WELL IT'S GETTING LATE, NOW BABY
I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING HOME
IF IT FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN HERE TOO LONG
MUST BE TIME FOR ME TO GO

He's late. Very late. And I know I should have expected it, this is Gil Grissom we're talking about after all, but I thought he might have made the effort. You know, for me.

And that was mean, what I just said about Gil and him not making an effort. I know he will come, I know he will, but tonight is difficult and my boss has spent years trying to avoid difficult situations. I just realised that I called Gil my boss, but that is history now. I don't work here anymore, and I don't work with Gil Grissom. I can't believe it, I never thought I would leave Vegas. I never thought I would leave Gil.

But I have left and I am leaving. I wish it didn't make me so sad. I should be enjoying tonight, taking comfort in this enthusiastic farewell from my friends and co- workers. Ex co- workers. I don't work here anymore, and in a few weeks I won't live here anymore... And like I said before, I wish it didn't make me so sad.

So I should I focus on the happy, the here and now. The guys have worked some sort of magic and are all here, I don't know who is running the lab tonight - or doing any of the work actually - and I don't care. It is enough that they are all here. Well, all of them except Gil. But he is coming, I hope so anyway.

Okay I need to stop with this wallowing and go enjoy the party... And I will in a minute, I know the part I still play in this little family, but for a while I need to acknowledge how unhappy I am... I need to accept all that I am letting go. Finally.

Maybe its the wine that's making me so emotional, or maybe it's that I am watching the door with equal parts anticipation and dread. I want Gil to be here so I can see, talk to him, maybe even laugh a little... And I dread his arrival because it will be an ending. This will be the last time I ever see him, and that knowledge weighs me down with a sadness that overwhelms me. I can't cry here, though, because they would all know why. Well, everyone would recognise why I was crying, everyone apart from the reason for my tears.

And you know what, I should shut up, drink some more and dance some more with Greg. Gil is not the reason for my tears, I am. My relationship with Gil didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, and for that I should take full responsibility. I've never been afraid of going after what I want, never hesitated in my relationships; except one. The important one. The one that never was, and never will be. The one I wanted the most.

No wonder I am sitting by myself at my own leaving party, I should be smiling more and brooding less. Everyone seems to be having a good time, and avoiding the party pooper. And I can't leave this town with them thinking... Well, I can't leave this town with them thinking I have regrets. I need to keep them to myself.

"Catherine..."

Can't a woman brood in silence for a few minutes?

"Hi, Greg. What now, are there more presents?"

"No. Maybe, I don't know. They don't tell me about stuff like that incase I spoil surprises or something... Apparently it's a new lab rule."

I'm going to miss this place so much. I'm going to miss them all, not just Gil; I'm going to miss everyone.

"Okay, so you have no presents, does that mean you want to dance?"

"No. NO. I have something better than presents."

Gil.

"Okay?"

"Tequila."

It's going to be a long night.

"So are you coming?"

"Where, Greg?"

"To join us, we're going to drink tequila until we've forgotten our own names."

"Okay, well that sounds like..."

"Fun?"

"No, honey, kind of sad."

"Catherine, we are sad. You're going, why would we celebrate that?"

And suddenly I have tears in my eyes again, and maybe I won't make it through tonight without breaking down. I grab Greg and hold him to me as if it were for the last time. And it probably is. What kind of state am I going to be in after tequila, I am depressed enough now. I hold Greg a little tighter and hope my touch tells him how much he means to me. How much I love him.

"Catherine?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I think I just drooled on you, I think I might be a little bit drunk."

You know I love him, but he makes me nuts.

"That's okay Greg, I'll treasure it always."

"I've ruined your dress."

"Don't worry, it's only a dress..."

"It not only a dress, you look amazing..."

As he said the words I think he realised what he was saying, and the cutest little blush took over his features.

"Okay, Greg, enough of the mushy stuff. Who's involved in this tequila session?"

"All of us, you know; your guys. Me, Nick, Warrick, Sara, Brass, Grissom..."

What?

"What?"

"All of us."

"Grissom is here?"

And of course he is here, I can feel it. I know he is behind me now, making his way over to the two of us, and I don't need to turn to confirm this knowledge by sight. He came.

"Yes, Catherine, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, I got held up. I worked a double to get tonight off, then felt guilty leaving so I stayed a little longer. Anyway, sorry I'm late."

That's okay. You're here. You're here. That's what I want to say. I want to say those words and then just grab him and never let him go. Instead I smile and try to regain control of my voice.

"Guys, come on, we've got tequila to drink."

"Greg, maybe Catherine doesn't want to spend her last night with us drinking ...."

"No, I do. Let's go get drunk."

Greg moves away, anxious to start our session. I can't seem to persuade my legs to move, get a hold of yourself Catherine, it's just a few more hours and then you can go home and cry as much as you want.

"Can I talk to you for a few minutes before I lose the power of speech, Cath?"

No. Say no. Come on, you need to stay with people who will lessen the odds on there being tears. No.

"Okay."

Crap.

