"MOM. MOM, UNCLE GIL'S HERE. MOM I'M LEAVING, HAVE A GOOD TIME. Bye Uncle Gil, I'm going to a birthday party with my cousin so I need to go. Bye."

That girl is as much a whirlwind as her mother. Which is a good thing. I can hear Catherine moving around upstairs, no doubt putting the finishing touches to a perfect outfit. She always looks perfect to me, but I know tonight is important to her. More important to Cath than it is to me, which is probably why she is still working on her outfit and I took five minutes to get ready. Truly this is an evening of little consequence. I've been invited along to the university to a benefit dinner, am not sure who it's benefiting. Someone. Probably something of consequence I would imagine. I get invited to these evenings all the time but I rarely go. This time is different because Catherine wanted to go. Catherine wants to get dressed up and drink cheap champagne. She's making me go , forcing me out into the world is how she described it. I don't mind as long as I get to go out into the world with Cath. That's not what I told her though, I moaned and pretended I was not really excited about our venture out into the world. But that is not the truth, I know tonight will be a pleasure. Spending any time with Catherine is a pleasure.

"Sorry Gil. Couldn't decide which shoes to go for, the instruments of torture or the extreme instuments of torture. You look good, Mr Grissom, by the way."

I think that's what Catherine just said, I can't be sure. I tuned out there for a second or two. She looks stunning, which is the only word I can use as the sight of her has momentarily rendered me speechless. But I have to tell her.

"You look stunning Cath." She's wearing a floor length, red sleeveless gown. The neck line is slashed to the waist in an intricate design I'm not sure I understand. Her hair is in the loose curls I love. I think words might be a problem for me tonight. Words which will make any sense.

"Thank you. I can't afford this dress, and it's probably a bit much for tonight, but I went shopping with Linds and she convinced me to buy it."

"I'm glad. I'm sure every man tonight will be glad. You'll stop the show."

"Look, all I want is to get out of this house. I'm not interested in what 'every man' thinks. I just want some fun, can you handle that Grissom?"

"Why else would I be here Cath? We should probably get going if you want to get there before they bring out the sparking wine."

"Okay. You do know you'll be dancing tonight, don't you?"

"I'm ignoring you, Cath. We can argue about it later..."

"No, we can dance later."

And so the evening begins. Flirting with a gorgeous woman, I've certainly known worse times.

"Why are you opening the door for me?"

"It's called being a gentleman Cath."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No. I thought the gesture would fit the evening."

"Sorry. Sorry Gil. Maybe it's just that we've never been out like this before."

"Like what? We go out to eat, go to the movies, all the time."

"Yeah, but we don't get dressed up. I almost feel we are other people tonight."

"Well I'm afraid you're stuck with me Cath."

"For which I am very grateful, Gil. I couldn't wish for a finer escort."

"Really? Surely you'll have more fun if you find someone to dance with. I'm sure many men will be queueing up to whisk you off your feet Cath."

That sounded a little whinney and obvious, which is not like me. But the closer we get to the party, the more I feel like turning the car round. I'm not sure what my reaction to Cath dancing with other men (listen to me, I'm saying 'other men' as if I have a claim on her), will be. So that was my attempt to gauge Caths plans for the night.

"Gil it's been a long time since men queued up to dance with me, it's a nice dress but it doesn't have magical powers."

"I think you underestimate it. You underestimate yourself."

"Really?"

"Really. We're here my dear. So, should we have a code to let me know if you need rescuing at any point tonight."

She's looking at me with unreadable eyes. Suddenly my car is a lot smaller than I thought it was. Or maybe Cath just moved closer to me.

"Why would I need a code? I'm sure I'll be safe with you, I won't be stolen away."

"Cath, you look so beautiful any number of men, men or women actually, will be plotting your seduction."

"You think I look beautiful? That doesn't sound like the Gil Grissom I know and love."

This answer matters, I'm sure now that look in her eyes is telling me this answer matters.

"I always think you look beautiful, Cath. This was simply the first time I said it out loud."

Her silence is confusing, perhaps I've said the wrong thing. Perhaps I've misread where this conversation was going.

"Gil?"

"Yes Cath?"

And as I look into her eyes for the answer I'm a little afraid of hearing, Catherine leans into me and gently brushes her lips against mine. She stays close for a few seconds, our lips not touching but she holds her body close to me for a few delicious moments. Just as suddenly as this began the contact is gone and Cath is back in her seat.

"I always think about doing that Gil. This was simply the first time I let it happen outside of my head."

