Catherine

For the first time I am replying to your email. I should just pick up the phone, but that has never been my style, you know that. I don't think I'm supposed to get your emails, am I? The first one you sent was not the first one you had written, it felt like I was joining the conversation half way through. I wish I had been there from the beginning. I wish you knew I was getting these. I wish you sent them all.

But I am worried about you, you seem to be more and more unhappy, and I know that I am the cause. So I'm replying, but have no real idea of what to say. All I know is that I want for you to be happy, but then that's always what I've wanted. You wrote today asking if I think about you, suggesting a song I should listen to, a lyric to weep to. Well, song or no song, I miss you and think about you constantly, if that's possible. Sometimes I do forget, and I get excited that I've forgotten about you (that I can live without you in my every thought), and then I remember. And then I am sad again, sad that you are not with me. That I left my girl back in Vegas.

Anyway, I turned on a country station to try and find the song you were talking about, but they didn't play it. I found another one though, you've taken me from Bach to Dolly Parton, do you know that? Anyway, there was a song that made me think of you, to use your language - it spoke to me of you. Let me show you what I mean

YOU PACKED IN THE MORNING
I STARED OUT THE WINDOW
AND I STRUGGLED FOR SOMETHING TO SAY
YOU LEFT IN THE RAIN WITHOUT CLOSING THE DOOR
I DIDN'T STAND IN YOUR WAY

That was me, wasn't it? I remember the morning I left, I couldn't look at you for fear that if I looked in your eyes I would never be able to let you go. And the decision had been made that I was letting go, and you know I rarely change my mind when I've reached a decision. Like when I decided to fall in love with you, I've never been able to change my mind about that. I doubt I ever will. But I was talking about song lyrics, wasn't I? The song made me think of you because of the way we left things, me running, and you wanting to shout. Or me assuming you wanted to shout, assuming that the look in your eyes would be anger. But your letters have me wondering, was it hurt? Was it sadness that I missed in your beautiful eyes, I should have looked in them one last time.

I know what you mean about songs having resonance with your own situation, I never did that in high school, but since you wrote I can't stop. I have the CD now with this song of ours on it, this is what Dolly is singing as I write this.

NOW`MOST EVERY MORNING
I STARE OUT THE WINDOW
I THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU MIGHT BE
I'VE WRITTEN YOU LETTERS THAT I'D LIKE TO SEND
IF YOU WOULD JUST SEND ONE TO ME

Tell me I'm wrong, tell me that doesn't sound like us? I do think of you every morning, every day when I get to work there is a wonderful moment when I truly believe the person opening my door is you. But it never is, is it? I thought that you might come for me, to bring me back to you, but you never came. So I believed it was over, that you were carrying on being the gregarious woman I know you to be. I thought that you were finding someone else, so I wanted to find someone first. I never thought I would, I never imagined you would find out. Or maybe that's all I imagined. Is it okay to talk about this? You did, you wrote about Grace in your letter to me. I hope that makes it okay to write this.

There is no Grace anymore. I don't mean that in a 'send in the CSI team to investigate the evidence'way, I mean we are not together any more. We ended before we had any chance to start. Grace ended it actually, she thought that my heart was not in it. Of course she was right, my heart was somewhere else. Is somewhere else. This song is driving me crazy Catherine, I can't stop thinking about you. This song is not helping

NOW I LOVE YOU MORE
THAN I LOVED YOU BEFORE
AND NOW WHERE I'LL FIND COMFORT, GOD KNOWS
CAUSE YOU LEFT ME
JUST WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST
YOU LEFT ME
JUST WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST

I know it was me that left, but we did both allow us to end. When I read your email, I think of you shouting these words at me. I wonder how you could ever forgive me, how we could ever forgive each other. But what you wrote, well it makes me want to try. Because there is no comfort here, there is nothing but an absence of you. I feel this most keenly when I am not at work, when I am behind the walls of my apartment. Sometimes when my headaches are very bad I look at your picture, you would laugh at the pathetic sight. But it brings me comfort, I can't have your magic fingers on my temple, so your smile helps. But it only helps for so long, I miss your presence in my home. Sometimes I awaken from my dreams of you and imagine you are with me in my bed, but there is only absence, and an empty bed.

Why did I leave, can you remember now? I know all that I can remember is that we are apart, and that hurts. It hurts, physically, Catherine. And I know it hurts you. You told me, Dolly told me.

Am I allowed to ask if I can come back to you? Do you want me to come back to your city. To your daughter. To you.

Can I come back to you?

I am about to hit the send button, I am trusting this damn machine to send this document to you. I am trusting this machine with my future, okay I'm also trusting you with it.

I don't expect anything from you. I simply hope you'll read this and understand it was sent with friendship, with hope, and with love. I hope that you will let me share your sky again, I've missed the sun. I didn't realise how much a part of me it had become. I can't function without it, I know that now.

Did I explain that you are the sun. Everyone that meets you knows that to be true. You should believe it.

I need you, Catherine Willows. If I can stand to write it, then you can stand to read it. That's the deal isn't it? So it's up to you now, I need you to make your choice.

But then I might force your hand, I want to look at your eyes when you read this. Want to see your reaction when you read that I love you. Even if the news is bad, even if I am met with your indifference, I want to look in your eyes. I hope you will meet my gaze with love.

Always

Gil

"You've got that music playing again, Cath. You need to join the rock revolution. We need some Queens of the Stoneage, not country. This lab needs to rock."

"As always, you seem to know just what this lab needs, Greg. I'll meet you in a few minutes, I must have left the radio on in Gri... In my office. I'll be with you in a minute."

"Okay, but I'm making you a mixed tape, it will be my gift to you."

"I'll treasure it."

I can hear her voice for the first time in almost a year, the hairs on my arm have tensed as the room crackles with my anticipation. I'm about to see her face.

"Grissom? What is this? What are you doing?"

"Writing you an email."

THE END