Twas the day before Christmas...

"Grissom. GRISSOM. Are you ready?"

"Catherine are you trying to waken the dead?"

"Funny man. Are you ready, we're going for lunch before heading home for the holidays."

"You guys go ahead. Cath, I've got work to do."

"Are you kidding me? It's Christmas Eve, we've been working for 17 hours, it's time to leave. It's time to go embrace the holiday season. Come on."

"I can't Cath. I have work to do, and I'll get more done when you guys aren't here to bother me."

"It's Christmas Eve, Gil."

"You just said that a minute ago, I've not forgotten. I'm just gonna work."

"Gil, the shifts are covered, come out with us. We want you there. I want you there."

"And I want to be here. So go on, enjoy yourself."

"What's happened to you?"

"We don't need to have this conversation again, Catherine. Nothing is wrong, I want to be here. Merry Christmas."

There are tears threatening to fall, I can tell this much even as she attempts to disguise it. I have disappointed her again, a role I'm getting used to. A role I'm comfortable with now. My role in life. It's the only way I can survive.

It's the life I've chosen. And this hurts less, this loosening of the ties with Catherine has let me live. There is no joy, but there is life. Truth be told, I don't want joy - I want nothingness, it sustains me. It's what helps me breathe.

I take comfort, if comfort is the correct word to use as comfort is a redundant emotion, in my work. I crave the order, the control I have in this building. So I let them go and celebrate the season, they work hard all year and they deserve this release. But I won't join them, I can't. The impulse to simply isn't there anymore.

What drives me now is my work load, and I'm excited about what I can achieve over the next few hours.

Maybe I should have given up earlier, judging by the pool of drool on my desk I've been sleeping for a while. I wonder if it's still Christmas Eve? I can't hear any movement out in the rest of the building, I guess it's a quiet night.

"So you're awake Mr Grissom. To be honest I was getting tired of waiting."

I think I just lost three years of my life. Who the hell is that?

"What are you doing here? Can I help you?"

"That's funny, Mr Grissom. Can you help me? Way to late for that, my friend."

"Have we met?"

"I think, very briefly when you first came to Vegas, but just to say hello."

"I know who you are."

"Well, I would hope so, I'm a legend round here, or I was before you started to outstrip me."

I don't understand this, am I still sleeping? I don't understand this.

"You're Alan Saunders. That can't be. I can't believe this."

"Believe it son. I was Alan Saunders when I was alive."

"I'm dreaming, it's okay. I'm just dreaming. I've drunk too much of Gregs' funky coffee, so I'm dreaming this."

"You're really not.What are you doing here? What are you doing with your life? You're ruining it. Just like I ruined mine. If you don't change your ways you will end up doomed."

"What are you?"

"Can't you guess? I'm karmas little gift, surely you've seen the movie. Actually, I should remember who I'm talking to, you'll have read the book."

"I don't understand."

"I'm here to teach you a lesson, give you the benefits of my experience, of my failure. I was you, Mr Grissom, I WAS what you are becoming. I spent all my time here, became the job. Forgot my interior life, my real life. And it killed me."

"This is a joke, right? They've set me up here, right? I have to tell you - you do look like Saunders, but you can go now. The guys have had their fun."

"I'm going nowhere Mr Grissom. I have work to do tonight. You have to listen to what we are going to tell you tonight. You have to understand what you have to lose. I lost my family because of what I became, you are going the same way Mr Grissom, so tonight fate is giving you the chance to change your life. For your sake, don't ask me if this is a joke again..."

"Okay."

"Don't waste your life like I did, you can still be saved. Tonight you are going to be visited by three ghosts - the ghost of Christmas past, the ghost of Christmas present, and the ghost of Christmas future. Listen to them, or you'll end up like me."

"What do I have to do?"

"Pay attention and learn the lesson, Mr Grissom."

I have to tell you I don't know whether I am hallucinating or if I've just watched too many Christmas movies. Did that really just happen? I suppose it is Vegas...

"Mr Grissom, or can I call you Gil?"

These people have to stop doing that.

"Gil is fine. Do I know you?"

"Not really, I'm the ghost of Christmas past, but you have looked on me before. I came through this lab when I was killed, you found who did it, and for that I owe you. That's why I volunteered for this job tonight, I figured I owe you."

"Right. So how does this work?"

"You just take my hand."

