Now isn't that the question. I guess we're about to find out.

"Do what? I told you, I'm paying so order whatever you want."

His expression tells me just how little he appreciates my attempt to lighten the mood.

"Sorry, Gil. I don't know what to say, you know? It's been a long night and now this... And it's Christmas and I haven't even finished shopping, and Linds will hate me if don't get these Christmas lights she's set her heart on but that just happen to have sold out everywhere in Vegas, and I need sleep, and I hate my hair right now which shouldn't bother me, I know, but is does..."

"Catherine shut up."

"What."

"You were rambling and I was afraid ..."

I want to smack him upside the head so much right now, I though this guy was supposed to get me.

"Let me stop you right there Gil, you were afraid I was going to talk to you and make you uncomfortable? What is that? You are supposed to be here to tell me about... Never mind, I should be getting home I have a lot to do today. I'll see you tonight, sorry this didn't work out."

I'm in rage mode right now, even I'm not sure where it came from, but the anger is pulsing in my blood and I need to get out of here. I grab my bag and bolt from the table...

"You make me crazy, you really do."

I don't know how to react to that sentence, am I getting the blame for something here. Have I done something wrong, why am I not moving?

"Don't go."

Gil is standing beside me now, holding onto my wrist as though he really doesn't want me to go anywhere - and I don't want to go anywhere so maybe I should just sit down. Perhaps I should tone down the crazy a notch or two and listen to what Gil has to say, or at least let him explain the whole 'you make me crazy' thing.

"Please, Cath?"

He has loosened his hold on my wrist slightly and is trying to make me lose my mind by stroking his fingers along my arm - well I think he's trying to make me lose my mind but he's smiling at me now and I can't read him when he does that. Isn't that sad, I've known this man for longer than most people in my life and I don't know what he thinks right now. I mean, I want to believe he is thinking 'well she's nuts, but she's all I have' or maybe ' she's nuts, but she has nice eyes'.... I think I might be rambling, and I think it might be connected to the jolts of what I can only describe as electricity coming from Gils' fingers straight to my veins. And I do know how sappy that sounds, and I want to hate myself for thinking it, but I don't, I really don't. Maybe it's because it's Christmas, maybe it's because I'm exhausted or just maybe it's because I'm finally ready to have a conversation with my friend about this thing between us.

This 'everything' he was talking about earlier.

"Sit down Catherine, please? Look we have coffee and few minutes to talk, can we do that; make it your Christmas gift to me..."

He's smiling at me again, and it occurs to me that I don't have to 'read' his thoughts when he looks at me like that. I should simply enjoy that he is smiling, and that for a few minutes we get to be happy or whatever passes for it in our lives.

"Okay, sorry. I am tired you know, but I'm sorry for... whatever."

"I thought this might work out differently this time, I really did Catherine."

And he's sad again, I've managed to steal his smile in a manner of minutes. Quite a woman Catherine, quite a woman.

"What did you think would be different?"

If I hadn't felt the words leave my throat I would not have believed they were mine. I sounded so quiet, and not like the woman I like to think I am, and probably not the woman Gil wants.

"Catherine, I thought we were going to talk."

"This is talking, right now."

"I wanted to tell you about my plans."

Okay.

"You have plans for me?"

"No, but I thought we might have plans for each other."

There's that smile again, and I think my boss might be flirting with me. God, I hope he is.

"I thought this was going to be about you and I finally talking about the plans we might have had for each other all these years. Is that what this is, Gil?"

"I hope so."

And I suddenly don't recognise this man sitting opposite me, this is not the man I have worked beside for so long. His voice sounds different, much sexier if that is possible. And I know for a fact that Gil Grissom, my Gil Grissom, would not be kissing my hand... But this guy is, he has my hand in both of his and is holding my fingers against his lips.

"Please stay, Cath."

Anything you want Gil, just don't let go.

"Okay."

And maybe this is going to be okay, because this is my Gil Grissom, the same man I have loved for years. I can see it now so clearly that this is the man I have always cared for, and has always cared for me. He is the same gentle man, the same gentleman, that I have always found my comfort in. And he is holding my hand. I love Christmas.

"Talk."