"Can it happen again?" That did not sound like my voice. At least I had the presence of mind to stop myself adding PLEASE at the end of that sentence.

"I want it to happen again. But do you..."

I'm not sure what Cath was about to tell me, what rationalisation she was perhaps going to give me to stop this happening. But I won't listen. So I close the distance between us, which is a mere arms length anyway, and I kiss her again. But this time is different, this time I am in control. Or rather I am not in control, I am desperate. Desperate to feel this, to taste her, to look down her dress... There is nothing gentle about these kisses, we are gasping for stolen breaths as out tongues tangle deep in Caths' mouth. This is not comfortable, but I can't stop. I must be crushing Cath, but I ignore this as I press my body across the seats, trying to touch as much of Caths' body with mine as I can. But I'm not alone in this, Cath grabs my head and prevents our kisses ending. But they will have to. This is too uncomfortable, too awkward.

"Gil." Cath says my name as an exhaled breath. On hearing my name a little sanity returns and I breathlessly return to my seat.

"Where do you think you are going?" To my enternal relief Cath grabs my hand and kisses my palm. "That was just getting a little unconfortable, and I don't mean this." She leans over and kisses me again, another brief touch of her lips which cannot satisfy the desire she has generated. But she has more to say. "I was thinking there are more comfortable places to do this. And you have a reputation to maintain, Gil. Necking in the parking lot will do nothing to enhance it."

"I don't want to stop, I can't."

"I know. Start this car and let's get out of here."

So I do. And I'm driving home with Catherines' hand on my thigh, and my heart beating in my chest with an intensity I can't remember feeling before.

The car is silent. Both of us are silent. I'm frightened if I speak I will ask Gil to drive me home, that we shouldn't do this and that I'll see him at work tomorrow. But we've crossed a line we've hovered over for years, and I'm glad. I have my hand in Gils thigh to calm its movement, but the pressure I am exerting there is causing Gil to breathe in gasps. The air is thick with anticipation and I'm intoxicated by the aroma. As Gil parks the car by his home I forget to breathe.

"You're sure you want this to happen?"

"I can't remember a time when I didn't want you Catherine."

"Is it the dress?". And it feels good to tease him like this.

"It's you, Catherine. It's always been you. Do you want to go inside?"

"Well, I do need to get out of these shoes..."

So we rush to escape this car and run to Gils' doorway, though Gil is ahead of me as he is not wearing these instruments of extreme torture. But I don't mind this, I've an opportunity to explore. In these shoes I'm almost the same height as Gil, so I've easy access to his neck, as I wrap my arms around him.

"Cath, that will not help us get in here. Stop. Oh, please don't stop."

I can't believe I'm doing that, breaking through the calm facade worn by Gil Grissom. If only I'd known it was this easy, this delicious.

"I can't stop, Gil."

And he's pulling me through the door, and we are lost in a tangle of legs, arms, and tongues. I can't believe this is us, that we are doing this. This is what I'm thinking as Gil closes the door behind us and slams me against the wall with an urgency I share with him. We kick off our shoes , and Gil kicks off his socks which earns him points, but suddenly I'm not level with his lips, so in a movement that drives me crazy Gil pulls me up to him. This is happening too quickly, but my brain is thinking more, more. I want this to be slower, calmer, but I can't wait. And neither can Gil. I know this to be true as his hands drag me closer still, and I undo his trousers and roll them and his boxers down his legs. I pull him free of his jacket and tie and attempt to remove his shirt, but the buttons prove too difficult so I settle for undoing the top two and then give in. This time we will not leave our clothes completely, Gils trousers hang around his ankles as I wrap my legs around his waist and he rips my newly purchased underwear from me and we thrust together. Somewhere I am thinking, I'm too old for this, I want a bed, but these thoughts are banished as I succumb to the sensation of Gils shoulders beneath my fingers as we move against an into each other. I am frantic for him and I've lost control, I bite down on the soft skin of his neck, knowing it will leave a mark and take pleasure in this knowledge. And we are both close now as I bang my head again against a damn picture on his wall, this is too wild.

"Oh, God."

"I know, Cath."

"Know, not in a good way. You're making indentations on my skull against that damn bug picture."

"Sorry. Sorry." And he moves us, slightly, crushing me deeper into him with the pressure of his hands on my back.

"Oh, God."

"Sorry, Cath, I thought I moved us."

