IF I TOLD YOU A SECRET
YOU WON'T TELL A SOUL
WILL YOU HOLD IT AND KEEP IT ALIVE
CAUSE IT'S BURNING A HOLE
AND I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP
AND I CAN'T LIVE ALONE IN THIS LIE

I'm watching her again. I always seem to watch her these days. I can't quite put my finger on when it started, but it is how we find ourselves now. So I watch. And I don't even think she notices, which is funny, she usually notices everything. Maybe I wouldn't feel like this if I had lost the ability to notice her, but I know that will never happen. Ever.

So I'm watching her again, watching as she makes her way to the locker room to change her clothes and get ready for him. She looks beautiful now, I don't know why she thinks she need change anything about herself to look good for him. For Ben. I can't say his name without having to swallow the urge to commit violence, to punch something. Anything. But so far I've managed to bite it down, but I know it's making me ill. All of this watching, I know that's making me ill too.

So that's why I need to talk to her. I haven't decided on the actual words yet, but I know there are words I need to let pass my lips. Catherine might not want to hear them, but I can't bear this anymore. I can't keep retreating to my office, to my work, and hoping it will pass. It never has, never will. I love her. I can't believe I've spent so long hoping that fact would pass, that love should be something to get over.

So I'll disturb her, now, disturb the life she has built for herself. And I'll hope she won't hate me for it, if I were stronger I would carry on as I am. I should eat my heart, and watch her being happy with him. But I am weak, and whatever her reaction to my words, I have to make her listen.

She is beautiful in the morning, even after working all these hours. I almost told her that, almost made that foolish mistake. But she has that affect on me, always has. So I've waited this long, I should be able to manage a few more moments.

"Cath."

"Grissom, are you trying to give me a heart attack. What's with the sneaking around, are you hiding from Greg again? That's so sad, Gil."

I don't know how I'm going to manage this, she is too perfect, too precious. And as frightened I am to think and feel these things, I can't begin to gauge her reaction. So I'll play my usual role for now.

"Greg's gone home for the day, so I'm safe. I was actually looking for you."

"Really, what have I done wrong this time?"

Is that really what I am to her, the guy that comes looking for a fight. The boss to hide from.

"Nothing, Cath. Why would you think that, I thought we were okay?"

"Yeah, calm down there Mr Grissom. That was just a sample of my signature wit, sorry, it's been a long night. Did you need me for something?"

I need you for everything Catherine.

"Yeah. Sorry, am I holding you back, do you have a date with Ben?"

"Not this morning no, but I would kinda like to get going. I want to kiss my daughter before she goes to school."

"Sorry, of course. I'll let you go, Cath."

Maybe this is for the best, and watching her is better than not being in her presence at all.

"Didn't you want something, Gil? You know, when you came sneaking up on me a few minutes ago."

"I did, but it's not important. Say hi to Lindsey for me."

"Grissom, are you okay? Seriously, what do you need?"

"Nothing, I was just going to ask you to breakfast. It's been a while..."

And I catch her eye as I say these words, hoping she'll understand. Hoping she knows how much I've missed the little moments we used to share together. The chance for us to be alone is so rare these days, and I realise I might live with this if she affords me the luxury of her time, every now and then.

"I'd love to. Why don't you come home with me, Linds would love to see you. And then I'll make us some breakfast and we can catch up. Or not, it's your call."

"You can cook all of a sudden?"

I need to keep this light, need to not scare her away yet.

"Grissom, putting bagels in a toaster IS cooking, your standards are simply a little higher than mine."

"Okay. So I should just follow you home?" Or anywhere else you want me to go...

"Yeah. Thanks for asking, Grissom. It'll be nice to see you away from this place, you're right, it's been too long."

And she smiles at me again, and I know I will not be satisfied with her mere presence. I need to have this conversation with her today, I can't bide my time any longer. But I know that makes me a selfish man, I am not thinking of Catherine anymore. I am not thinking of her response, only of what I want. And as I drive up to her home, I think once again how lucky I am to have this woman in my life. And I think of how I might lose her soon, her respect, and her friendship. But I'll push those thoughts down, as I try and formulate the ones to win her heart.

I love coming to this house, I'd forgotten how much. This house where Catherine and Lindsey live is so different from the building I live in. This is a home. A warm, loving, home. I love the smell when you walk in the door. It's a mixture of Caths' perfume, coffee, and the brand of detergent she uses. I know it's a weird thing to get happy about, but it's the smell of Caths' home. It's the smell of warmth.

"Gil, are you smelling my hallway?"

"No. You have coffee somewhere in this house, and my tired body could use some."

"Right. I'll be back, I have a hungry daughter to feed."

And with that I am given a glimpse of Catherine that makes me love her all the more. I get to see her be a mom to her beloved daughter, and I am smitten and heart sick all at the same time. It's wonderful to see this little family, but then that makes me feel like an outsider again. I'm sure Ben gets to see this scene all the time, he gets to be part of this family. And I need to know if I could ever be considered in those terms. Right or wrong, I need to know.

Part of me wants to go home, I need to sleep. And I'm sure Cath does too, but now that Linds has gone to school I want us to get these words, that so torment me, out into the open. And truth be told, I just want to spend some time with Catherine.

"So, Gil, what can I get you?"

"I'm fine, some more coffee would be good though."

"Sure. Sorry about the tornado that was Lindsey Willows, she was pleased to see you. It's hard sometimes you know, I am at my most exhausted when my daughter is most ready for fun. Makes me feel a little useless sometimes."

"You shouldn't, she was happy because of you. That should only make you feel proud, she's a delight."

"Not always, but thank you. She was trying to impress you by talking about her school work, you know. She loves you."

And I'm speechless. It's too much. Hopefully my grin tells Catherine how much that means.

"Cath?"

"Gil, you're smiling, is something wrong?"

"You're funny, you know."

"I do. You should tell people though, I seem to be the only one that truly gets how funny I really am."

"I'm sure."

"So why are you here, Gil? Are you okay? We've chatted more today than we have in months, is something wrong that you need to tell me about? You're not sick again?"

"No. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry. I need to talk to you, that's all."

"So talk. Come on, it's just us."

"Aren't you expecting Ben?"

"No. That's the second time you've mentioned him this morning, we're not married you know. We're just dating."

"It's more than that, though, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you mean?"

"Lindsey knows about him."

"She does, she knows we're friends. But then she knows you and I are friends."

"It's hardly the same thing Catherine."

And I forgot myself for a few minutes, I let the bitterness creep it's way into my tone. And I've changed it, the atmosphere in the room, the mood of our conversation.

"What's wrong Gil, you're scaring me a little."

And her voice is so soft, so tender, and full of concern that I can't help it, and I won't.

"I love you Catherine."

SO LOOK UP
TAKE IT AWAY
DON'T LOOK DA DA DA DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
IF THE WORLD ISN'T TURNING
YOUR HEART WON'T RETURN ANYONE, ANYTHING, ANYWHERE