FORGET ABOUT IT
I'M ADMITTING I WAS WRONG
AND I'LL JUST TAKE WHAT'S MINE AND BROKEN, RIGHT OUT THE DOOR

I'm getting so tired of this feeling, this feeling of exclusion. Of not being needed. It hurts to write that he doesn't need me anymore. It hurts even more to accept it as a truth.

I hate being on the outside so much. I don't belong there. I hate that she has taken my place, and that I allowed her to take it. I gave him away, I fear. Which is what makes this situation so much worse, I've had so many opportunities over the years to tell him of my heart, and make him mine. But I missed all my chances, and by the time I gathered my courage she had already made her claim.

I hate her.

I don't hate her. I don't.

It's just that I love him so much, I really do. I love Gil Grissom. I used to think that was enough, that the very fact of me loving him would make him want me too. Or would make him acknowledge his feelings for me. The feelings I know he has, I know he still has them. I know he does. But I waited too long, and I should accept that. I know I should.

But...

I hate seeing them together. I can't accept it, why should I have to? We belong together, I've always known that. He was going to be my reward, at the end of the day, at the end of a shift, he was going to be my reward. But he is hers now, and I makes me want to eat my own heart. Really.

I know I should move on and forget about him, but I can't leave my job. I can't leave everyone here, I love it too much. But the thought of seeing them together, night after night, is almost too much to contemplate. So I should leave, despite the whole not wanting to bit... I should leave. Cause then he would miss me, and then he would want me back. I hope.

I'm so pathetic, I can't believe I've turned into this much of an idiot over a man. I should be better than this, I am better than this. But he is my weakness, always has been. But I should gather my last nerve and move on. I should just admit defeat, and leave them to each other.

But I can't, I know he deserves better.

FORGET ABOUT IT
I'LL SPLIT AND I'LL BE GONE
AND YOU'LL HAVE MEMORIES YOU'LL FIND HARD TO IGNORE
CAUSE AFTER ALL, I'LL SEE YOU SOMETIME BABY
WHEN I CAN'T RECALL, HOW YOU DROVE ME CRAZIER

What should I do? Really, what should I do? I want to ask Grissom that very question, the man I trust most in the world would give me an honest answer. Maybe not. Maybe this one would be too difficult for him. I would so love to hear what he has to say. It would be my undoing if he told me that he infact wanted me, that my confessions to him made him realise we belonged together. It would be my undoing if he told me he was happy with her, and that I should move on.

So as I sit here trying to decide my future, I was about to say I was trying to decide 'our' future, but that would be a lie now. Anyway I should be working now, but I'm hiding out, trying to put my life in order. Trying to decide if I would prosper more if I moved out of his radar. On work terms alone it would be better for me to not be here anymore, I'm holding myself back here. He holds me back, but that is something I haven't minded before. I wanted to be held back so that I might stay alongside him. But my position next to him has been usurped, so there is no reason for me to be here anymore.

I move between wanting to go to him, to crawl into his arms and just not let go, and wanting to run. To make him ache for me in my absence. But what if he didn't ache? What if these years have meant nothing and he would simply carry on as if nothing had changed, as if my leaving were of no consequence. That would almost be more difficult to bear than the knowledge that he wakes up in her arms everyday. I don't think I could live with that.

I would have so many memories of him, of all our time together, all the important moments we have shared. The hurt, the laughs, the work. Always the work. To tell you the truth, it was the work that was always my biggest fear. I thought I would lose him to the job, that he would be swallowed whole by the weight of the burden he wears for the people he helps. But she seems to make that burden easier, and he has come alive under her touch. Why couldn't I have known that was the way it was supposed to be? It makes me crazy that I missed it, that I still miss him. Would he miss me if I were to walk out of here right now and never come back? Would he regret all the things we should have been to each other and now can never be?

Should I test him? Should I make him make him choose all over again?

FORGET ABOUT IT
WHEN FOREVERS OVER I WON'T REMEMBER HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU ANYMORE
FORGET ABOUT IT
PUT ME OUT OF YOUR HEAD, NOW THAT YOU'RE FREE AND EASY
OUT THERE ON THE TOWN

I can't do that. I need to protect myself here, need to think about what is best for me and mine. I need to get over him, is what I need to do. And staying in this office is not going to achieve that anytime soon. It doesn't help that I can feel his influence in everything I do here, he has shaped who I am at work and I don't want to leave that behind. It comforts and scares me in equal measures. I need to find who I am again without Gil Grissom, much as that hurts. He has found out who he is without me.

I wonder if he thinks about me, if he notices how different I am around him these days. I know he makes no concession to these thoughts while at work, if anything he seems happier at work. He is a content man, it hurts me to admit it, but it's true. She has made him content. Or does he wear the mask of contentment? Has he made his choice and now regrets where he finds himself when he goes home. Does he ache for me the way I ache for him? I need to fall out of love with him. I absolutely must.

It would help if I could remember when exactly it was that I fell in love with him. If I could go back to that moment I would go back to what made me love him that first time, and I would undo it. I would think forward to now, and think of all the hurt my loving him has caused. Or maybe I should focus on all the hurt she has caused. I should focus on what she has taken away from me. But then I can't even do that for long, because the failure is all mine. I hurt because of my own mistakes, I can't blame her for this. I can't even blame her for loving him. How could I?