"No, this time it's in a good way." And I smile as I chew on his lower lip. My last thought before I give all my thoughts over to the pleasure of the friction of our bodies, is that Gil has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Hardly an original thought, but it's true. I don't tell him this now, however, as conscious thought is leaving me. My words and thoughts come only in short burts now.

"Gil."

"Cath."

We've been reduced to screaming each others names as this frantic dance is nearing its end.

"Please. Please. Gil."

These are the last words that escape my lips as I bury my head in Gils neck as the shudders of my orgasm reverberate through my body. I know Gil will follow me quickly as he cries my name and finds his release.

We remain joined together for a few moments waiting for our breathing to calm, but it's not the most comfortable of positions for pillow talk so I'm pleased when Gil lowers us to the floor. He pulls me to him, and I let a small moan of pain escape my lips as he pulls out of me.

"Cath, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, let me help..."

"Ssshhh." I silence him with a quick kiss. "I'm okay. It's just been a while, and we were kind of frantic there."

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop saying sorry, I'm not. It's a delicious pain, and I'm glad of it."

And we lie in silence for a few moments, goodness knows what this scene must look like. We're half out of our clothes, wrapped around each other in Gils hallway.

"Cath." Gil has his arms around me, pulling me against his body, and I'm encouraging this by pulling him closer to me. " Cath, can I move us? I do have a bed in here. I would like very much to take you there."

"Okay."

"Right. I don't think there's going to be any dignified way of doing this."

"Gil, honey, we've just lost all connections to dignity when we grabbed each other like that."

"Maybe. Okay, let go of me for a few seconds." He softens these words with a soft kiss to my nose. And I watch him as he stands and removes his trousers and boxers all the way. I can't help it, I move towards him again. He takes my hand and pulls me to my feet.

"You look beautiful Cath."

"I don't feel it. I feel..."

"Tell me, Cath."

"I feel like going to bed with you."

And I do. Gil takes me by the hand and leads me to his room. He is gentle now as he helps me out of my dress, I try to help but my hands are trembling again. I feel like a girl again, discovering the effects I could have on someones body and what they can do to me. Gil kisses my shoulders as he eases the straps of my dress down, then when he's worked my dress all the way to the floor, and he's helped me step out of it, he watches. He watches me. His eyes are hungry on me, desperate for me, in a repeat of our bodies actions from before. I can feel the same hunger return to my body, I can feel my control leaving me again.

"Take off your bra for me, Cath."

So I do. Neither of us move. What if we were to move and the spell were to break. But I find my nerve and decide to move this on.

"Can I help you out of your shirt?" PLEASE.

He nods his consent, unable to form the words in his throat. I know how he feels as my hands fumble with the buttons. We maintain eye contact as I remove the last of our clothing. He's glorious. I feel glorious as he strokes my cheek, and whispers my name over and over in my ear. I feel glorious as he kisses me, pressing his naked body against mine for the first time. And I know this time will be different. It will be tender and warm, and I know we will take our time. I know Gil wants this too, as he whispers the words to me now.

"You're beautiful." I tell Gil this as I led him to his bed. I tell him this because it's true. And as I pull him against my body I hope this will be beautiful too.

The bed beside me is warm, but Catherine has gone. I was dreaming about her, dreaming about her hand in mine, and then our hands on each other. I woke from this dream wanting to hold her, to kiss her awake. But she's gone. The bed is warm and I hope she is still here. But why would she leave this bed, I know I never want to. It smells of us. My pillow smells of Catherine, my body smells of Catherine. I like that. I can hear her actually. Hear her moving around in the bathroom. Without me.

"Cath. Can I come in?"

"I'm just out the shower Gil. Give me a minute, okay."

"Okay. I'll put some coffee on."

So I make my way to the kitchen. My kitchen, in my home. But everything is different, Catherine is here with me. But even that is different, Cath is here for me. Now I need to make her stay. I wish I had something more persuasive in my cupboard than coffee.

"I'm gonna get going."

I told her last night she was beautiful, and I meant it, but this morning, I can't tell you... She looks so precious, standing in my kitchen, wet hair on her shoulders, wearing nothing but a towel. My towel. My precious Catherine.

"Morning Cath." I move to kiss her and something freezes in my heart as she moves away. "Catherine?" She won't meet my eyes.

"I need to get home, Gil. Sorry but I should get moving."

"Cath, it's 5.30 am. Slow down. Have some coffee."

"No, I should slip home before the neighbours get up. I'll cause the stir of the year, rolling home in last nights clothes when people are taking their kids to school. I need to go. I'll call you later."

