WE'LL DO IT ALL EVERYTHING, ON OUR OWN
WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING, OR ANYONE
IF I LAY HERE, IF I JUST LAY HERE
WOULD YOU LIE WITH ME
AND JUST FORGET THE WORLD

"Catherine."

Now there is someone banging on my door. Am I dreaming this? Is this a nightmare?

"Catherine."

This is my fault. I wished for this, after all.

So I inch my way to the door, trying to pretend that my name is something other than Catherine.

Could I open my door and claim that Catherine is not at home?

Probably not. Be careful what you wish for Catherine.

So I do it. I open the door.

"What do you want Grissom?"

Amazing how quickly you can sober up when faced with the man of your dreams. Although I have to say, right now, not so much with the man of my dreams... I don't think I've ever seen anyone go quite that colour and still be breathing. As I stand in my door way and stare at my ex boss, I notice that is a certain amount of swaying is happening, and it's not something I'm taking part in.

"Gil, do you need to sit down?"

"CATHERINE. I NEED TO FIND CATHERINE."

"Okay, I think you need some coffee, and you definately need to sit down... But most of all, you need to shut up."

"I want Catherine."

Yeah, now you tell me.

"Gil, get in here."

I grab his arm and manoveur him into my home. I really should have pretended that Catherine was not at home tonight.

"I need to speak to Catherine."

"Honey, you need stop drinking tequila when you can't feel your own legs - how about that for a plan? Get in here and sit down."

I have to say drunk Gil is hard to handle, not that sober Gil is really any easier... But the man can hardly stand up straight, I have no idea how he got here in one piece. And I really wish I didn't have that thought, cause I'm thinking of checking him out for potential bumps and bruises he might have suffered on his way over here... Did I really just say 'checking him out'? I need to get this man out of my house before I do something he'll regret.

"Can you get Catherine for me? Please, I really need to speak to her."

"Gil, how much have you been drinking?"

"Some."

He really is very cute, I could almost forgive him for breaking my heart. He is slumped on my sofa, eyes closed to the bright lights of my living room. When he cuts loose he really goes for it, how come I didn't know that about him before tonight? And what the heck am I going to with him now?

"Gil..."

Why am I whispering? Am I afraid of disturbing the drunken idiot in my house? I need to go to bed. And I need to get Gil out of here so I can do that. Right?

"Gil? What are you doing here?"

Apart from trying not to puke, obviously.

"I need to speak to Catherine."

"Yeah, you've mentioned that a few times. How about you do some of that actual talking now, Gil."

"She's leaving me."

Okay. What?

"Gil, I'm right here, talk to me. This is your chance to talk, honey. Can you hear me? I'm right here. It's Catherine."

On my words I touch his cheek, trying to jolt him towards some sort of sense.

"She's leaving me. I NEED TO SPEAK TO CATHERINE..."

Man he's wasted. I'm gonna kill Greg for this, right after I kill Gil.

"You need to keep it down, are you listening to me? Linds is upstairs and I don't want you to upset her. Gil? Are you listening?"

You know what, he really isn't. I don't think there will be anything approaching a conversation with him tonight. Which is gonna drive me nuts, because he had to have come here for a reason. Of course he did, he wants to speak to Catherine... Does he know someone else called Catherine? He better not. What am I saying, get him out of here and get on with your life Catherine.

"Gil? I'm gonna get some coffee, and I'm calling you a cab. Okay? Can you make it through to the kitchen without waking up the whole street?"

"She's leaving me."

Okay, well at least he's sticking to his chain of thought. And to me apparently...

"She's leaving me, Catherine."

And Gil has now decided to rest, or something. I've been hauled onto my sofa, and pulled against Gil as he lies down. I wonder if his head is pounding as much as my heart. Man, that was a pathetic thing to say. But I meant it, my heart really is pounding. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. Gil makes my heart quicken in my chest. But we've probably already established that, and it's why I'm allowing myself to be here with Gil like this. I know I shouldn't, I should go and make coffee. But instead I am in an awkward embrace with Gil, sprawled across my furniture in a tangle of legs, arms and tequila breath.

"She's leaving me."

Yeah, but she doesn't want to Gil.

I DON'T QUITE KNOW HOW TO SAY HOW I FEEL
THOSE THREE WORDS ARE SAID TOO MUCH
THEY'RE NOT ENOUGH
IF I LAY HERE, IF I JUST LAY HERE
WOULD YOU LIE WITH ME
AND JUST FORGET THE WORLD
FORGET WHAT WE'RE TOLD
BEFORE WE GET TOO OLD
SHOW ME A GARDEN
THAT'S BURSTING INTO LIFE

Okay, I need to move because this is entirely too seductive. Which is a ridiculous thing to say, because as seductions go - well, I've had better. I am lying on top of Gil, I really am. And if I stopped there then that could be quite a cool story, but always with us there is more. We are both fully clothed, certainly under the influence of alcohol, and only one of us is aware of our location. And if that wasn't enough, I don't think either of us have ever been less attractive than at this moment. I am almost certain that when I left the house earlier tonight my eye makeup was, you know, around the general area it was supposed to be... Now, I can feel it on my cheek. And as for Gil, alcohol is oozing from his pores - and if I didn't love him so much I would not allow him anywhere near me. Not that I love him, of course not. I'm sure I agreed with myself that was not true. Anyway, we've been like this for about 5 minutes, so I have to move and bring this little pretence to an end. He is drunk and sad, a combination my self respect demands that I stay well away from. Well, it would if this wasn't Gil. You know, this is Gil...

