HEAVEN BEND TO TAKE MY HAND
AND LED ME THROUGH THE FIRE
BE THE LONG AWAITED ANSWER
TO A LONG AND PAINFUL FIGHT

"I can't believe you're really going Cath. I can't believe you'd leave us like this, how will we get by without you?"

"Warrick I'm sure you'll survive, and after the first week my abscence won't even be noticed."

"We both know that's not true. You're just saying that to make this easier on yourself."

Maybe I am, but I have to. My whole reason for leaving is to make my life easier. I couldn't bear to stay, I just couldn't.

"Okay, so you'll miss me, but no one is irreplaceable. Remember that."

"He doesn't want you to leave, Cath."

Why did he have to say that? This is supposed to be a quiet breakfast with my friend, it's supposed to be safe here. There are topics which are not discussed, doesn't he know the rules?

"Please, Warrick, please... I don't want to talk about it, there's nothing to say."

"Well honey, I don't particularly want to talk about it either, but we're gonna."

"No."

"Yes. You can't just walk away and not look back, you've known him too long for that."

"This isn't your business, you don't get a say in this. Let it go, let's just eat our eggs and go."

"It is my business, you would do this for me if I was being dumb. You don't want to go, tell him that."

"It's too late, Warrick. We missed our chance, and that's fine. It's how it is."

"You're a terrible liar Catherine."

"Maybe, but Grissom and I missed our chance. End of story. You do know about him and Sara, right?"

"I'm not sure what there is to know, she has a crush. You know Grissom, he's too kind for his own good. He just doesn't know how to tell her."

"Look, I don't want to talk about this. They are a couple, I know that for a fact. Grissom told me, okay? He told me..."

I don't want to talk about this anymore, he's making me feel things that I'd only just managed to control. I can't cry here, recently I've spent so much time crying in the shower... I've come to depend on it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. I really didn't know. Has it been going on long."

"Even if you got me drunk I wouldn't be able to talk about this. The words would stick in my throat. Literally."

"I can't believe he would do this."

"We're not going to sit here and say horrible things about Gil and Sara. They don't deserve that, none of this is their fault. It's my fault."

"What did you do?"

"I forgot."

"What?"

"I thought he knew, so I forgot to tell him."

"That you're twice the woman Sara is, and that's a conservative estimate Cath."

"That I love him."

TRUTH BE TOLD I TRIED MY BEST
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY
I GOT CAUGHT UP IN ALL THERE WAS TO OFFER
BUT THE COST WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN I CAN BEAR

"We are gonna need booze for this Cath. Let's go."

And I agree, I suppose. It would be good to talk, maybe cathartic, maybe what I need. But I'll need vodka to help me get the words out. So once again I'm drinking in the morning, but this time it's not a case I want to forget. It's Gil. I should get used to this, because the aim is to forget him.

"So, does he know?"

"You're very pushy today, Warrick, not sure I like it."

"I'm always pushy, you just don't like where I'm going this time. I want to know what happened, something must have happened to make you think you have to leave us."

"Nothing happened. Nothing at all."

"Remember earlier when I said you were a lousy liar... Tell me, honey. I don't like to see you like this, do you want Nicky and I to kick his ass? Cause we will."

"No, I'll kick your ass if you touch him. Got it?"

"Sure."

"Good."

We could be here all day talking like this, but I am telling him the truth. Sorta... Nothing did happen between us, nothing. And that's what breaks my heart. We've had such a long friendship, and it stuck... Neither of us seemed able to break out of the zone we found ourselves in. I should have told him, but I left it too long. And he has Sara now, and I want him to be happy. She is a sweet girl, I give her a hard time sometimes, but I know her worth. And if she makes him happy... She was the one brave enough to communicate her feelings, I'll always admire her for that.

I'll always hate her for that.

