It seems there is no end to what the citizens of Vegas will inflict on each other, at least over the last few weeks I've come to believe that to be true. Maybe that sounds like I actually care about the citizens of Vegas, and usually that would be true, but not tonight. Not anymore. Working in this city sometimes gets to me too much, and eventually I want to run. Anyway the worst part is that I don't want to run from the City, I want to run from myself and this rut I have allowed myself to get into...

And actually maybe that's not even true, maybe I've just had a crappy night.

"Catherine, shouldn't you be home by now?"

Great, now I get into trouble when I'm off the clock.

"I should, I guess. I could say the same to you, Gil. Haven't you got somewhere to be?"

And he's looking at me now as though he has answers to that question, but it's an answer that troubles him and my boss likes to keep that which upsets him on the inside. Sometimes I wish I could say the same for myself, and other times I simply wish he would tell me what goes on in that complicated head of his.

"What?"

"Catherine?"

"No, I was asking the questions and you spaced out? What were you just thinking?"

"That sometimes I hate this city."

Yeah, I get that too.

"Me too, Gil. It was some night, huh?"

"Eloquently put Catherine, but yes it was a case I'd rather forget. Those little girls... I don't know, what kind of world do we live in, Catherine?"

"Oh give me a break, we can't start asking each other those questions or we'll never get out of here."

"If I cook you breakfast can I ask you questions like that?"

I want to say no, cause I really want to go home... It's late, or early, or whatever time you say it is when you've been at work for twelve hours and you are so bone weary that you want to crawl into bed fully dressed just so you can close your eyes that bit sooner... I want to do that, want to go home and forget about this place for a few hours, but... Gil is looking at me with such an irresistable mix of hope and uncertainty that I think I would agree to anything he asked right now. Is it wrong that there are words I want him to say, words that I would definately say yes to. Especially today.

I want to go home, but I want this mans company more.

"If you cook me breakfast, Gil, you can ask me anything you want."

And he smiles at me, but I know it's for effect and not because of any sense of happiness. I wish I could change that, but my mood is no better than his and I know he does not seek my comfort.

"Come on then, let's get out of here before we become even more morose."

"You're the boss."

So I follow Gil to his car, dreading being alone with him for the first time in the longest time. I think we will stoke each others sadness today, and that is so not what I need. But I don't seem to be able to resist, I suppose I don't want to be sad on my own.

"You're very quiet, Catherine."

"I'm thinking."

About how much I want to rest my hand on your thigh, but that's not something you'd want to hear Gil.

"I assumed you were thinking, Catherine. So what is it, work or life?"

"Yeah."

"To which?"

"I didn't know they were seperate. I was thinking about how tired I am, and how much I wish I could turn off what we see, sometimes. I'm tired is all."

"Doesn't sound like you, Catherine. You don't usually..."

"You know what, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do Gil. Maybe I do usually feel like this, maybe I've always kept it to myself before."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no... I am, I can be a real piece of work sometimes, and I should at least wait till you've cooked for me until I act like that. Sorry."

I smile at him, catching his eye in the rear view mirror; sometimes that contact is enough for the two of us. I know that and I cherish it, but sometimes a more physical reassurance would be welcome. You know? Sometimes I want to be held and to hold someone; someone that understands. Maybe I'll be able to tell Gil that one of these days.

"So, can we make some sort of peace agreement and be miserable together this morning?"

"Gil, I'll make you miserable anytime you want, all you have to do is ask."

This time I catch him smiling and I am sure it's real, so maybe I have made the right decision. Maybe we should hang out, eat some pancakes, worry about the state of the world and then go on with our lives. I know that's what we should do, it's something that has occured between us countless times before, but this time... I think I might have mentioned, I want to be held and I'm afraid I might actually ask Gil to hold me if I stay in his company for too long.

I am aware of the silence between us, but I should acknowledge that my sense of discomfort is of my own making. This drive seems to be taking forever, should I say something about that? No, cause then Gil will think I'm criticising his driving. Again.

"You only ever make that face when you're worried Cath, does that mean I'm driving too slow?"

"Shut up."

"Anymore of that and it's cold cereal for you, Ms Willows."

"Shut up."

"So, you're tired and eloquent this morning? Looks like fun ahead for me."

"Well, too bad for you cause it looks like we're home."

