ALL I KNOW
IS EVERYTHING IS NOT AS IT'S SOLD
BUT THE MORE I GROW THE LESS I KNOW
AND I HAVE LIVED SO MANY LIVES
THOUGH I'M NOT OLD
AND THE MORE I SEE, THE LESS I GROW
THE FEWER THE SEEDS THE MORE I SOW

I've been dreading this morning. Isn't that funny? I've been dreading meeting the man I am in love with. That doesn't bode well, does it? This is the meeting, the date I suppose, which I know will change the course of my life, or what remains of it. We have been circling around each other for the last few weeks, frightened to touch, frightened to say the wrong thing. And I know today it will be my job to say the wrong thing, Gil just does not have the heart for it. Truth be told, I don't either, but I will. For him.

Always for him.

But after this morning, that will be no more. We will be no more.

So you can understand my hesitation. And maybe even a little of my heart ache. But you won't feel it, the heart ache I mean. That will be reserved for me and Gil, it will be out private torture. It will be last thing we will share as a couple. I'm not sure if that could be defined as the Gods little irony, or just really shitty luck. Either way, we lose.

I lose. I lose him. The 'us' that we have become, or were trying to become. And that is why I don't want to leave my car and go meet him for breakfast. Because it will be the ending we have been avoiding, the ending we need, but that will hurt us. But when I am at my most sensible I know that avoiding this conversation, avoiding the hard words I need to say, will only make our agony all the more difficult to bear. So I will plough head first into the agony, and hope that we will still have each on the other side.

I need so much to have him in my life, even if we will only ever be friends. The life that we have been allowed seems to dictate that we should only ever be friends.

THEN I SEE YOU STANDING THERE
WANTING MORE FROM ME
AND ALL I CAN DO IS TRY
THEN I SEE YOU STANDING THERE
WANTING MORE FROM ME
AND ALL I CAN DO IS TRY

And he waits for me, as he has done for so many years, he waits with infinite patience. I love him for that, I love him for many reasons, but his patience and his determination that I was worth the wait... Well it was intoxicating. As he still is, I just need to develop a more refined immune system.

He has seen me, and the look in his eyes makes me want to run again. He knows, we both do. He knows that today will be the end. Not of everything, but of the dream we thought we could live. And when I see him now, and he looks like he does, I don't want it to end. I want to run to him and hold him to me so that I can forget that we are two seperate people. We would be two halves of the same whole, and we would be unbreakable.

But we are about to break apart, so I know that fantasy is only in my head. But when he smiles at me like that, well he still has the power to make me believe I am the only woman in the world. Or the only woman in the world he has any interest in.

I think I will always like to believe I am the only woman in the world he has any interest in. However damaging to me that deluded belief may be.

"Hey, Cath. I was trying to work up some irration at you for being late, and then you walk in looking like you do. I missed you last night, Cath."

His words always make me smile, and do a little something to my ego. And I could happily sink into them, sink into him and his strong arms which have kept me calm and safe for as long as I can remember. And the knowledge that I am about to let that go is enough to make me weep. Well I know I can not do that here, I will not make a fool of myself in this most public of places. It is one of the reasons we are doing this here, I am sure of it. I will do my weeping in private, and they will be real tears, mourning a very real loss.

But I will focus on that later, just now we will say our farewell with as much dignity as we can muster. So I kiss him hello for what may be the last time, I'm sure all our remaining kisses will be saying goodbye.

And so we sit. And for a few moments that is enough. I've always loved to look at his face, and today he seems even more bewitching than usual. My hand reaches out to trace his cheek, commiting the feel of his skin to memory once more. And I take pleasure in the sensation of his skin underneath my fingers, but more pleasure in the smile that my touch brings to his lips.

"I missed you last night Catherine."

"You mentioned that, Gil."

"Yeah."

"I'm sure you guys managed to survive one shift without me."

And we make eye contact at my words again, both knowing the tension of the truth behind my abscence. Or my future abscence.

"Will it just be one shift, Cath?"

"I thought I might have coffee before we had this conversation. Can I have coffee?"

"I want to have this conversation, Cath."

Okay. Remember to breathe, remember that this is for the best.

"I took the job."

There, all it really took to end it was those four words. And I was worrying I wouldn't be able to manage it.

"Just like that."

"Yeah, Gil, just like that. I haven't lost any sleep over it, and it was one of the easiest decisions of my life. Is that what you want to hear?"

"I wanted to hear that you were staying, you know that."

"Yeah, well I wanted to hear that you wanted to leave... Never mind, let's not fight okay?"

"I'm sorry. But you're leaving, you're leaving me."

And that's true, his words are true, but they are not the whole truth. And he knows it, so I don't want to push. He knows I want for him to grab me and say that he is coming with me, and that we will be okay. That we can be together. But that is the romance novel ending, this is real life.

"It's a really good offer Gil, and one that Lindsey and I need. It will give us a future."

"And there is not one here with me in Vegas?"

"Not one that I can depend on."

And my words wound, and they are designed to. Perhaps I am not as okay with this whole ending as I thought I was going to be.

I WISH I HADN'T SEEN ALL THE REALNESS
AND ALL THE REAL PEOPLE ARE REALLY NOT REAL AT ALL
THE MORE I LEARN THE MORE I CRY
AND AS I SAY GOODBYE TO A WAY OF LIFE
I THOUGHT I HAD DESIGNED FOR ME

"You think I care more for my work than I do for you. Don't you?"

