SOMETIMES I WONDER WHERE IT IS LOVE GOES
I DON'T KNOW IF EVEN HEAVEN KNOWS
BUT I KNOW YOU HAD SOME DREAMS THAT DIDN'T QUITE COME TRUE
AND NOW I'M NOT THE ONE, LITTLE GIRL, WHO'S KEEPING YOU
I WAS EITHER STANDING IN YOUR SHADOW OR BLOCKING YOUR LIGHT
THOUGH I KEPT ON TRYING I COULD NOT MAKE IT RIGHT
FOR YOU GIRL
THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH LOVE IN THE WORLD

She's leaving me.

I say it out loud every day since Catherine told me of her plans, to try and make it seem real - to try and make it more bearable.

She's leaving me.

And, you know, that is not quite true - why would she be leaving me? There is nothing of me to leave, Catherine is leaving Vegas... She is leaving a city, not a person; not me.

She's leaving me.

It doesn't make it any better, the words stick in my throat as I try and release them; and the nausea I have endured since Catherine made her announcement, remains a constant.

She's leaving me.

I'm trying to pluck up the nerve to escape my office and join the rest of the team at Caths' leaving party, I've been trying for the last hour with no success. I have to move soon or I know I will not go, but my absence will be noticed and I don't want to ruin Cath's night. I want her to stay, but I don't want to ruin her night. There must be logic in there somewhere.

She's leaving me.

I can't believe it, I can't. It shows what can happen to your life when you take things forgranted, or rather when you take people forgranted. Friends... People you love... Catherine. I can't believe it.

She's leaving me.

I know why she is leaving, because we have discussed it many times - God help me I may even have encouraged her to go. Sometimes I say things and I don't mean to, and sometimes I say things in my office when I am sure no one else will be able to hear it.

She's leaving me.

Catherine had an offer of a job in New York. A great job, a promotion, and I suppose the chance to start a new and better life away from Vegas. She is taking that chance. I have always been jealous of her ability to lead her life without fear. I will always be jealous of the life she will lead now in New York, and jealous of the man she will end up living it with. And there will be a man, of course, of that I am certain. Catherine wants a whole life, not the shell of a life that remains for her in Vegas. These are not my words, I quote them directly from Catherine - she is choosing to leave her 'shell of a life'. Funny, I've never viewed our time together in those terms. I thought what she had here was enough. But I accept that it never has been for Catherine, I know she has more miles to travel to find the love and contentment she craves.

She's leaving me.

Those words still burn as they leave my throat, repetition is not making it any easier. But none of this is easy, if it was I would not be hiding in my office afraid of breaking down infront of Catherine and my team. If those words did not burn, I would be someone other than I am. I would not be the man who is in love with Catherine, and I would not be a man regretting his complete lack of fight. Which is what I hate myself for the most, the realisation that Catherine was worth fighting for came to me too late. I should have given her reasons to stay years ago, not waited until I was threatened by her absence from my life.

She's leaving me.

I KNOW PEOPLE HURT YOU SO BAD
THEY DON'T KNOW THE DAMAGE THEY CAN DO, AND IT MAKES ME SO SAD
HOW WE KNOCK EACH OTHER DOWN JUST LIKE CHILDREN ON A PLAYGROUND
EVEN AFTER THAT OL' SUN WENT DOWN
I WAS EITHER STANDING IN YOUR SHADOW OR BLOCKING YOUR LIGHT
THOUGH I KEPT ON TRYING I COULD NOT MAKE IT RIGHT
FOR YOU GIRL
THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH LOVE IN THE WORLD

Okay, this is getting to be ridiculous, am I going to live the rest of my life in this office? Maybe, it could be one of the perks of being the boss... And what a poor excuse for a boss I am, I could not even keep that which is most precious to me in the same city. Maybe one of the ways of achieving that would have been to admit my weakness for Catherine, but I thought she always knew. How could she not? Why would she need to go elsewhere for love and support when she has all she could wish for in Vegas... If she looked very, very closely.

She's leaving me.