As soon as I've said those words, I regret my big mouth. I regret the image of Gil and I they've instantly conjured in my exhausted mind; and I regret the quick flash of pain I'm sure I see reflected in Gils' eyes. But then that could not be, I should stop projecting my own frailties onto others. And I should gather my nerve and say something to make Gil stop staring at me like that.

"So, this looks suspiciously like your place; don't I get an invite up?"

Smooth Catherine, real smooth.

"You have an open invitation, but you know that. Come on lets go in Cath."

So I follow my boss into his home and try and make myself believe that breakfast is all I'm interested in today, or any other day if truth be told.

"So what are you in the mood for today, Catherine?"

See, I'm not imagining that am I? Probably, and that's the problem.

"I can't stomach food Gil. I'm not driving today, I can get a cab home from here, so..."

"So?"

"I'd like something stronger than orange juice."

"That bad?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, stronger than orange juice it is."

I try and make myself comfortable as Gil mixes some drinks for us, sometimes even I notice how odd this back to front life we lead is. This is our wind down time, the time of day when most people go out for a few drinks or to see friends... So this is our 'normal', we just have it a little earlier than most.

"There you go, I went easy on the orange juice Catherine."

My hero.

"Thanks. What's this, you're joining me?"

"Yeah, I had a terrible night too."

"Tell me about it."

He sits down next to me, closer than usual I think. Or maybe I am imagining again, projecting again... But usually when I come over here we don't sit next to each other like we are now, this is new. I'm gonna need another drink really soon.

"Do you mean that, Catherine? Do you want me to tell you why I had a particularly bad night, or were those just words?"

"What does that mean? Don't make with the smarts when I've had no sleep and vodka, and don't be mean to me either. I can go you know."

"No. Stay."

He is more affected by my empty threat of leaving than I thought he ever could be, but his hand still rests on my thigh thwarting my departure. I'm not going anywhere Gil, touch me like that some more and I'm moving in. Or whatever...

"Okay, I'll stay, at least until I drink all your vodka."

And there's that empty smile again, but it's for my benefit so I shouldn't complain. I should listen, and be his friend rather than this version of myself who wants to be comforted and to comfort.

"So, Gil, tell me why it was so bad. The case was not the worst we've ever been on, why has it got you so nuts?"

"You think I'm nuts, Catherine?"

"You're drinking vodka Gil. Tell me."

"I don't think I've had enough to drink yet. Why don't you tell me what it was that made you so sad earlier. Was it the girls?"

"That's a little too simple isn't it?"

"What do you mean, Cath?"

"Exactly what you were saying, that the girls reminded me of Linds."

"Wait a minute, when did I say that? Those girls don't remind me of Lindsey, why would you say that Catherine?"

"I don't know, I'm not myself today. It just made me think about what I'm doing to Linds?"

"What do you mean? You love Lindsey, you're a great mom."

"Am I? You know that for a fact? Do you see me with her all the time, do you see me when I'm tired and irritable and she makes me crazy."

"Cath..."

"Can I have another vodka?"

"Sure."

It's only when he rises to fix me another drink that I notice he had kept his hand on my thigh this whole time. I miss it's presence already. Would it be wrong for me to ask him to put it there again when he returns with my alcohol? Probably.

"Okay, you were talking about you and Linds."

"I was. I think I mentioned that you never see me with her when I'm tired or irritable, and I seem to be like that a lot lately."

"You're tired Catherine..."

His hand is there again, his thumb tracing unconscious patterns on my leg. I wonder if he knows what he's doing, or if he realises what it's doing to me.

"We're all tired Gil."

"Maybe, but you look tired and you never have before."

I think I'm crushed.

"I think that might be the meanest thing you've ever said to me."

"I worry sometimes, that's all."

The pressure of his hand increases slightly, and he moves across the sofa towards me and looks at me as though I am a complete mystery to him. Right back at you, Gil.

"Thank you for worrying, but you don't have to. I look tired I guess because of the overtime I've been putting in lately. I need the money, and I'm trying to spend time with Linds when she gets back from school - so I'm not sleeping very much. I worry that I'm turning into that woman we saw today, I worry that Mrs Trent and I have more in common than I'd feel comfortable admitting."

"Does Linds want a cat?"

"You're not even funny, Gil."

"I try, you have to give me points for that."

"Linds doesn't want a cat, or I hope she doesn't. I mean I worry that I don't give her enough attention, I worry that I don't do enough fun stuff with her, and I worry she is out of my care for so many hours of the day that something bad will happen to her."

"Cath."

