I have a favourite day.

Can you believe that? I actually have a favourite day. I'm not pleased about it, or proud of it, but it is`so. Wednesday is the best day, my favourite day - but I mentioned that already... I should probably tell you why, should probably rationalise and over think my current predicament. But if I do that, I'm afraid I'll make it real and all will be spoiled. I'm afraid that Catherine will be able to read me as well as she normally can, and she will close her door. So, I was trying to get to the point...

For the last five weeks I've been arranging the work rota so Cath and I have the same night off. I know I shouldn't do this, I know all the reasons why it's a bad idea, and yet I can't resist. In the beginning I did this because it would mean only one night apart. I just heard in my head what I just said there, "only one night apart": I paint an intimacy which is an untruth. I don't mean to imply that we are lovers who cannot spend the night apart, I was describing my inability to spend too many nights at work away from her. So we now share nights off, and I can enjoy her presence at work. That was my original plan, but I got more of a reward than I could ever have dreamed of. That first week, and every week since, Cath has invited me over to her home to spend time with her.

So like I said, I have a favourite day. The day, or rather night, I get to spend with Catherine and her delightful daughter. It's becoming a routine, and I'm addicted. I'm greedy for every particle of time Catherine and Lindsey offer me, and that can't be good because this will stop soon. I don't kid myself, not really, I know this is temporary. I know that Cath is alone right now, but she will find someone soon. Or they will find her, those unsuitable, unworthy guys who never seem to realise how lucky they are to even share her air. I know this guy will find her soon, I know it will break me, and yet I can't resist this sweet torture I'm being offered. I want more. And today I was offered it.

Not what you think, not like that. I was offered more of her time, and like I said, I'm greedy. I'm on my way over to Caths' now, it's 1.30 in the afternoon and we're going to spend the whole day together. She's gonna know something is wrong, I'm going to give myself away. She'll know I'm being weird, and she'll call me on it, and I'll get like I do and run away. After today I won't be able to claim her time and I will have lost her a little bit more all over again. I'm sure I mentioned I wouldn't think about this too much, and I am trying not to, but Catherine consumes me sometimes. All the time, every day... This is simply the last time I can make believe the same is true for her. It's been a nice place to visit.

So for the last time...

"Afternoon, Catherine. Are you ready?"

"You're dressed?"

"I am."

"Why?"

"Because collectively as a society we've decided when we go outside it's the norm to cover our body from the view of strangers."

I'm never sure whether I should be scared of that look or turned on by it. Did I really just admit that, hope it was to myself.

"Grissom sometime I wonder we are friends, you know?"

"You just don't get my humour, you and the rest of the world."

"Grissom, the reason we are friends is because out of all the world, I'm the only one who does get it."

"Okay, I can live with that, try and laugh a little more in future though. So are you ready?"

"No, get in here."

And she invites me in again, to her home. I love being in here, love being inside these walls. There is comfort here, and there is warmth and I enjoy absorbing some of that. I hope she doesn't know, I would hate to have her pity me.

"I thought we were going out, Catherine?"

"Ah, so that's why the..."

"Clothes?"

"Yeah, the nice clothes. You look nice, is what I meant."

God help me, I look nice. I shouldn't expect any more, what did I want her to say. You look wonderful, perfect, beautiful? Those are words for Catherine, not for me.

"So I take it we're not going out?"

"No, I'd rather not if that's okay. I'm sorry Gil, I didn't think. I was being selfish, I wanted you all to myself."

I think I might be delussional, I could have sworn Catherine just said words to make me lose my breath. Did she?

"Oh, don't look like that Gil..."

Like what, this is me paralysed with hope and excitement.

"... I just meant that I can't face the outside world, I want an afternoon of peace and quiet. I want to eat cereal from the packet, and watch bad TV with my friend, does that sound okay?"

It sounds like heaven, Catherine.

"That sounds fine, Cath."

"Cool."

So I'm invited in to her living room, and we have a quiet afternoon. We watch re runs of bad sitcoms and talk about nothing, and I can't get enough. Why does time always move so quickly when you want it to stand still, why can't I have these moments with Catherine forever. She is stunning right now, absolutely stunning. I know this inappropriate guy she will soon be with will never appreciate her like I do. She has Cheerios stuck to her shirt, no make up on, and I don't think she's even brushed her hair since getting up. She's beautiful, bewitching. Staring at me...

"What?"

She caught me looking, I need an succint answer now.