And I consider this for a moment, wondering if that is the truth, because these thoughts have wandered around in my brain recently. And my words to Gil now are considered, carefully considered. I don't want to make this any more difficult remember? But I don't remember who this was going to be more difficult on.

"I think you care for me as much as you care for your work. And I know I am selfish, I need to be with someone who would always put me first. I can't help that."

"You think I've been neglecting you, Catherine."

"That's not what I said, Gil. I know you love me, and I think we have made each other happy. I thought we would always make each other happy, but we both know that is not true. Being you makes you happy."

"Are you trying to hurt me Cath?"

And there is a tremble in his voice which makes me curse my mouth, and my need to get all these thoughts and emotions out of my head. So I retrace my earlier pattern on his cheek, then kiss him gently on his sweet face. I never wanted to hurt him, I only ever wanted to love him. That sounds good in my head, but that is where the words will stay. Forever.

"I like that you are you. You do wonderful work, you are creating a legacy Gil. I know your life is here, I know your work is your life. It's one of the things I love about you. But I have to find my own place, I have to make my own way."

"Stay."

"I can't."

"I don't care, just stay."

"Have you changed your mind about the future, do you know where you want us to be in six months Gil."

"Why do we always have to come back to that? I want to be with you, why do we need to make plans? Couldn't we just be together? I've lived alone all my life, I'm selfish. Give me time to change, I just need time."

"And that's the one thing I can't give you."

THEN I SEE YOU STANDING THERE
WANTING MORE FROM ME
AND ALL I CAN DO IS CRY
THEN I SEE YOU STANDING THERE
I'M ALL I'LL EVER BE
AND ALL I CAN DO IS TRY
TRY

I'm not sure how long we've been sitting in silence, it's comfortable. It's sad. A few months ago we would have been out of here already and be in bed, not sleeping. We've done a lot of not sleeping. I guess that part of us will be over soon. But holding his hand here feels nice, it feels natural.

"When will you leave Cath?"

"I have quite a few weeks in Vegas yet. I want Lindsey to finish the rest of her school year here, and I don't want to leave you in trouble at work."

"I will be in trouble because you are not there."

"Don't say things like that. Don't."

"So I'm not allowed to ask you to stay, and I'm not allowed to say that I'll miss you. That I'll be lost without you, I will you know Cath. I don't remember how to be without you."

"You'll remember. You're a smart man, Gil. Let's try and do this right, let's try and stay friends. Let's try and remember who we hoped we would be to each other, even though we've messed that up."

"It's not too late to fix it. I'll try and be who you want me to be, I'll try and be better at this. I love you."

"I know, I love you too. I don't want to change, you are just perfect the way you are. I fell in love with you the way you are, it just means that we won't work out. But we had a good time, time I would not change for all the world. I wouldn't change you for all the world Gil."

"But if I change I get to have you. I want you."

I've never heard him like this, this upset. This raw. Trust me to bring this out in him now. I wanted this to be less messy than it is now.

"Gil, we knew this was coming, we've talked around it already. I need you to focus, I need for us both to do this. Together. You're not allowed to be all sweet, and sexy, and be making it too difficult to resist you."

"You can't resist me?"

"That's not what I said, funny man. I have a certain weakness for you when you sweet talk me like that. That's all."

"Okay."

And we lapse into silence again. We sit and we look at each other, remembering each other and how we looked when we were in love. It's these moments I will remember when I miss him the most. Which I am assuming will be every hour, and then after a long time that might ease to every day. I hope he will feel the same.

ALL OF THE MOMENTS THAT ALREADY PASSED
WE'LL TRY TO GO BACK AND MAKE THEM LAST
ALL OF THE THINGS WE WANT EACH OTHER TO BE
WE NEVER WILL BE, WE NEVER WILL BE
AND THAT'S WONDERFUL, AND THAT'S LIFE
AND THAT'S YOU BABY
THIS IS ME BABY

And we really should take this out of here as he's kissing me on that secret place on my neck that only he has found, the spot to make me tingle. I found a man who makes me tingle, and I'm giving him away.

"We're in public, Gil."

"Well ask them to leave."

I love him the most when he is like this, when he is fun. When he's having fun. And when I look back on this part of our lives I'll remember that we had fun together. I'll remember the long afternoons we spent in bed, the lazy nights we spent at home, laughing and watching movies. I'll remember the drives he took Lindsey and me on, the little nature trails he made up for my daughter. I'll remember the smell of his skin in the morning, and the feeling of his beard, rough against my cheek. I'll remember all the good stuff, the stuff I'll want to remember. Maybe it's all been good stuff, but that is what will sting so much now. But it will bring me warmth later. I know it will.

I want him to be all that he is, but also to be different. And he wants me to be all that I am, but also to be different. So that's why I know I am right to go. But it's not surrender, and I'm not running. Gil will know where I am, he will visit me I hope. And I will come back sometimes, how could I not. But we need to be different to each other, and we will be. Soon.

Soon we will be able to talk on the phone, and be friends, and the ache will be gone. The regret will be gone. We will be as we once were. I hope.

For now, though, we are heading home to Gils'. Heading home to not sleep, to commit each other to memory one more time.

AND WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE
FREE
IN OUR LOVE
WE ARE FREE IN OUR LOVE

THE END

Okay I called this what I did not because I assume folk will want me to write more! Just because whenever I write a semi sad one and I get a review that says write more, I do! And this time I wanted to keep it to one part only.