Ok that seems to have done it, because he's right beside me now with his arm wrapped around my shoulder pulling me towards him with apparently no regrets. I give in a little and lean towards him, I can pretend that I will only rest my head on his shoulder for a few minutes until I feel better.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry, Cath. Just talk if you want, or we can sit here and get quietly drunk."

"I know my daughter, I believe in her goodness and in her heart; but..."

"What, Cath?"

"I don't believe in mine, and in what I can teach her. And that's why tonight got to me so much, I'm sure that woman never believed that Jessica or Jackie would have the capacity for such evil. What if I do something, or don't do something, and I mess up my baby."

"You won't."

"But you don't know that, Gil..."

"I do. You won't Cath."

And now I'm more than a little upset, and I'm not even blaming the alcohol. I went too far today when I came home with Gil, I should have let it go; and I should be asleep in my own bed right now. I should be in my own bed, not here; not enjoying the feel of of Gils arm around me. But the thing is, I think he wants me to be here. Now I'm not saying that's right or wrong, well actually I'm probably saying that it is wrong, but it's what's happening. My head is on his shoulder, and he is tracing gentle patterns on my neck with his thumb; it's making we want to melt into and ask for his protection and heart. I know I can never ask for that, Gil could not cope with the emotional outburst and I could not live with making him feel that uncomfortable.

"Have you fallen asleep on me Catherine?"

"No, I'm trying though. You're making me a little too comfortable Gil."

Why did I have to say that? I need to direct this morning onto more usual ground, I need to make fun of Gil a little and then go home. I have to promise myself I will go home...

"I want you to know that I mean what I say about Lindsey, you have a beautiful daughter who has her mothers heart. You have nothing to be afraid of, Catherine."

I don't know what to say to that, probably because I can't bring myself to believe him. And it's more complicated than that, because I am here with Gil and I like it in a way that makes me more nervous than I could ever say. I like his fingers on my skin, and his breath on my neck as he sits with me while trying to convince me of my worth.

"What about you, Gil? Why were so freaked by last night?"

"Freaked? When have I ever been 'freaked', it doesn't really sound like me does it?"

"Okay, smart ass, you know what I'm talking about. You invited me here to talk because you had a horrible night at work, any of this sound familiar?"

"A little, but maybe I invited you here because I wanted to do this."

Okay, now I am a little freaked. Gil Grissom, my boss, has just kissed me... Ok so I was not actually involved in the kiss, but still. He just kissed me. He placed the lightest of kisses in my hair, and I think it may have been the most perfect kiss of my life. How pathetic is that?

"Gil, now I know you'd do anything to get out of talking to me. Come on, spill. If you won't admit to being freaked, then admit to being unnerved - tell me why?"

I can hear and feel him chuckling against my shoulder, reward enough for coming round here today.

"I looked at that womans life and thought of myself in a few years."

"What, you thought you would have two wayward daughters? Are you keeping secrets from me Gil?"

"No, hardly. Although I do have secrets Cath, but no I was not worrying about wayward daughters. I was worrying about Mrs Elliot."

"Okay? No, I'm sorry but I don't know what that means."

"It doesn't mean anything Cath, I let my imagination run away with me and it made me scared... I haven't felt like that in the longest time."

I know he tells me the truth because he seems to need reasssurance that I am here and he is safe. His arm that is drapped around my shoulder tightens further and he pulls me into yet another inappropriate hug. If I could find my voice I would ask him to remove his arm and go back to being my recognisable boss... And then I would ignore that and tell him to never let go. But that's only something I would do if I could find my voice.

"You have nothing to say to that, Catherine?"

I have plenty to say, just not what you'd want to hear Gil.

"I was listening, trying to understand what you thought you would have in common with that woman. I can't see the connection Gil."

"I am alone, that's the connection. I live a sort of half life and sometimes that gets to me."

"What are you talking about? You love your life Gil, don't try and convince me you don't."

"I wasn't trying to convince you of anything, I was being honest, sorry if you don't like that."

And I have broken the spell without even trying. Gil has let go of me and seems to be moving away from me as quickly as possible; what did I do this time?

"What did I do, Gil? What is this?"

"I was... It doesn't matter what I was trying to say, forget it. Maybe I should call a cab so you can go home and get some sleep."

"No, I want you to tell me what you were going to a minute ago. You really think you live half a life?"

"Sometimes."

He admitted that so quietly I'm not sure I didn't imagine it. I want to cross the room and hold him until he doesn't have that look of utter desolation on his face. I want to do that, but I know I will not. But I'm not leaving.