"What?"

Excellent Grissom, really excellent.

"Are you bored with this? You were staring out the window, do you want to change the channel?"

"No, this is fine. I wasn't looking out the window, I was thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing."

"Which means you were staring out the window."

"Yeah."

"Are you okay Grissom, you seem a little blue today."

"I do, what makes you think that? We've been sitting here talking about old Lucy episodes, I've not mentioned anything about being any particular colour."

"See you're making bad jokes again, which means you're hiding something or pretending that whatever is bothering you isn't bothering you."

What bothers me is that I can think about how beautiful you are, but I can't tell you the words.

"Let me get dressed, Gil. We can head out for some food before Linds gets home."

"No, I like it here."

More than I could ever tell you.

"Okay, well no more I Love Lucy. Take the remote and pick something good while I put on some coffee."

I don't really know how to do this, just be with someone. It's been so long since I've had this with anyone, and I know this is one sided, but still. I usually spend my afternoons listening to music, cooking, reading: alone. I wanted to make this fun for Catherine, wanted to be the friend she needs. Maybe I just can't do that, maybe that is something I should face.

"So what're we watching Gil?"

"I don't know, TV really isn't my thing Cath."

"You're just not trying, Lindsey and I can go hours without leaving these sofas. Please, I wanted you to have a relaxing day, try for me."

Of course I will.

"Come sit by me, Gil."

Okay.

I'm not sure what this means, I'm not sure why I have to make it mean something. But Catherine has risen to meet me in my journey towards her.

"You need to loosen up a little, Gil. Here, let me."

And, so help me, she is loosening my shirt sleeves and is fiddling with the buttons by my neck.

"What are you doing?"

I'm amazed I've found my voice.

"You're over dressed, we have a strict dress code in this house for mooching infront of the TV, and you're breaking the rules. You need to be comfortable, relaxed. Okay?"

This time there are no words.

"Good, now come with me."

So she takes my hand and drags me towards the sofa she's been drapped over. She positions me in her normal seat while she moves to the other side.

"You don't need to look so scared, there will be no make over shows, I swear."

"You say that now..."

"No, because the best programme in the world is on in a few minutes."

"Not Sex and the City, have some pity on me. Please."

"No, funny man. Why would I want to watch that with a guy, I have girlfriends for that. No this is better than that, do you remember Moonlighting?"

"Is that a song?"

"No, a great show. You're gonna love it."

Okay, I'll bite.

"So, what's it about?"

"Well it was never really about anything. Bruce Willis was in it when he still had hair, and it was about him and the woman he worked with. It was about them flirting and the audience wondering if they were ever gonna get together. I loved it so much."

"Why?"

"Why wouldn't I? It was funny, and romantic, and it was about unrequieted love."

Ah, my kind of show.

"I can't believe I missed it, Cath."

"Are you making fun of me and my impecable taste again?"

"No, it sounds okay. And anyway I didn't think I had a choice, you're in charge of the remote."

"Just the remote?"

"Catherine..."

"I'm shutting up."

I love this, talking like this with Catherine. I can't tell you how much willpower it takes to drive my car back home after work when every instinct I have pulls me towards Catherine. I should be grateful for what I have now and not mourn for what I cannot have tomorrow.

"So, unrequited love?"

"Yeah, do you want anymore Cheerios?"

That's my Catherine, the cordon bleu chef...

" No, I'm good thanks Cath."

"You're right, food will just distract me from the TV. I love this episode, this is the one where they get together."

"Is that good?"

"Oh, yeah, I wanted them to get together so badly."

Catherine the romantic. Should I tell her I want us to get together too? I mean if it worked Bruce Willis?

"So the unrequited love thing went awa?."

Goodness I'm smooth when I put my mind to it.

"Well it doesn't always work like that."

Tell me about it Catherine.

"So they didn't get together then?"

"Well they did, Gil, but it didn't work out... Don't spoil this for me, I want to wallow in this, want to pretend there can be happy endings for people."

"But this is TV, Cath. We could ..."

I can't believe I just almost said that. What am I doing, who am I kidding?

"We could have a happy ending, I know that Gil. We've just not met the happy ending person yet, I know that, you're right. Now come on, let me watch my show."

So I do. I stay and silently wait for her. I'll still be waiting for her when Catherines' happy ending guy appears, and I'll silenty hate him. How I loathe my passivity, but fear the consequences of my actions. The story of my life.

TBC