So I can't go back to what my feelings for Grissom once were, I can't erase them anymore than I could stop them. My feelings for him make me feel alive I suppose, just as I know I am alive because I hurt, but at least I know that I breathe. And I know why, and for whom. Is that nonsense? Maybe if I walk next door and say it to Warrick he would laugh at me, but I don't think he would doubt my feelings. I know he would not. But it shouldn't be Warrick I need to convince. Why can I imagine telling Warrick the secrets of my heart, but not telling Grissom. I'm so mixed up. I need to get my head straight, and I can't keep going back and forth like this. I want to stay, I need to leave!? I should just make up my damn mind. I am a woman of stong opinions, you have no idea how much I wish that were not so on this occassion. I love him too much to get over him, how about that? Why doesn't he love me?

FORGET ABOUT IT
WHEN YOU'RE LYING IN BED JUST WISHING THAT I WAS THERE TO LAY YOU DOWN
CAUSE AFTER ALL , I'LL SEE YOU SOMETIME MAYBE WHEN YOU'LL
RECALL HOW I DROVE YOU CRAZIER

I don't get why he would want to be with her. I really don't. I know that the two of us don't get on very well, I know the reason for that has always been Grissom. But even without that particular barrier between us, I don't understand what she has going for her. I know that's mean, but I really don't get her. She is moody, and always wants her own way. What's with that? Doesn't she know how lucky she is, doesn't she know I would give anything to swop places with her. She knows the look in his eye he first wears in the morning. She knows how his kisses taste, how can I like a woman that knows things that I do not? But's it's the knowing how his kisses taste that piss me off the most about her.

So does that admission mean that I have reached some sort of decision? That I have decided I will not be in love with this man anymore. I wonder if I could will myself into not loving him, I have achieved a great many things in my life through force of will. But this may be out of my reach. I suppose the only way I will find out is if I test my theory.

What if I can't forget about him, what if I can't get him out of my heart? Did I really just say that? What kind of woman am I? I always thought I wasn't the sort of woman who would be this stupid over a man, over losing a man. Maybe it's just that I normally don't lose. This time I think I have. I have lost him, even though he was never really mine to begin with, he is lost to me now. The idea of what we could be is more real than what we are. I know that, I know that. And yet?

It's those two words that have kept me going since those two have gotten together. What if he were to come to his senses and I was not waiting for him. Shouldn't I be waiting for him, where I have always been. By his side. I've always been by his side, I've always had his back. Why didn't he get that? Shouldn't he have realised why? So maybe the 'and yet' is never going to happen. I should stop waiting for someone that is never coming to find me.

FORGET ABOUT THOSE STARLIT NIGHTS
LAYING BY THE FIRESIDE HOLDING YOU TIGHT
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN I FELT SO RIGHT
JUST FORGET ABOUT IT
FORGET ABOUT IT
WHEN YOU SEE ME ON THE STREET DON'T WINK, DON'T WAVE, DON'T TRY AND
TEASE ME WITH YOUR SMILE
FORGET ABOUT IT
IF WE CHANCE TO MET SOMEWHERE DON'T THINK IT'S CAUSE I'M TRYING TO
RECONCILE.

So I won't think about him at work, I won't think about him when I'm at home, in the car, all the time. I think about him when I pick out my outfit for the day. Isn't that dumb, I wonder if he will notice me as I pick my shirt out for the day. I always hope that he will notice me. But that seems hardly likely now, not now that he has eyes for only her. But I will try nonetheless, it does my heart good to think that he might notice. That I might stimulate a response still. I need to stop with that. Must remember I'm not sixteen. I must remember this is not a competition, not anymore. She has won, the game is over.

And part of me is happy for them. The good part of me, that loves him, that wants to see him happy. I know he is, I know she is, so I should delight in that. I don't, but at least, I think, knowing that I should makes me an okay sort of person. Doesn't it?

I will get over him, I hope. I lived before I loved him, so I should be able to live after it. I should be able to live while still loving him, the dull ache of my misery should lessen with each passing year.

That sounds like I plan on hanging around here, and I think I've just decided that I will. That I have a job to do, and that it's important to me. That I can define myself in terms of my job, instead of as the woman who lost Gil Grissom. Or the woman who never had him, and never will. I can define myself as something other than a failure, because when I work I am not a failure. That is what I must remember, what I must take comfort in until I have healed. Or until I can look at the two of them and not want to throw up, or throw something...

I will stop obsessing, I think it was helpful to have this last wallow. But I will stop, I know when I am beat. The better woman lost, but then it was his decision and I will live with it.

I will. I will.

And it won't hurt, soon. I hope.

But as I see Warrick now, coming to drag me back to who I am during my working hours, I know I am on the mend. I can feel comfortable with who I am while I work, and I will try to wish them well. Or maybe simply not wishing them ill will be enough, for today...

"Sara, are you working tonight or not? Greg has got the results we need. You coming, I need you."

And it feels good to hear those words, and for tonight that is enough. I'm not over him, I still think he has made a mistake. I'll always think that. But I do feel as if I am where I am meant to be, I remember at last that I am 'right' here. That I fit, and that I'll stay. Catherine might have Grissom, but I still have all these guys. I even have the two of them in a way. But I have myself back, and that is what counts. That is where I'll start.

"I'll be right there."

FORGET ABOUT THOSE STARLIT NIGHTS
LAYING BY THE FIRESIDE HOLDING YOU TIGHT
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN I FELT SO RIGHT
SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.

THE END