And I know I'm dreaming, or finally losing my mind, but it's one I want to find out about. So I take his hand, and we leave my office...

"Do you recognise where you are Mr Grissom? Do you recognise anyone in here?"

How can he ask me that question? I suppose this 'man' does not know me, but the question is foolish to me. There is no circumstances where I would not recognise this woman. It's Cath. She looks so young, but she looks tired, and a little upset. And there is the reason. Eddie. The only reason she has ever looked tired or upset.

"Catherine and her boyfriend Eddie. They've just had a huge domestic, and there he goes. Look at her, Gil. The most beautiful woman in the room, trying to blend into the background, trying to not cause a fuss. And there you come into the scene, our youthful Gil Grissom."

Now that is weird, that's me. Quiet a few pounds lighter, and hair a shade darker but that is certainly me. I can remember this day. I remember the ache in my heart when I found Cath sitting at the table, trying not to cry. Trying to pretend that she was okay, a lie she would tell me for years. But also I remember my intentions that day...

"Look at you, Gil, look how desperately happy you are to be with her."

"She's my friend."

"Right. What were you going to tell her that day?"

"I don't know what you mean. I don't remember this day, Cath and I have spent a thousand lunch times like this."

"Don't lie to the supernatural, Mr Grissom, we have ways of telling."

"Okay, honesty then. I remember this day because it was the day I lost my nerve. I was going to tell Cath how wonderful I thought she was, how she should leave that man and make her life with me. But Cath has news for me that day too."

"That she was getting married."

"Yeah."

"Look at the two of you, you sit awfully close, you maintain an awful lot of eye contact. You're holding her hand now, sort of."

I remember that moment, the most important of my life I would say. Cath told me of Eddies proposal, asked for my advice. Asked for my thoughts. But I couldn't tell her. Well I certainly didn't tell her, a fact I have regretted over the years. But I know Cath has not, she got the life she wanted.

" I was telling her that she should do what made her happy, that she deserved to be happy."

"You're a good friend Mr Grissom. A foolish man, but a good friend."

"Not all the time."

"Look you're leaving her, going to work I guess. This is the bit I wanted you to see. Watch our lovely Catherine."

She's crying. Gut wrenching, heartbreaking sobs. She's drawing attention to herself but does not seem to care, she cries. Seemingly emptying herself of her grief.

"She's crying for you Mr Grissom."

That can't be true. It can't be.

"I don't believe it."

"You should, it's what she's doing. You didn't listen to what she was saying. She was asking for your heart, and you didn't give it. So she weeps."

She was asking for my heart?

"Do you understand Mr Grissom, this the very moment your life started to change. Well actually, I could have taken you back to the day you met her, but we are pushed for time this evening. So this is your lesson, this is the minute your life went off track - and you let it."

"I didn't mean to. I thought..."

"Stop thinking, just feel, and do."

"What are you Yoda now?"

"Don't get sarcastic Mr Grissom. You've got more work to do tonight. Let me introduce you to my colleague, the ghost of Christmas present. But you can call him Frank."

Am sure this was more formal in the book I read.

"Frank, nice to meet you."

"Whatever, buddy. I've got other place to be tonight, it's Christmas. So let's get on with it."

A ghost has got better plans than I have at Christmas time, sort of pathetic I suppose.

"Well, you're the boss."

"So do you know where you are."

Of course I know where I am. I'm where I was supposed to be today, at the diner with the guys. With Catherine.

"They look happy to me, why didn't you come with them?"

"I was busy. I had work to do."

"You're pathetic. You do know that I hope. Look at how far from her you have drifted from the man you have just watched a few minutes ago."

"It was for my own good. I wanted to survive, and I couldn't do that if I hadn't distanced myself from her."

"Yeah, how you talk. Listen to these guys."

"Greg will you stop stealing all my fries."

"I'm helping you Sara, don't want you ruining your wonderful figure."

"Was there a compliment in there Greg?"

"Of course there was Nick, I was saying that Sara is hot."

"I'm going home to Linds right now if you guys don't stop acting like kids."

"Sorry mom."

"Sorry mom."

"Cath, is Grissom coming today?"

"I don't think he is Sara. He has a lot to do, and you know him, he takes his responsibilities very seriously, holidays or not."

"He should get a life."

"Like you, you mean Greg."