"Mom? Mom, are you there."

Oh, this night just keeps getting better.

"Linds, are you okay honey? I'm right here."

I pry my body away from Gil, ignoring the little grunt of annoyance he makes as I leave him, and run upstairs to my daughters bedroom.

"Mom, someone was shouting."

"I'm so sorry, honey, that we woke you up."

"No mom, you didn't wake me, but some guy did. Who was that?"

"It wasn't 'some guy' Linds, it was Gil. He's a little upset."

"Oh."

And I hate that my daughter is not apalled. I hate that her only reaction is 'oh'. It reminds me just in time why I am leaving this city, and why a better life awaits us in New York. I cross to her bed and try and encourage her back under the covers and to sleep.

"Come on sweetheart, you need to sleep."

"Okay, will you stay awhile?"

"Always."

I climb on my daughters narrow bed and hold her to me through the barrier of quilts and blankets between us. I feel like her mom right now, which is more precious to me than I could ever express. I rest my lips on her sweet head and breath in the scent of my baby. The geography of my whole life, and heart, lies within my arms now; and I know I could never be happier with another soul.

"Is he okay mom?"

"Gil? Yes, sweetie, he's okay. He's tired and he enjoyed the party a little too much."

She giggles softly at my declaration, and all over again I wonder at the gift my daughter really is.

"He had too much champagne?"

If only sweetheart.

"I think he did sweetie. I'm sorry we woke you, I know Gil will be mad with himself for doing that."

"Is he staying here tonight?"

And I honestly don't know what to say to that question, asked most innocently by my baby.

"He's sleeping now, and I don't want to wake him. Is that okay?"

"Mom, he's going to have a head ache tomorrow, won't he?"

"Yeah, I think he will."

"Okay, I'll make breakfast with you in the morning to make him feel better."

I hold her closer to me, trying not to cry - trying not to be such a pathetic mom. I hope the moonlight in her room will keep the secret of my tears.

"Okay, Linds, we'll make breakfast in the morning but now you have to go to sleep. I love you, Lindsey."

She giggles again but this time turns in my arms to hold me back. She kisses my cheek, and once again I curse my tears.

"Are you crying mom?"

"Not sad tears sweetie."

And that's only half a lie.

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm happy, just happy. I love you, Linds. Okay?"

"I love you too, mom."

And this is it, you know. This is all I really need, all I'll ever want. It would be nice to have a man in my life who loves me, but it's not the end of the world if I do not. It would, however, be the end of my world if Lindsey was unhappy or that she did not love me. My daughter is enough, and I should remember that, and cherish it. Lying with her now, nothing else matters except the two of us. We could forget the world and all would be well because we have each other.

"Mom?"

"Yes, sweetie."

"You know you're still on my bed?"

I kiss her once more and rejoice all over again as she smiles and kisses me back.

"Sorry Linds, but you're too comfy. I may have to move in here with you."

"MOM."

"Okay, okay, I'm going. Are you gonna be able to get back to sleep?"

"If my mom gets out of my bed then I might be able to."

She really is quite obviously her mothers daughter sometimes. And I love her with my whole heart. But I take the hint, badly, and move away from Linds to let her sleep.

"Night baby."

"Night mom."

LET'S WASTE TIME CHASING CARS
AROUND OUR HEADS
I NEED YOUR GRACE TO REMIND ME
TO FIND MY OWN
IF I LAY HERE, IF I JUST LAY HERE
WOULD YOU LIE WITH ME
AND JUST FORGET THE WORLD
FORGET WHAT YOU'RE TOLD
BEFORE WE GET TOO OLD
SHOW ME A GARDEN
THAT'S BURSTING INTO LIFE

I feel slightly ridiculous creeping about in my own house, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I need to see if Gil is still crashed in my living room before I can head off to bed. That's what I tell myself I am about to do, but I really just need to see him. Crawl into his arms, you know the usual.

"It's okay, Catherine. I'm awake."

So much for creeping, I seem to lack a certain stealth these days.

"So you do know I'm Catherine now?"

"What?"

"Never mind, Gil."

"Catherine, why I am here?"

He is the most frustrating man I have ever met in my life.

"I don't know, Gil. You walked in asking to speak to Catherine."

"What about?"

"You tell me, Gil."

"I don't remember getting here, I think I might have had too much to drink Cath."

You think?

"Yeah, I got that much, Gil."

"Can I lie here for a while, Cath. Just for a few minutes till the room stops spinning."

"No, Gil. There is no way you are throwing up on this carpet, get up."

"My legs won't work, Catherine. I think I might have been drugged."

I'm gonna make him suffer for this tomorrow.