THOUGH I'VE TRIED I'VE FALLEN
I HAVE SUNK SO LOW
I MESSED UP
BETTER I SHOULD KNOW SO DON'T COME ROUND HERE AND
TELL ME I TOLD YOU SO

"So, let me get this straight. You love the guy, loved him for years, been best friends with him, worked by his side... You've been in each others lives for so long, and that's all gonna stop? Cause you're afraid to tell him that you love him? I thought you were stronger than that."

"Me too, turns out I'm not. But I did tell him. I did tell him that I love him."

If I could take those words back, I would almost be able to bear this. If I could go back and erase those words from his memory then I might be able to look at him, but I can't. So I'll try to leave as gracefully as I can.

"You told him?"

"I did."

"And what did he say?"

"Nothing, he said nothing."

"Oh, Cath..."

"Now, that's enough. There will be no using that tone of voice around me, I'm okay. Some things aren't meant to be."

"But I don't believe that. The way he looks at you, he doesn't look at Sara that way. I always thought that I would know I was in love, properly in love, when I found a woman to gaze at they way he does at you. He loves you. I know he does. So you have to stay, you just have to."

"The 'you just have to' arguement only works when you're eight, sorry honey. I have to leave. I'm not doing this for the drama. I'm not doing this because I think he will run after me if I go, I'm really not. I know he won't, we missed our chance. Or rather I think we missed nothing, we were never supposed to have a chance. I am leaving for the best of reasons. I need a life without Gil Grissom in it, I need to be happy, for my own and Lindseys sake. I so want to be happy again, and I won't be watching Gil and Sara."

"I don't know what to say to that."

Those are the most hurtful eight words in the English language when they are put together like that. Words to break you're heart. I know that to be true, they are the words that broke mine. Poor Warrick, he's looking at me like I'm crazy. He's always right, damn man.

"What did I say, Cath?"

"Gil said those very words to me when I told him I loved him."

"What words?"

"I don't know what to say to that."

"Are you kidding me? I am gonna kick his ass, he doesn't get away with that."

"He was being honest, I respect him for it."

"There is no way that man was being honest, he was hiding."

"No. I'm not the sort of woman he could love, Sara is. I accept it. There is a certain amount of peace in that realisation, hence I get to leave work and start my new life."

WE ALL BEGIN WITH GOOD INTENT
WHEN LOVE IS RAW AND WRONG
WE BELIEVE THAT WE CAN CHANGE OURSELVES
THE PAST CAN BE UNDONE
BUT WE CARRY ON OUR BACK THE BURDEN TIME ALWAYS REVEALS
IN THE LONELY LIGHT OF MORNING
IN THE WOUND THAT WOULD NOT HEAL

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I thought that's what we were doing here, I thought I was telling you things."

"No, you're giving me the edited highlights. You just told him you loved him, he didn't know what to say, so you left it there? I don't believe you, what happened?"

I love Warrick, I really do. He has a good heart, all the guys that I work with have such good hearts. I'll be sorry to walk away from that. But much as I love him I don't think I'll be able to tell him this, he's not my best friend. I wish I could tell my best friend about this? I wish I still had a best friend.

"Okay. If I tell you what happened, will you let me go without anymore protests?"

"Can't promise you that, Cath. Nick and I are considering not allowing you to leave the building after your last shift. We simply will not allow you to leave."

I will miss these boys of mine when I leave them behind.

"You're not the boss of me, that would be Lindseys job. Anyway do you want to know my sorry story or not?"

"I have vodka and pretzels, spill."

It will feel better after I say it out loud, I guess.

"I think I may have built the big story into something it's not. It's really not that exciting, girl confesses her love, boy pretends he doesn't hear. Boy starts to fall in love with another co worker. Girls heart starts to break, girl moves on. That was the edited version."

"I want the heart breaking version, Cath."

I will not cry, not again. But I'll say it once more.

"He doesn't love me."

IT'S THE BITTER TASTE OF LOSING EVERYTHING
I HELD SO DEAR

"He does love you. How many times do I need to tell you this?"

