We had our first date tonight. Gil and I. I feel that I should be announcing that fact in more jubiliant terms. I FEEL that is what I should be doing, but I know different. I know that our first date was our last date. I know tonight was our one chance, and I know that we let it pass.

I don't really know how I feel to be honest. I mean I know that I am upset, I wish things were different, but I can't say how we could make it so. I can't say that we have made the wrong decision. Some things are just not meant to be.

We tried though. We did try. Tonight was our attempt at making 'us' real, making us change from a possibility to a reality. I knew it was pushing it, we both did, but we pushed anyway. I miss the knowledge that Gil and I could have possibilties, I hate admitting the reality that we can never be anything other than what we have always been. Good friends, the best of friends.

Have I mentioned how much that sucks? Well it does. And I'm going to wallow for a while. Wallow and wish for what might have been, but can never be.

Our date started off well. Gil came to picked me up from home.

"You look very beautiful Cath."

"Mmm... Thanks? This is a little strange. You don't usually comment on my appearance."

"Cath, there have been many comments on your appearance over the years. In my defence this is the first time that it's legal to make those sort of remarks, we've never been on a date before."

"No. That is true. So if we're going on a date does that mean it's legal for me to comment on your appearance?"

"I would say its compulsary."

"Really? Okay. I like your eyes, Gil Grissom."

"You like my eyes? Nothing about this expensive suit I've bought for tonight?"

"No. I like your eyes. And your face when you smile like that."

"Good. Shall we go Cath?"

"I'm all yours."

See, a few hours ago I really believed I could be his. That we could be each others. But that was all to change, the lightness of our original banter was soon to disappear. I'll always wonder what I could have done differently to change our path. To change our decision.

The restaurant was quite a drive from town, but the car ride was pleasant. It was fun just to be inhabit the same space and not worry about anything other other than the next few hours. All I remember thinking about was how I was going to make Gil smile again, the way he had in my home when I confessed that I like his eyes. But that was one of the last happy thoughts I had before everything went wrong. Before we started to hurt each other.

"What is this place."

"They do great seafood. I thought you would enjoy it, Cath."

"Well, I'm surprised you've ever been here. How on earth did you find it, it's in the middle of nowhere."

"Well that's good, isn't it? It's private."

"Oh, I see. No one we know will see us here. You can enjoy dinner free from the worry of being spied with your co worker."

"You're serious? Cath, I thought you would like this place. Honestly. Are we going in?"

"I don't know. For the first time in all the years we've known each other I just doubted your word when you said 'honestly'. "

"Cath..."

"You don't want us to be seen together, do you.?"

"Do you?"

"I wanted to spend time with you. I thought we agreed we were going to try this. I thought we agreed we would try."

"I am trying. I want this..."

"You want this to be in secret."

"That's not what I was going to say."

"But it is what you want."

"I want you."

"But in secret?"

"Cath, this is our first date, can we not take it slow."

"You're kidding, right? How much slower do you want us to take it, I was in my twenties when we first met. We continue at this pace I'll be retired by the time we first kiss. I don't want to sneak around, I don't want announcements in the papers, but I don't want to sneak around as if what we are doing is wrong."

"But it is."

I have to tell you it was at this point my heart started to throb in my chest. I was sure I'd misheard his comment, which would indicate my response.

"What? What did you just say?"

"I said that what we are doing is wrong."

I'm not sure how long it took me to respond to that one. But I couldn't leave it there.

"Going to dinner is wrong? Or going to dinner with me is wrong? Is my past too filled with shame for you to deal with."

And I know I hurt him with those words, he looked at me then with such sorrow in his beautiful eyes. All my planning had been for nothing, I had succeeded only in making him sad, not in making him smile.

"How can you say that Cath?"

"How can you say that what we are doing is wrong?"

"Easily. We work together, I'm your boss, we're friends, we have responsibilities, we both know what I'm talking about."

"Then why are we here? I don't mean hiding out at a restaurant where no one will find us, I mean why are we together tonight? I guess what I mean is why are you here? If this is so wrong, why are you here Gil?"

"Because I want you. All that you are, I want all of it for me."

Now when I wrote that it gave me chills, but when he said it... It was the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me in my life.

"I want you."

These words hung in the air for a few moments, I think we were both enjoying the possibilities again. But we couldn't spend the rest of our lives in that car, praying for a future which we were not going to have.

"What are we going to do."

I really would have done anything that he told me to in that moment. Maybe I still would.

"What we've always done, Cath. We do our job, and we live our lives. We stay friends, we'll always be friends. I hope we'll always be friends."

"We will."

"But if we change what we have..."

"Yeah, if we change what we have."

"You know what I mean, Cath. We have to much to lose. And I don't mean at work."

"I know. I know what you mean, Gil. I always know what you mean. Some things are just not meant to be. Right?"

"I guess."

And we sit in silence for a few moments, fingers entwined, not quite willing to let go of the moment. Of what might have been. But we did. We let go.

Some things are just not meant to be.