"Catherine, we should maybe get out of here? We should go to your place or even mine, we could use some privacy."

Not this time, Mr Grissom, I simply won't allow it.

"No, Gil. We stay here until we say whatever it is we want to say."

"Okay."

"You promise?"

"Catherine are we going to go round in circles like this all day?"

You know we will, Gil.

"Not this time."

I refuse to let this happen, not when we have come this far today. So I get up again, but I am not leaving. I move towards Grissoms' side of the booth and slide in next to him.

"Talk to me Gil."

Before he can respond, and before he can freak out at my forwardness, I remember who I am and that I get to have a say in this. I move towards Gil, lay my head on his shoulder and rest my hand on his thigh.

"Catherine, if you do that I'll not be able to concentrate on words again. Are you sure we can't go home?"

"Soon, I want the words first Gil Grissom."

"Then that's what you shall have Catherine."

"Everything?"

"Everything, Cath."

At these perfect words he reaches for my hand, the one I am trying to hold confidently on his thigh, and curls his fingers with mine in a gesture I hope I will come to depend upon.

"So I should be honest with you Catherine about what I want, and that's okay with you?"

"Sure, I guess. I'm open minded but, you know, there are limits..."

"Catherine?"

"Sorry, Gil. I'm nervous. This is you and me, and it looks like we might be becoming an us... I haven't had that in a long time."

"You've had relationships, Catherine. I could tell you about all of them, I've sat in my office and watched you leave with other men."

His fingers have tightened round mine, and I don't know whether that's good or bad.

"I don't need to explain my choices to you, Gil. I hope you don't think..."

"I don't need or want explanations for your past choices, Cath, I'm trying to understand this one."

"This one?"

"Yes. Us. Here. Now."

"Do we need explanations, can't it just be right?"

"I know what I feel, but I don't know what you do and that makes me very nervous."

That makes two of us, Gil.

"I don't know if you want to hear what I have to say - it might lead to a discussion you don't want to have."

"And I thought I was nervous before, Cath... I thought you wanted to be here with me."

Life is about the choices we make, right? So I could choose one of two paths today, I could tell him that I want very much to be here with him; and it would be a truth, of sorts... Or I could tell him what I know I should, I should tell Gil what I really feel. But I'm going to need a clear head to do that, so I slip my hand from his and try and put a little distance between us again.

"Gil how about you say what you want and then I'll say what I want, and then we can see what happens."

"You've moved away from me, Catherine, am I supposed to read something into that?"

"I just need to sit where... You know what, it doesn't matter where I sit, and this feels like we're doing what we always do. We could talk in circles all morning, we've been doing it for years Gil, but today can we please just tell each other the things we usually only think about."

I seem to have hit a nerve with these words, Gil has moved still further away from me and now refuses to meet my eyes. Somedays I want to take him in my arms and hold him until whatever it is that haunts him lets him be. Days like today. Somedays I think that which haunts him could be me. Days like today. But as usual I will not hold him, I'm not moving though, today I need words.

"I meant what I said earlier, Catherine, I do wish everything in the world for you..."

"Beautiful words but I don't know what you mean."

"Then you need to let me finish, Cath. I'll do this your way, I'll tell you what I normally only think about. I will stay away from you, I won't make any attempt to touch you or comfort you - but you have to let me finish."

"Okay."

Focused Gil is sexy Gil. But I digress.

"When I tell you that I want you to have everything I mean just that. I want you to have a happy life, and I want to be involved in that happy life. I want to see you smile, I need it actually because I believe your smile to be one of the most beautiful sights in the world. I want to have a life with you, a life away from the lab, and for that life to include your daughter. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, and I want to take off your clothes. I want to do grocery shopping and laundry with you. I want to watch TV with you, and Linds, while we're eating pizza from the box. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, and I want to take your clothes off. I want for us to mean something to each other, and I want people to know it. I want to go dancing with you, just so I can watch you get dressed up for it. I want to cook for you and take care of you. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, and I want to take off your clothes. I want to want to watch you sleeping and be there when you wake up so you can tell me of your dreams. I want you to have a Happy Christmas and a New Year that includes me in your life. I want you to not see other men anymore, and right now I think I want you to do that one the most. I want you to want me. And I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, and I want to take off your clothes."

