I find myself in this position far too often. Or should that be not often enough. Anyway, I enjoy the moments I find myself here, enjoy her presence. Most of the time her presence is enough.

"What are you thinking in that complicated head of yours, Gil?"

Is it appropriate to confess that I was checking her out? Probably not.

"My head is complicated? In what way?"

"Okay, enough with the teasing. It's 4am and I'm not at my most verbally nimble right now?"

"When are you at your most 'verbally nimble', cause I'd like to see that."

"Gil..."

She says my name as an admonishment this time, and for the first time in a long while the evidence of her exhaustion is written on her face. I wish I could let her go home, but it's just the two of us tonight. Cath had Christmas off to be with Linds, so she has to be here now, Vegas refuses to close for the holidays once more.

"I know it's hard working the graveyard at this time of the year Cath, I wish I could let you have more of a break but..."

"I wasn't bitching about working, Gil. It's not as if we are rushed off our feet tonight, we're hanging out in your office waiting for work to roll in, unless I'm mistaken?"

"No, so is it the boredom?"

"No. I just thought we might have a conversation, you know?"

"Isn't that what we are doing?"

"No. Thats not what we're doing. We're talking in circles, which normally I encourage, but tonight I felt like engaging a little more. Why is it always all mirth and no matter, as you might say..."

"I don't understand?"

"I get that."

I can gaze at her again, without her noticing that is. She has turned her back to me, which if the atmosphere were different would be a cause for celebration, I love to map the curve of her shoulders in my mind. I do this often when I am in her company, I could tell you how long it would take my finger tips to trace a pattern there. I could tell you that, but I could never tell her. Isn't that strange?

"Quit staring, Gil."

"Are we fighting?"

"No. I'm cranky, and I'm picking on you cause you're here."

"High praise. Do you want to go get some coffee?"

"I like it in here. I've had way too much coffee already, probably why I'm so wired."

"Is that true?"

"Maybe. Where did you spend Christmas, Gil?"

"You know that, I was here."

"And the day after?"

"Here."

"And New Years, where will you be on New Years?"

"You know the answer to that Cath, I'll be here. I get time off next week, it's no big deal."

"Of course it is. I thought about you on Christmas, working, always working."

"It's my choice Cath."

At these words she moves towards me again, positions herself on the edge of my desk, and I feel the air between us crackle with possibility. Although this could simply be me wishing for significance when there is none. She avoids my eyes and stares into her hands which are folded in her lap.

"Because you're kind, Gil. You want us all to have a life, to enjoy our lives. What about you? When do you get to have fun?"

"I have fun here."

It's not normally so quiet in here, I can hear the seconds tick by as they are measured by the hand of Caths' wrist watch. I'm not sure what to say, or whether I want to break her reverie. I know I don't the minute she takes my hand into the warmth of hers. Still she avoids my eyes, but I'll wait.

"No you don't, not like you should have. You are too kind, it's what makes you you. You deserve more than this. More than work."

"I have more than work, Cath." To emphasise my meaning I squeeze the fingers of the hands that are holding mine.

"Do you? How can you be so sure?"

"I'm sure of the things in my life, Cath."

"I wish I could be. This job is making me crazy, Gil."

I don't know what I'm supposed to say, what I'm supposed to do to lighten this situation, to take us back into our normal groove. But when we are being 'normal', she wouldn't be holding my hand like this.

"What's wrong, Cath?"

She meets my gaze for the first time since she took my hand, and her smile stops my heart. Not because of her beauty, although obviously she shines, but it is her melancholy that tugs at my heart.

"It's been a hard year, Gil. I'll be glad when it's over. I guess I'm just keen for the year to be over."

"I thought Lindsey was settling down, that you were both easing into a sort of normality."

"We are. I was actually talking about work, about what we see."

"The job is the same as it always was, Cath."

"Maybe it's me, maybe I'm losing my rough edges."

"I didn't know you had any. You should tell me if the cases upset you."

"I am telling you. The cases upset me. Women kill old men for $60, sons murder their fathers for a piece of land, and babies are so neglected they die on their own in the heat of the sun. We live in a horrible world."

It's her sob the is my undoing, her attempt to keep the tears inside. My heart aches for her again, and I pull her into my lap and hug her to me as though she were my life line, which she is, of course. We stay like this for countless moments, Catherine sobbing gently on my shoulder while I trace patterns along her spine.

"Why is the world the way it is?"

"It's not our job to answer that question."

"I'm not talking about our job, I'm Catherine asking Gil. Why is the world the way it is?"

"Well, that depends on your view Cath. I know what you mean about this year, but I don't think the crimes have become anymore unspeakable. They are as they always have been, and we will do all we can to see there end. But you have to appreciate the goodness in the world too, sweetheart."

I know it's unusual to call Catherine by this endearment, but it felt right. It felt that it might offer comfort. And we are acting far from normally, I have never cradled Catherine like this, and she has never before buried her face in my neck and inhaled my scent as though it were her place to do so.

"Nick bought us all Christmas gifts that he could ill afford because he knew they would give us pleasure. Lindsey made me a Christmas card because she thought about me , and I can't tell you how special that was to me. Warwick gave up half of his day on Christmas to help distribute dinner to people on their own. These are little things, but they point to the goodness in the hearts of people, that society is not damned completely."

"I know."

"Good."

I can feel her relax a little, so I pull her further into my embrace and sit back on my chair, so that I might comfort her some more. Or comfort myself.

"New Year makes me a little crazy, Gil. It makes me think of all that I don't have, and all I've not done, or said."

"Don't kid yourself, you're always a little crazy."

This time the smile is genuine, and free of the melancholy of earlier. But it flashes to quickly on her lips and then is gone, I should be able to make her smile indefinately.

"I missed you at Christmas, Gil. I thought about you, I often think about you. Did I say that out loud?"

"You did." I can't help it, it's although she has given me permission, I run my hand along the length of her hip, her thigh. I don't know who I'm trying to comfort. Although I should be honest and admit that my caress has little to do with comfort, I need the feel of her, solid, in my arms.

"What are we doing?"

"That's up to you."

"I enjoy every experience in my life so much more when you are there, Gil. I decided to tell you that tonight, I think I would have had a better year if I told you that before."

"..."

"Does that shock you Gil?"

"Shock is not the word I would use Cath. I enjoy every part of my life so much more when you are there, always will."

"Your shoulder is so very comfortable, but I'm afraid I might be squashing you. Let me get up..."

"Stay. Stay here like this a little longer."

"Okay. I'm sorry for being so weepy, it's not me, you know that. Sometimes I run out of steam, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be."

"I know. I don't want you to work over the holidays next year, I don't want to have to brood over you again next year. Stop laughing at me mister."

"Does this mean you hope next year will be better?"

"I do. We don't have to decide anything tonight, but I am telling you, you are going to be kissing me at midnight tomorrow, work or no work."

"I can live with that. Can I kiss you before then or are you strictly a no kisses before New Years kind of girl."

"What do you think?"

But I choose not to think, I chose to surrender to the feel of this woman in my arms, of her lips on mine, and her promise of the days to come. I look forward to the New Year for the first time in a long time, look forward with Catherine. Finally.

THE END