"Hey, enough of the snapping Catherine. I have a life, a life outside that buiding at least. I mean it's pathetic..."

"Stop there Greg, you know I love you, but I'll have to kick your ass if you insult Grissom."

"Sorry mom."

"And you call me mom again and the Doc will be working on you for his next case."

"Do you get the general idea? The woman is your great defender. But you can't have her fight your battles for you and not let her know."

"But she supports me. Isn't that what we just saw?"

"If that's what you want to believe. She is defending you, but for how much longer, the woman needs a little something back you know."

"I can't give her anything back."

"You won't you mean. But if you insist on this outcome, you are doomed."

"Isn't that a little melodramatic."

"I don't deal in melodrama, that's an entire other faction of the ghost family. I just tell you how it is. This lady is going to tell you how it will be."

"Come with me, Grissom. Prepare yourself."

I know how this story ends, I know what they are going to show me, but it's okay. None of this is real. NONE OF THIS IS REAL.

"Where am I? Are we still in the diner? Isn't this when we are supposed to be at my funeral?"

"I hate this job sometimes, damnn self aware clients. There is no shock in death anymore. No I skipped the funeral, thought it might be too pathetic to show you. This is your wake. Such as it is."

"There's no one here."

"Well, there are a few people. That doctor guy over there, and there is Jim Brass. But others have come and gone."

"Where's Catherine?"

"I thought you might notice that."

"Where is she? Is she okay?"

"She's just dandy. She couldn't make your funeral, couldn't take the time out of her life. She didn't feel the need. Live with that."

"She doesn't live in Vegas anymore?"

"No. In a few weeks you have a confrontation and she considers her position in the lab. Very soon she will be gone from your life, and gone from your city. Again, I say, live with that."

"Do I hurt her?"

"Of course you hurt her. You close yourself off, and leave her behind. So she leaves you. And she doesn't come back. And I have to say it doesn't end well for you."

"What happens?"

"Dumb accident. You work too much, as usual, and you fall asleep at the wheel. You kill yourself, I guess."

"Right."

"It gets worse. Look at this."

This is so weird, we're outside now. We're at the cemetary. Am I about to see my own grave? This is cruel and unusual punishment.

"Look who's here."

Catherine. She is leaving flowers at my grave. She's crying, I think. Is she crying for me? Did I make her cry? I hope she is crying for me.

"She tried to stay away, she managed quite well for three weeks, and then started coming here. She comes whenever she can, to cry, to mourn. To scream at you."

And she is screaming at me, or screaming at my gravestone. She's pissed at me. Angry at me for leaving her, for always trying to leave her. I don't know what I am the most sorry for, my death, or her tears. I never wanted to be the man who made her cry, she's had enough of that in her life. I have to stop this.

"Can I change what happens here?"

"You've read the book, that set out the rules for how this works. The rest is up to you."

The pool of drool is back, I've been sleeping at my desk again. Have I been dreaming again? That was too real to be a dream, or maybe just too close to home. Whatever it was, it's forced my hand. I have to find out if Catherine and I have a chance. Is it too early to go there now? It's 7am. Christmas Day. A day for hope. And I am daring to hope.

Okay, it's 8am now. Been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to work up the nerve to go up to her door. It occurs to me I've looked better. I've been wearing this shirt for far too many hours. But I can't use that as an excuse this time, I can't use excuses anymore. So I leave the safety of my car, this car that will kill me soon if I don't stop it, and I go to disturb the Willows women. I ring the bell and listen to the sound of footsteps coming towards me.

"Grissom?"

"Morning Cath. Sorry if I got you up."

"Been up for hours Grissom, sleeping late and kids don't mix at Christmas."

"Right."

"So are you okay? You look tired."

"I had a weird night. I wanted to see you."

I know she doesn't know what to make of this. She is searching my eyes for answers. Answers I know I must say out loud.

"Can we talk, Cath?"

"Okay. What is this? If you wanted an invite to dinner all you had to do was..."

I don't know how to start this, so I stop her talking by taking her hand a placing a soft kiss on her palm. Does she know what I mean?

"I don't have presents with me Cath, but I really want to come in."

"I don't need presents. I just want you here."

"That's what I want. I hope I want what you want."

"Me too."

And she leads me into her home for our first real Christmas together, and all I can think is 'I'm alive'. And I mean it.

THE END