Those words are so ugly, scaring the silence in my office. Her absence will leave a wound this office will take a long time to recover from, and I can't even begin to imagine how I will cope without her here. Too late for thoughts like these now, although it is so typical of me that I sit in this office and think. If I had done a little less thinking these last years and instead stood up and let Catherine know just how essential she is to my life, to me, then perhaps the outcome of all of this would have been different. But...

She's leaving me.

I am such a fool to keep up this monologue, as if I could ever state that Catherine is leaving me. Of course she is not, but how could I not take this personally? How can I not... How can I ... How will I ever be able to convince her to stay?

She's leaving me.

Well, Gil, if you want Catherine to stay, perhaps saying that out loud might have an influence on her behaviour. But, truthfully, I have missed my opportunities for coercing my friend into staying in Vegas. I have missed them on purpose, both out of kindess and cowardess. I choose to focus on the former, but then of course I would. Cath wants to leave Vegas because she is plain tired of the place - tired of the grind and tired of the... Well, tired of those who have hurt her - and I will be able to bear all of this if I could be sure that she does not count me amongst their number. Have I hurt her by letting her go, by not begging her to stay - or have I hurt her by standing in the shadows all these years? Or infinately worse, would I hurt her for articulating all that tortures me now? Would she despise me for ruining her exit and reading too much into what has always been a cherished friendship for both of us? I wish I knew the answers to these questions, I wish I had the courage to ask them years ago. I wish I was enough of a reason for Catherine to stay in Vegas... But I am neither enough nor a reason; there is not enough love on offer here to tempt Catherine to stay. I hope New York will be

She's leaving me.

And that is not going to change, if I stay here or go to the party I have been avoiding. Nothing will change what is happening, Catherine has worked her last shift here and will be gone from all of our lives soon. And if I were thinking clearly, I would be happy for her - I would rejoice in her good fortune and take pleasure in her happiness. I do not, I but I must keep this knowledge to myself, bury it so deep that Catherine will never be able to tell. Which is a difficult one, as Cath has always been able to read my moods and call me on every one of them... I have to practise my 'I'm okay with Catherine leaving' face, and then just try and get by as best I can.

She's leaving me.

I know why she wants to leave here so badly, at least I think I do. Catherine is leaving to give Linds a new beginning in an environment away from the one she finds herself in now. Away from Sam, away from memories of Eddie, and away from all of us. None of which I care about, it's that she is moving away from me that destroys me. And my part in her desire to move fills me with shame, and regret, and a sense of what might have been. I watched as she lost more of herself over the years, I probably watched from this very office... Does that tell you all you need to know? I should have intervened. I should have helped her, helped my friend with all that life was throwing at her... I should have opened this door and offered her words of comfort. Words. Something... But now there is nothing left to say, nothing of consequence - I don't have enough love in me to make her stay. Which is a lie, of course, but I can never tell her about the love I have reserved for her. It would be a disaster.

She's leaving me.

I do have enough love, though, I do. I can't bring myself to tell her about how she makes me feel. That what gets me through the day, the night, and all the crap that is thrown at me in this job - and in this town - is because of her presence in my life. Pathetic really, all it would have taken were a few words. I need you. Please don't go. I lov....

She's leaving me.

Letting my mind wander like this does me no good. I need to put on a tie and get over to that party before I become too maudlin to be in a room with anyone else. I missed my chance. You missed your chance Gil Grissom. Live with that.

She's leaving me.

OH DARLIN', THIS IS STILL A SHADY LITTLE TOWN
AND SOMETIMES ITS SO HARD TO SMILE
FOR THE WORLD, FOR THE CAMERA
AND STILL HAVE SOMETHING LEFT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE NOTHIN' TO NOBODY
JUST TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF
I'M NOT EASY TO LIVE WITH -
I KNOW THAT'S TRUE
YOU'RE NO PICNIC EITHER, BABE
AND THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVED ABOUT YOU
BUT A TIME WILL COME AROUND WHEN WE
NEED TO SETTLE DOWN
GOT TO GET OFF THIS MERRY-GO-ROUND

I tried. Did I mention that? I wanted Catherine to at least know that she... I wanted her to... I don't know, maybe I just wanted to spend some more time with her while we shared a city. So I went to her home and attempted to show her just how very necessary she has become to my life. I can't say that it worked. I tried. Badly.