Honest Gil is sexy Gil too, as it turns out. Am I allowed to say that I want for him to hold my hand, or would that get in the way of me telling him what I fear the most.

"I don't know what to say, Gil."

As soon as the words leave me Gil is on his feet and on the move. Somehow he manages to squeeze past me and escape from the booth we have been sharing. Now what do I do? I wish just once in my life my smart mouth would say the right thing instead of what it always does. I need to tell Gil that, if I can catch him.

"Gil. Gil, wait."

Man he can hussle when he puts his mind to it, I only gave him a start of a few moments and he is already in his car. I think this is about to get ugly.

"Gil, don't you dare drive away from me."

Okay, that's good. He isn't driving away yet, think that has more to do with the fact that he can't get the engine started though.

"Gil, I know you wouldn't leave me like this at Christmas."

I'm shouting now, but I don't care. This storming off that he is doing is a little too much like Gil getting the last word, and I refuse to let that happen...

"Please, Gil, let me in."

I am standing at the passenger door to his car, refusing to let go of the handle and am - I imagine - acting like a crazy woman.

"Please, Gil. It's Christmas, remember, goodwill to all men and co- workers who have a tendency to say the wrong thing."

"Catherine, we should forget about this. I can drive you home if you want but I don't want to talk about this."

Isn't that the truth. But I have learned my lesson for today, I can hold my tongue for a few more seconds. No sooner have I opened the door and climbed in, than Gil is speeding off in the direction of my home. This is turning out to be quite the day.

"Gil will you let me explain?"

Silence is my answer until he reaches over and turns on the radio. Yeah, Catherine, you really have done it this time.

"I can talk over that, you know. I have a daughter who thinks she can drown out my voice with music, doesn't work then either."

"I like to listen to music when I drive, Catherine, that's all. You've already said what you need to, and I know you're sorry that it upset me and that's okay. We can leave it there, I'm taking you home and I'll see you at work tonight."

What can I say to that, it seems perfectly reasonable and a part of me want to agree with him. But I mentioned earlier that there is a time in life for choices, and apparently today is the day for those choices. I could let us go on as before, because there have been times in the past when we have almost allowed ourselves to admit what there is between us... And then we have both let it go, at moments like this we have let it go. And you know what? I don't want to let this man go.

I don't know how to do this, it's been a long time since I've told a man that I'm in love with him, is there a right way to do it? But then I don't want to scare him off, would words of love do that? But this is a man who just told me such beautiful things about his hopes for us, should I simply tell him that I want to hold his hand too. But I should not do that until I have asked about his feelings? I need to know before I can offer him any words in return.

"Cath, are you sleeping? Cath, you're home."

I wish I was sleeping, Gil. I wish I could sleep through these entire holidays and I would wake up when it's all over. But it's my turn to talk now.

"I'm not sleeping, but I still don't know what to say."

"Cath..."

"No, it's my turn now, and if I have to lock you in here you are going to listen to me."

"I always listen to you, Cath. I listened to you a few minutes ago when I poured my heart out and your response was to tell me that you didn't know what to say. I think I might be done listening to you today, Cath, if you don't mind."

"Well, I think I might be in love with you."

See, I should not be allowed to be in charge of my own sentences, that lack of coherence is back again. I wanted to make it sound better than that, I wanted those words to make him happy - but they don't seem to have had any effect. I thought I was losing my touch, hurts a little to know that I've competely lost it.

"I want to talk about that, Gil, and I want to talk about what you said earlier and how happy that makes me, but..."

"Why is there always a 'but' with us Catherine, why can't you just say 'I think I might be in love with you' and invite me in?"

"Sara."

And there is a relief now that I've said it, but also I feel in my gut that I may have ended something special before it got the chance to go anywhere. But I have to know, I can't allow this man who has so much of my heart, to lie to me about his own.

"What?"

You know what, he's usually more eloquent than that, I think I might have said the wrong thing. Or the right thing...

"I want to know about you and Sara?"

"Sara?"

"I believe that's the name I've put out there."

"Our Sara?"

"Yes, Gil. Your Sara."