"Gil, honey, you drank with Greg that's why you can't walk."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. Come on, let's get you to bed."

Under almost any other circumstances those would be words the best I could ever say. If only he had control over his limbs, thoughts, and self - the little things.

"Cath, I can't get up and my head feels like it's going to explode. I'm sorry, Cath."

"Okay, let's get you upstairs."

I pull Gil to me and fall into step beside him. He is heavy against me, a weight I would usually welcome and curl into, but not tonight. He is not aware of what he is doing, and that's not the circumstances I wish to be in as I lead Gil to my bed.

"I'm sorry, Cath. Did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"It's okay, stop apologising. I need you to concentrate on moving, okay?"

"Sorry, Cath. Sorry."

He tightens his hold around my waist, and God help me but I enjoy it. It's nice to have his arms around me, even in these circumstances. I know it's pathetic, I know it goes against all I should do, but this is Gil. I love him, and I can't resist this contact with him. I just can't.

"Gil, can you make it into my room."

"The room is spinning Catherine, is there something wrong with your house."

I stop for a few moments and press my lips to his forehead. He seems like a little boy right now. Okay, a little boy wasted on tequila, but still a little boy. Why can't we just be easier with each other, I think we could both be happy.

"Gil, honey, my house is fine, it's you that feels bad. Okay? What we're gonna do is go into my room and you're going to lie down and go to sleep. Okay? And when you wake up in the morning you'll feel better, well you might feel worse for a while, but it will get better."

"Okay, Cath."

Okay.

So I do what I thought was beyond me, I led Gil into my bedroom to rest.

"Can I lay down, Cath?"

"That's the plan, Gil. Help me a little bit, sit down for just a few seconds till I get your shoes off."

"Do I have shoes on, Cath?"

"Yes, honey, you do. Now sit for a second and let me take care of you."

Did I just say that? I think I did, but I hope Gil doesn't realise just how I want to take care of him. So I ease his shoes off and push him back onto my bed, feeling proud that at least I still have the moves.

"I don't feel so good, Cath."

"Well think about that next time you attempt to drink a bottle of tequila."

"Okay. But I really don't feel good."

"Get under the covers and try and relax."

I help Gil into my bed and arrange my quilt around his body, and now I don't know what to do. Should I watch over him, should I go downstairs, or should I get in bed?

"Night, Cath."

"Night, Gil."

"She's leaving me you know."

"Ssshhh, try and get to sleep, we can talk in the morning."

"Okay, but she is leaving me and I never got to tell her."

"Tell her what, Gil?"

"That I love her."

Okay.

"What, Gil? Gil? Who do you love? Are you talking to Catherine? Are you talking about me, Gil?"

"..."

"Gil? Are you talking about me?"

And he offers me no answer, as he has finally done as I asked. He is sleeping. We never seem to catch a break, we really don't.

I still don't know what to do, although I can tell you what I want to do. I want to crawl under the covers and hold him as though he is mine. As though he belongs here. With me. But that is not fair, it might be if Gil was this side of conscious... But like I said, we never seem to catch a break.

So I'm going to do the only thing I have ever allowed myself to. I do what I have before when I wanted to be close to him.

I sit on the side of the bed closest to where Gil lies and I begin my routine. I have done this before, and it's never been enough - but maybe tonight it will be.

I hold his hand in mine and cherish the very bones of him. I wish for his health and his long life and give thanks that I have been lucky enough to call him my friend.

But that is not enough.

I move my hand to his cheek, enjoying the contrast of his soft skin and the roughness of his beard. He turns his head further into my touch as he sleeps, and I almost weep from the pleasure of his unconscious caress.

But again that is not enough.

I sit up straighter, enjoying the brush of his hip against my own. I trace the lines of his forehead, relaxed now in sleep, and move my fingers over his tired face. I trace his eyes, and his lips - hoping that the pleasure I take from this contact can be somehow felt by Gil. I once again kiss the pad of my thumb and then press it to his lips.

But that is not enough.

Not this time, it just isn't.

So I do it, finally. I lean over my friend and with as much gentleness as I have in me, I kiss him. I touch my lips to his and taste all that never will be mine.

But that is not enough. I have to do it, I have to tell him.

So I kiss him again, the merest touch of my lips to his and offer him what I can.

"I love you Gil. I love you. Do you hear me, Gil? This is Catherine, and I'm telling you I love you. Okay? I love you."

And that's enough, for now anyway. At least I know I said it, whether Gil heard me doesn't matter so much right now. I know it might in the morning, but not right now. So I crawl on top of my bed, resisting the urge to climb under the covers with him. I do not, I keep my distance. Which is good practise, I suppose. I need to keep my distance and love him from afar.

If I need to do that from New York, I can do it from the other side of my bed.

ALL THAT I AM, ALL THAT I EVER WAS
IS HERE IN YOUR PERFECT EYES
THEY'RE ALL I CAN SEE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE
CONFUSED ABOUT HOW AS WELL
JUST KNOW THAT THESE THINGS WILL NEVER

CHANGE FOR US AT ALL.