"You can't let yourself think like that Gil, you're too special."

Again with the big mouth, Catherine. That was not the smartest thing to say to my boss.

"Then why do I believe I will end up like that woman, like Mrs Elliot. Why do I believe I'll end up alone with only my work and my cats for company. Tell me that?"

"What are you talking about, you don't have a cat."

I admit that was the wrong part of the conversation to concentrate on. I could have said that he will not be alone, that he is more than his work; but no...

"You're right, of course. Problem solved, I have no cats, so you can go now Cath. Problem solved."

Okay, this is getting out of control, I thought this was supposed to be a comfortable breakfast with my friend.

"I didn't mean it like that, Gil. I wasn't trying to patronise you, I want to know what's got you so upset."

"I'm not upset."

Apparently he's not upset, and yet he has turned away from our conversation and is heading for the vodka. I don't accept this, I can't. So I move towards desperate to ease the tension in this room.

"Gil?"

On saying his name I touch his shoulder and apparently on instinct he moves away from the contact.

"Gil, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, maybe you were right; maybe I am freaked."

"Well, now I am too. What is it? You're not on your own, Gil. You have..."

"What? What exactly do I have in my life?"

"..."

"Exactly, Catherine. That is why I saw myself in our victim, I saw a future I don't like to imagine for myself. I accept there will not be cats in my future, but there will be an absence of human contact. Usually I'm fine with that, I probably encourage it; but sometimes the prospect of spending my twilight years with only bugs for company is too depressing to contemplate. So that is what's got me drinking today. Okay?"

No. No, it's not okay for you to feel like that. Don't you know how much I ... Maybe I should actually say this to Gil.

"Okay."

That wasn't even trying Catherine.

"So should I call you a cab now?"

"Why did you touch me?"

"What?"

"When we were sitting over there you held me. Why?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Would you believe me if I said I wasn't even conscious of doing it."

Nice try.

"No."

"Then I don't know what to say."

Me either, which is a first for me.

"I shouldn't have come here today, Gil. I should have gone home when I realised how much I wanted to sleep."

"Then I'll get that cab."

"Let me finish please. I should have gone home, but I couldn't bring myself to give up the chance of some time alone with you. When you drove us here I was quiet because I was thinking of you and how I wanted to be here. And then earlier when we sitting together, so close together, I knew that I had a made a mistake in coming over."

"I'm sorry I make you so uncomfortable, Catherine."

"Would you listen to me? Listen, please. I shouldn't have come here today because I don't want to resist touching you back. I liked it when we were sitting together, I liked it too much. Do you understand what I'm saying? I came over here thinking that I would be able to resist asking you to be anything other than my boss, my friend. But I need you to not be my boss now. I need you to... I need you, I think we need each other."

And there is silence. I have said too much, said words I cannot undo. And you know what, I don't care because I want to feel better than this and I want to make Gil feel better as well. I know I should not want those things, but I need to feel alive even if it's just for a little while. Even if it's just this once.

"I need you, Gil"

And this time he listens to me. Suddenly I am in his arms and the night before is fading into memory.

"You want this, Catherine?"

"I want you."

I kiss his cheek to confirm my statement, working my way along his skin till I reach those beautiful lips of his. I am kissing him, and he is kissing me back. Should I say something, ask him if he's sure? Should I give him a chance to back out of this, to change his mind?

"Gil?"

He is ignoring me, which I can't complain about as he backs me towards the sofa again. I recognise and accept that I should not be doing this, but his lips on my skin persuade me to leave behind reason.

"Gil? You have to talk to me."

Again I am ignored, he is intent on touch rather than conversation. I can't believe that I am the one who is conscious of this fact. But that really won't be true for much longer.

"Gil, please. Is this what you want?"

And I seem to have reached him this time, because he turns his attention away from the buttons on my shirt.

"Is this what you want Gil?"

He is breathless now, and I have never felt more for him than I do now; and it's nothing to do with the presence of his hand under my shirt. I wish again that I could fathom the contents of his complicated mind, for I know whatever he tells me will only be half the story. I want him to say that he wants me, of course I do... But I want to know why he asked me here today, because I don't think he would have chosen this path without my insistence. I want to know why I am here, but not more than I want him. Please say something Gil, because I'm going crazy here.

"Catherine..."

He reaches for me again and crushes me to him, he is holding me so tight that I fear for my ability to breathe. I hold him back just as fiercely, but that is not enough.