She's leaving me.

I spent a few hours with Catherine and Linds, and it felt right but it also felt like a goodbye. Which is entirely appropriate, as it's what it should have been - but it did not make it any less sad. We had dinner, watched some TV, ands I read some terrible magazine with Lindsey... And that might have been my favourite part of the night, actually. Catherine was cleaning up, so Lindsey escaped by hiding out in the living room with her magazine... And I escaped by joining her. We both sat on the sofa, reading TV Guide together. For a few minutes I could not place the emotion I was feeling as I sat there with Linds, surrounded by the chaos of the Willows' home. It's sad that I did not recognise the feeling I was enjoying was happiness. Contentment. Love. Part of me want to clutch to that memory, because at least I was priviledged enought to have spent that time with Lindsey and to have shared that brief moment of intimacy with her. But another, the bigger and more sensible part - the part of me which nurses my heart - mourns what I will never know. How could a few hours shared with Linds make anything like a lasting impression on her? And why would I believe that once I recognised happiness, I would be able to let it go.

She's leaving me.

So I know what I could have, or what I want to have; what I want to be mine... I want what I had that night, time with Lindsey and Catherine. I want their company, their presence, their love... I want what I had that night, forever.

She's leaving me.

I want more than that.

She's leaving me.

I want more because I want days, weeks, months. In my heart, I want forever. So on this night when I was saying my goodbye to Catherine, after Linds went to bed - or got bored with talking to an old man - we talked and drank wine, and made each other smile.

"So will you miss me, Gil?"

"I'll miss your nagging."

"Yeah, but you know you'll miss me more."

"Maybe."

"You do think I'm doing the right thing, don't you?"

And at this point I could have changed my future, I could have asked her to stay. I could have asked her to stay with me. But of course, I did not. If I did I would not be sitting here mourning my lack of life.

"I can't make that choice for you Cath, but I know you've wanted more than you have here. We've spoken about it before, Cath. If this move is what you want think you need, then it's right. You know you can do the job in your sleep..."

"Are you saying I sleep my way through shifts?"

"You know what I'm saying, Catherine. I'm merely confirming that you're brilliant, and you will prove that all over again in New York."

"You think I'm brilliant?"

"I think you're fishing for compliments."

"Sometimes a woman has to make sure she's appreciated."

"You are."

That was it, that was my big declaration. I told Catherine she was appreciated.

She's leaving me.

Can you blame her? My performance then was proof, if we ever needed any, that I really can't talk to women. Not the important one.

"Can I say sorry, Gil?"

"For what?"

"Everything. For every time I was a pain in the ass. Everytime I caused you trouble. Everytime I was a little bit too Catherine. All of it... I'm sorry."

"Being Catherine is what makes you so special, never apologise for that."

Okay maybe that was my attempt at explaining a little of what I was feeling. It didn't work.

"You're not supposed to be sweet, Gil. You're supposed to say that you were a pain in the ass too, and that maybe we came out even in the end."

"Okay, I'm sorry too. And I very much hope that in the end we've come somewhere close to even."

And that really was the last time we spoke of her going. Infact I think that night, when we spoke and we laughed, was the last time I looked Catherine in the eye. Honestly, I've been avoiding her since that night. Dreadfully and like the coward I am, I've been avoiding letting her go. But my punishment for this behaviour will be brutal and sting for many years...

She's leaving me.

So I should go now, finally. I'm going to say goodbye to Catherine and wish her the best in her quest to be happy. On the inside I will be wishing she would want to stay with me, on the outside I will wish her luck and... I've just realised I'll have to give some sort of speech, at least say a few words. I'm bound to get that wrong, I know I will. But I'll do my best, and then return to the shadows where I belong. Without her. Alone.

She's leaving me.

And it's breaking my heart.

I WAS EITHER STANDING IN YOUR SHADOW OR BLOCKIN YOUR LIGHT
THOUGH I KEPT ON TRYING I COULD NOT MAKE IT RIGHT
FOR YOU GIRLS
THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH LOVE IN THE WORLD.