HOW CAN WE BE HERE TOGETHER
AND STILL BE SO ALONE
IF YOU DON'T FEEL THE WAY I DO BY NOW
MUST BE TIME FOR ME TO GO

"You're late, Gil. We're all about 4 drinks infront of you."

"Okay."

"So is work okay, are they managing with most of us out of the lab?"

"Yeah."

"Can I get you something to eat? Are hungry?"

What are you saying Catherine, you're not his mom. But I worry, you know; who's going to make him eat even something close to right when I'm gone. Sara, I suppose, and I'm going to stay away from that thought.

"I'm okay."

He's okay. Which is good, but I thought he wanted to talk? He's said a total of 4 words since he asked to talk... Actually that's not bad going for Grissom.

"Gil, are you okay?"

See I didn't want to do that. He just looked at me like I asked him if he thought nuclear war was a good idea. I think he's going to cry, and I think I am too. I can't do this, I can't. And tonight is supposed to be about me, you know. It supposed to be my chance to say goodbye to people who have been really good friends to me. What I mean is, Gil has been here a couple of minutes and already I am asking if he is okay - I need to be more selfish around him. I need to stop wanting him to touch me. Please don't cry, Catherine. Please, you're better than this. Stronger. I'll be okay as long as Gil is not sweet to me...

"You're leaving me, Cath."

Did you not hear me, God? I told you I could get through this as long as he's not sweet. He looks like he's about to cry and I think I might be already.

"You're leaving me in a lot of trouble at work, Cath."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"That I'm leaving you in trouble..."

"You could have picked a better time to leave."

"Well, Gil, I'm leaving now. Deal with it."

That man makes me so mad. I thought he was telling me that I was important to him, I thought he was admitting that we are important to each other. But no, he is as he always has been. He's Gil Grissom. And I love him for it, but I recognise I have made the right decision in leaving. I told Gil I was leaving because I was sick of this 'shell' of a life I have, and I meant that. I am heading to New York, and I'm going to make it work there. For Lindsey. And for me.

I'm trying to move away from him, but he blocks my path.

"Gil, I think we've exhaused this conversation, don't you. I am going, and I can't apologise for that anymore. Okay? Let me get through tonight without making me feel bad about that, let me say goodbye to everyone. Okay?"

And I am crying now, and I hate myself for it. I may as well be telling him I love him.

I wonder why I never have?

"Catherine, I'm sorry. Really, don't worry about the lab..."

I swear I could hit him, I really could. But then I'm so pathetic, if I hit him then I'd want to soothe him and that would lead to, well it would lead me somewhere I don't want to go. So I breathe, and focus, and pretend. It's what I do.

"I don't want to argue with you tonight, Gil. Okay? Let's end this without a fight."

YOU KNOW I DON'T REALLY WANT TO LEAVE
BABY THERE'S NO PLACE I'D RATHER BE
I'M HOLDING ON, BUT IM AFRAID THAT
I'M RUNNING OUT OF REASONS TO STAY

He looks like he's about to cry again, this is horrible; so much worse than I thought it was going to be. And we're not even on the same page, you know? Gil is losing me, and he is worried about the lab, about the job and how they will manage until they have broken in my replacement. I am broken because I have given up. Because I am leaving. And the distance between us now is as vast as it will be when I live in New York.

"Catherine..."

He's holding my hand now. Please don't hold my hand. Please? I want him to hold my hand. See, it's thoughts like that which mean I have to leave.

"Sorry, tonight is just... You know? I might cry a bit tonight, please ignore it."

"How can I do that, Catherine? I don't want you to be sad, and I don't want you to..."

And I tried really hard to hear what he was saying, I mean I was concentrating on his lips; but I lost my train of thought when he pulled me into the tightest hug we've ever shared. What did he say? Did Gil just say that he doesn't want me to go? Please have said that Gil, because I would hate myself a little for it - but I would stay if you told me those words. Do you want me to stay?

"Come on Grissom, put the woman down. We all want her you know, you have to share Catherine tonight."

And with that - and I swear I don't even recognise the person who is dragging me out of Gils' arms - I am pulled across the bar to a crowd of people who I hardly know. I really just want to go home now, I want to go home.

I want Gil to hold me like that again. I want him to press his face against my neck, and breathe me in. I am sure that is what he was doing just now.

I'm sure.

Or maybe that's what I want to be true. Maybe he was just hugging me goodbye. It seems to be the thing to do tonight, I am the woman everyone wants to hug. Which is fine, and I can deal with that, because it makes me think a little less about the man on the other side of the bar. And it's easy to be here now, because none of this means anything. Not really, not in my heart. Gil, and Sara, and Warrick and all the others who mean so much to me are all together getting noisely wasted over in our corner of the bar while I am being paraded around. I haven't felt this much on display since my years as a dancer. I thought a big party like this would be fun, but not for the first time I was wrong. All of these people are keeping me away from those I want to be close to tonight. Story of my life.

At least I can drift as I talk to them, only half concentrating on what they are saying to me. I think of my life here and what it has become and I think of all that waits for me, for Lindsey and I , in New York. I know I've made that right decision. I know it. Now I just need to survive tonight, and the rest of these goodbyes.