"I need to hear you say it, Gil. Please? I need to know that even if this is just for today, I need to know you want this as much as I do."

I pull back from him as he loosens his hold on me. He looks sad, I wish I could say otherwise but he does; those beautiful of eyes offer so much sorrow. That does nothing for a womans confidence, but maybe I want him so much because I want to change the sorrow to joy. I know I kid myself, but I cling to the belief that I may have that kind of power over him.

"Are we just going to look at each other all day, Gil?"

"If that's what you want, Catherine; you know I could look at you forever."

Inspite of my best intentions I am smiling, delighting in the briefest of compliments he gives me.

"I need you today. I need you, Gil. Tell me to go, or ask me to stay; it's your call."

I don't have the words to capture the response to my request. I think he wants me to stay, I'm almost certain of it. He has fallen to his knees and is holding me to him just as tightly as before. This time he has his head on my stomach while his hand creeps underneath my shirt again. He kisses my belly through my clothes, and I feel again what it is to be desired. He is talking to me now, but I can't make out the words because he is whispering. If I concentrate then maybe I'll be able to hear rather than feel what he is saying.

"I can't hear you honey. Gil are you okay?"

He keeps his arms around me but moves just enough to look me in the eye.

"I'm not okay, Cath. I'm not okay... But I want you too. I need you too. Please stay. Please."

And those are the words I have been waiting for... Okay, maybe not the exact words but they will do for now, for today. That is what I choose to believe anyway.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I join Gil on the floor, desperate for contact again. He is apparently as needy as I am, for my shirt is over my head within seconds and his lips and tongue are upon my skin. What a sight we must be, two lonely people kneeling together on the floor trying to climb inside each others clothes. I should care more that this is wrong, but his hands on my skin make me want to forget my name.

I seem to have become more passive in this seduction than I believed I was capable of. Gil has managed to remove all of my clothes except my underwear and he remains fully dressed. Maybe I am thinking about this too much, I should give myself over to the pleasure of it all. I should think about the feeling deep in my belly I am fighting against now, I know it's nothing but mere pleasure; but I want to call it love. So I focus again on what I should not, because then I will not kiss him back and this will not be real. I think about his mouth on my breast, or rather I don't need to think of it anymore as it has become real. Gil is kissing my breasts through my bra, and all I can think is that I wish I'd worn a bra that he would find seductive. The one I wear now is white, or rather was white when it was new, but now is simply an old favourite bra I wear when I am sure it will be viewed by no one but me. And I wish I'd worn panties that match, I really don't feel dressed for this, which is ironic considering I am removing the few clothes that remain; or rather Gil is removing them.

He seems to have tired of touching me through my ratty old bra, for he has removed it now and his lips and tongue are on me again. I can hear strange sounds, cries and moans that I can't quite place, until the truth occurs to me... It's me, I am sighing with pleasure under the hand of my boss. And this is real, we are really doing this. Which means I have to get a little involved, and Gil has to get out of his clothes.

"Gil, wait."

And that was the wrong thing to say again in my long history of saying the wrong thing. I reach up to touch his lips, enjoying the feel of his lips on my fingers as he kisses me. I want to say that we should go to bed, I want to say that he is gorgeous, but I will not. Maybe I never will.

"I'm sorry, honey, I don't want you to stop..."

I kiss him to emphasis my point.

"I just want to join in."

And he is smiling as I pull him to me and slip my hands under his shirt this time. He is smiling still as I unbutton his clothes and throw the unwanted garments as far from us as I can. I would feel better about this if I were not so attracted to him, I could look at him like this forever. I don't know who is trembling more between the two of us, and I couldn't say whether it was from desire or from sorrow that this is for now and only now. So I put that from my mind again, and kiss him. I really kiss him, and savour the joy of the clashing of our lips and tongues. We remove the few clothes that remain to seperate us and both groan with satisfaction when we feel skin on skin for the first time. Maybe the only time, but then I've fretted about that enough.

I am going to think no more, I am simply going to enjoy. I will enjoy that I am in his arms, will enjoy the taste of his skin as I kiss my way down his body. I will enjoy my effortless power over him as I cause him more pleasure than his body can contain. I will enjoy.

I will not think about what brought us here.

I will not think about the sadness that haunts us both today.

I will not think about the possibility that this might be an ending.

I will whisper these words to Gil and hope that they are enough, but I won't tell him why.

"I need you."

The end.