"Why would you think she is my Sara, I meant ... Nevermind what I meant, what is this? I thought we were talking about us today, what's Sara got to do with any of this?"

"That's what I want to know, Gil."

He's staring at me again, this time I'm sure he's certain that I am crazy. At least he's looking me in the eye now, it's me that's afraid to look back at him - I'm so afraid I'll be able to read him and the emotions I see there will not be meant for me.

"Catherine, were you not listening earlier when I told you how much I want to be with you? Did I say it wrong, cause if I did tell me what you need to hear."

"I told you what I need to hear, Gil. I need to hear about your feelings for Sara."

"This is ridiculous, Catherine."

"Please, Gil. Please do this for me."

I have his hand in mine now, willing him to talk to me and enjoying the touch of his skin next to mine. Gil has decided to not play fair, he has raised our joined hands to his lips and he is kissing my fingers now. It would be so easy to give in, but I've already promised myself I would not do that this time.

"Tell me, Gil."

"There really is nothing to tell, Catherine."

"Does Sara know that?"

"Sara... I think sometimes Sara confuses friendship for something more, but she knows there could never be anything between us."

"Has there ever been anything between you?"

"Catherine, where is all of this coming from?"

"Everytime you've watched me go out on a date, everytime I've flirted with someone that you didn't approve of... That's what it is like for me when you shut the door to your office and Sara follows you in. I wonder what is going on, I wonder... I can't say it, Gil, I hate how I sound when I even think it."

"Say it, Cath."

He leans over to me and plants the tiniest little kiss on my lips. Our first kiss and I'm talking about another woman, very typical of our dysfunctional whatever this is.

"I wonder if you care about her more than you care about me."

I said I hate how I sound when I think it, and I do realise how petty I sound when the words leave my lips. But I had to say it because, well because I want to know the answer.

"How can you even think something like that, Catherine. I didn't know it was a competition."

"Don't make fun of me, Gil. I'm being serious here, I know you care about Sara and I don't mean for you not to - but if we are to... If we are to ever mean anything to each other, if you want me to have 'everything', then part of that has to be the truth."

"Okay, Catherine. All of what I said to you today has been the truth, the only lies I have ever told have been lies of omission. Everytime I wanted to tell you how I felt, and I did not, those were lies. I would never lie to you about my feelings, or knowingly toy with yours. I care about Sara, and I worry about her because I recognise something in her that I wish I did not."

"What?"

"Me. I recognise myself. She is lonely and sometimes her sadness is palpable. She reminds of myself, of the man I used to be and the man I could so easily become if I did not have you. Sara... I don't know, I want her to be happy, and I can't fully explain why... So the best I can do is to say that she is me without you, everytime I see her I thank God for you and wish that I could help her in anyway I can. I want to be her friend. I just don't want her to be sad, but if that hurts you then..."

He really can be very sweet sometimes. I tell him this by launching myself at him and snuggling as if my life depended on it. I kiss his ear because it happens to be the nearest part of skin I can get to, and maybe it been a fantasy of mine for a year or ten. Anyway...

"Thank you."

My breath whispers across his neck as I say that to him, and my reward is his sudden intake of breath and the feel of his arms crushing me tighter against his body.

"Why are you thanking me, Catherine?"

"For telling me the truth, for being so sweet, for wanting to take care of Sara..."

"You're thanking me for wanting to take care of Sara?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Are we okay?"

"Well that's the question, isn't it?"

"I need the truth now, Catherine."

"I want you to have everything too. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you. And I want to take off your clothes."

"That's good to know."

"Yeah, so what do you plan on doing with that information?"

"I believe I gave you the very same option a little while ago and so far I have had no discernable response."

"No discernable response? I believe I told you that I thought I was in love with you."

"I remember that part."

He kisses my hand again, tickling my palm with his beard. I could stay in this car forever if Gil would do that to me for all time.

"I think I might be in love with you too, Catherine."

I respond the only way I can, the best way. I get out of the car and walk round to the Gils' door, open it and reach for him.

"I'm tired Gil, and I really need to sleep now. So I want you to come inside with me where it's warm and where we can be more comfortable. Come inside so I can hold your hand, kiss you, and take off your clothes."

So we hold each others hand and go home.