"Okay, maybe he does. But not in the way I want him to, which is beyond pathetic cause I'm not sixteen. I should be beyond all this, I really thought I was. Okay, you're gonna have to shut up and just listen, okay? I'll tell you, and then we will never speak of it again. Okay?"

"You're the boss."

"Lindsey made Gil come over for dinner, he'd helped her with a school project - so the poor guy gets thanked by having to eat my cooking. It was a nice night, you know. I didn't give anyone food poisoning, Gil was really sweet with Lindsey, and I got all stupid and happy. You know that way you feel your whole body is smiling, my cheeks hurt, it was awful. Anyway, Linds went to bed and Gil and I stayed up talking, and talking, and talking. Which was normal, it's not like we've never done that before. We've done that so many times, but it felt different. Actually, I now know that to be an untruth - it felt different for me. I don't know what it was, maybe I had just gotten tired of waiting. Maybe I'd just thought so much about the two of us in my head, I made it more real than it was. But it was more real for me. We were sitting on this couch, feet up on the coffee table, drinking wine, and putting the world to right. I don't remember ever having that much fun. And he was so comfortable, it felt wonderful to be that close to someone and to be completely at ease. Anyway, you know what it's like, you drink some wine, you get comfortable, you get sleepy... Well we both feel asleep, sort of propped up against each other on the couch. I don't think we were asleep very long, but it was comfortable and in the fog of waking up I wanted to hold on to him for a little longer. So I kissed him, he was still sleepy, and it was just little chaste kisses on his face, but I lost myself. I didn't want it to stop, and he didn't even know it had begun. Anyway he took my hand and told me he should go home, and like the idiot I am, I told him I loved him. Horrible words. Horrible words that have ruined everything, words I should have kept to myself. I'll never forget the look of fear in his eyes. I have seen fear before, I know what it looks like, and that's the expression he wore. So like I said, he told that he didn't know what to say, I called him a cab, and he went home. End of story. Say something."

"Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't misunderstand his response."

"No, honey, I really didn't misunderstand his response. I misunderstood his feelings. And he has Sara. The story is over."

"Are you leaving because you're embarrassed?"

"I don't think embarrassed is the right word. Although I am a little humiliated. If it's not too dramatic then I could say I'm heartbroken, but that would not be a reason to leave if I didn't think it were for the best. I want to wake up and look forward to going to work, you know? And I'm not too shabby, I'd like to meet someone someday. And if I stay where I am then I don't know if I could do that. It would be too much to watch Gil and Sara... It would just be too much, and I'm not strong enough for that."

"You're the strongest woman I know, Cath."

"You really should meet more woman you know that?"

"So there's nothing I can say that would make you stay? I'll make you coffee every night, I'll always let you drive..."

"Words a woman always wants to hear, but no. In my head I've already left, I just need to work out my notice. There is no going back, there's nothing to go back for."

HEAVEN BEND TO TAKE MY HAND
I'VE NOWHERE LEFT TO TURN
I'M LOST TO THESE I THOUGHT WERE FRIENDS
TO EVERYONE I KNOW
OH THEY TURN THEIR HEADS EMBARRASSED
PRETEND THAT THEY DON'T SEE
THAT IT'S ONE WRONG STEP ONE SLIP BEFORE YOU KNOW IT
AND THERE DOESN'T SEEM A WAY TO BE REDEEMED.

So he lets me be, to Warricks eternal credit he knows when to stop. He knows when he's fighting a losing battle, if only I had that same instincts. Anyway, these next few weeks will be difficult, having to face all those accussing stares. I know people are talking, but that's never bothered me before. I don't care about 'people', but then I've mentioned that before. I care about...

I'm not going there anymore, those words can only hurt me again. He doesn't care for me, not like that. I care about Lindsey, I care about my daughter. And that's it.

The story is over.

THE END