And she slips out from the kitchen, or rather she runs from my kitchen. I've woken from a dream into a nightmare. But I can't let our evening end like this, can't let what happened between us end like this, so I follow her. Follow her through my home, afraid, where a few moments ago I was happy. I follow her to the bedroom, where I think she is trying to find her bra.

"Why are you leaving?"

"I told you, Gil."

"Catherine you're avoiding me. Last night when we made love I looked into your beautiful eyes as you cried out my name, and now you won't even look at me. I don't understand."

"It's nothing. I just need to get home."

But I refuse to accept this.

"Cath, stop for a minute. Sit with me for a minute."

"Gil..."

"No excuses. I'm not letting you go anywhere. Look at yourself, you're hair is soaking wet. Come here."

I move to her and sit her at the end of my bed, positioning myself behind her to dry her hair. Well, to dry her curls and to try and make her stay. So I begin to move the towel through her curls and feel her shudder at my touch. Is that a good sign?

"Why are you running away?"

"I was trying to leave without waking you. I was trying to be sweet."

"You're lying Cath." And I want to have this conversation with her, but I also want to concentrate on my hands. The hands which are in Caths hair, drying her hair. This is what I want. "Tell me Cath." And I leave my place behind her to sit next to her on the bed. "Why are you leaving? I thought we... I thought at least I would wake up to your face next to mine." I kiss her shoulder and she shivers, and unfortunately I don't think it's because of my touch.

"You're cold Cath. Why don't you get in bed? Get out of that wet towel and come lay beside me."

She sighs, but accepts defeat so I stand with her and take the towel from her body. Why won't she meet my eyes? Is she hiding regret? I take her hand and lead her under the covers. I lie with my head on her shoulder, avoiding her eyes. "Talk to me Cath. You don't get to leave this bed until you talk to me."

He's being so sweet, so perfectly sweet, and I'm being all weird.

"Sorry." I kiss his forehead and let my lips rest there for a moment. "I'm sorry Gil." I whisper it this time and pull him closer. His hand rests on my stomach and once again I forget how to breathe. But I owe him an explanation. I kiss his head again, indulging myself in the contact, and prepare myself to admit my fears. We're wrapped up in each other now as Gil rests his head on my chest, as he starts to kiss me, to explore territory he claimed as his a few short hours ago. But we can't go there again.

"Gil, I hate myself for this, but stop. Let me say this. I need to talk to you."

"Anything you say Cath." He keeps his head on my chest but he doesn't move, he's telling me he's listening.

"I was running away, I was trying to get away to avoid having this conversation. I didn't sleep for very long earlier. I was lying here looking at you, thinking how wonderful it was to be in bed with you, looking at you. You had an eyelash on your cheek, and it took all my resolve to keep my hand from tracing the contours of your face. And I got to thinking of you lying here on your own and how so much of your life is spent on your own, and I know it's by choice. I looked in your eyes last night, and I wanted to tell you how beautiful I thought they were, but there is something else about them. Your self possession is mirrored there. Your need for nothing, or no one but your own company." At my words he tightens his hold on me.

"Cath, listen..."

But I refuse to let him speak, I move down on his bed and position myself alongside him. We are face to face, looking into each others eyes.

"Ssshhh. Really it's okay, let me say this." He nods his consent. " I said last night that we were like different people. We were dressed up as other people, and we acted on being those other people. I guess I just wanted it to last a little longer, and not to break the spell. We had a perfect night Gil, and I wanted to avoid the morning clumsiness."

"Why would there be morning clumsiness, Cath?"

"We don't do this Gil, it's not what we do."

"Cath, we did it. And I have to tell you, we were very good at it."

"That was last night, and today..."

"Today I've got you naked in my bed and if you think I'm letting you get away from me, Cath. Well you're not the woman I've always believed you to be."

"I'm afraid. Afraid of this ... Whatever this is. I would have been out of here without you noticing if I hadn't been so weak. I wanted to stand in your shower, to smell your soap on my skin. I'm afraid of that feeling."

He silences me with sweet kisses on my face, on my cheeks, my eyelids, my chin, my nose. He breathes in my scent, with his head buried in my neck.

"I like how you smell wearing my soap, Cath. But I'm afraid too, afraid that this beautiful women with me thinks that I want to be on my own, that I was someone other than who I am, last night. I want to find out what this is gonna be, Cath. Why can't we be afraid together?"

And I can't argue with this. Not now. So I move into his embrace again and cuddle against him, surrendering to the moment and leaving our fears till we leave this bed.