"Can I borrow this woman for a minute please?"

Thank God. Jim Brass, my knight in shining armour; well he's my knight in a cheap suit, but who's keeping score.

"Hey, Cath you looked as if you had zoned out there. You okay?"

"Thanks for rescuing me, Jim. I can only listen to so many stories of the 'old days' without wanting to run, you know?"

"Indeed. How you holding up?"

"I'm okay."

"Right."

"Really. Come on Jim, this is how it is. Don't be mad at me anymore. Okay?"

"I think you're making a mistake, Catherine."

"I know that, we've had this conversation too many times already. I'm going honey, live with it."

"And will you?"

"Will I what?"

"Be able to live with it? Do you think you'll be able to live without him, Catherine?"

"I don't want to talk about this, not now."

"Well, we're running out of time to have this conversation honey. You know he won't say anything, look at him over there."

Jim and I are standing at the bar now while we chit chat, he seems to have positioned me directly infront of the tequila session. Why does Jim have to know me so well? It's something I love and hate him for in equal measure.

"They're having a good time, Jim. It never happens that we're all off at the same time, let them have a good time with over analysing it. Okay."

"I just call it as I see it, honey. When have you ever known Gil to hit the booze like this?"

"He's entitled to cut loose sometimes, let him be."

"It looks to me like he is some sort of drinking competition with Greg, does that seem like normal to you?"

"Of course not, but he's a grown man, he can't do whatever he wants."

"No he can't Catherine, don't you see that? He can't do whatever he wants, cause if he could he would be at home with you, wearing very little clothes."

"JIM."

"What? You know what I mean, he loves you. You know that, honey. What don't you tell him that you love him too."

"I don't want to talk about this Jim."

"Work with me here Cath, I'm trying to spread a little happiness. You love the guy, and he loves you - and I don't get why this is complicated."

"Because it is. Because I've never said it, and I'm almost certain he doesn't feel it. Because I can't wait any longer, it's destroying me Jim. Because this city has too many bad memories of men I've let control me - I'm leaving Eddie behind, and Sam, and the nameless strangers... Because I can't let what I feel for Gil control my life anymore, I can't. Because I need to start again, I need to be somewhere where I don't feel sad all the time. Because it's complicated Jim, because it just is."

"You love him."

"Yes."

"Then you should stay, and you should tell him."

"No, it's time to go. I don't want to be in Vegas anymore, I want a normal life. I want this promotion, and I want to work the day shift. I want all of that more than I want to stay here and pine over someone. Okay?"

"No, it's not Catherine. Come on honey, stay."

"No, it's time. I am leaving, but I am sorry."

I really am sorry. And I'm crying again as I hug Jim goodbye. At least these are honest tears, they are tears for my friend Jim Brass and they speak of how much I will miss him.

"I'm gonna go now, Jim."

"No."

"I think I might have mentioned that it's time to go. I need to do it before I lose my nerve and I cry anymore. Can you get me a cab?"

"Okay, but you need to go and talk to them, you can't just sneak out of here."

I know, don't you think if I could I would have done that by now.

"Guys?"

And they don't hear me the first time, they really have been drinking too much. Part of me wants to stay so that I can make sure they all make it home okay. But I can't do that, not anymore.

"Guys?"

"Catherine, come drink with us and celebrate you..."

"Well that's a lovely thought Greg, but I have to go home."

"NO"

I think everyone at the table screamed that, nice to be loved. Do you hear me, Gil, it's nice to be loved.

"I have to, I have an early start tomorrow. I have to start getting my body used to day shifts, so I really need to go. Okay? Please don't ask me to stay again, because..."

And I'm really crying now, sobbing and losing all the cool points I used to have.

"Look, get over here and hug me and then I'll let you get back to ruining your brain cells with all that alcohol. Come on, I need a proper goodbye."

So they all do as I ask, one last time. They all come to say goodbye.

Sara is first, at first I thought she was leaning on me just so she could stand up, but it was a hug. It was affection, and I'm crying like a fool.

"Take care of yourself, Catherine. "

"You too sweetheart, you know where I am if you ever need anything."

And I mean it. I mean it for all of them.

I can't talk about all of this, it's too hard. How do I say goodbye to them all - it hurts too much and I don't want to do it. So I can't tell you what happened, but I have done it. I've ended what we had. I've clung to all of them and promised that I would stay in touch and that I love them, my boys. I have done this to all of them except the one I fear the most, the one who is struggling to stand.

How can I say goodbye to Gil.

The same way you said goodbye to all of them, Catherine. Just do it.

"Take care of them, Gil. Take good care of them, and let them take care of you too. They love you, you know - and you have to let them. Take care of yourself. I love you."

And I hold him to me as if he were last man in the world, I hold him and I cry. And you know what? He does nothing. He doesn't cry, he doesn't try and hold me back, and he doesn't say a damn word.

I'm already gone.

WELL IT'S GETTING LATE, NOW BABY
AND THE WIND IS BLOWING COLD
AND IF THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR US TO SAY
MUST BE TIME FOR ME TO GO.