I WALKED ACROSS THE EMPTY LAND
I KNEW THE PATH WAY LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND
I FELT THE EARTH BENEATH MY FEET
SAT BY THE RIVER, AND IT MADE ME FEEL COMPLETE

I'm wondering how to fill my morning. I could watch TV again, the morning talk shows always make me feel better about myself. But then I feel ashamed to have watched them in the first place, and they are starting to bore me. How many times do I have to watch shows about 'women who love too much', to get a clue and just turn off the damn TV. So if I'm not going to watch TV, then I should clean. But I cleaned this house within an inch of it's life yesterday, so that leaves... That leaves, mopping about Gil. Again.

Last night was difficult, I have two weeks left at work. I'm not sure how I will survive these weeks with my pride intact. I'm finding it difficult to be in the same room, the same building actually, as Gil. I want to be held by him, I know it's a weakness, a failing, but it is my weakness. And I do so want to be held, but I know his arms are around someone else. Around Sara. Sara, Sara, Sara... I sometimes think that if I wish it enough then I could make her disappear. Well, I do have these thoughts after a bottle or two of red wine, does that make me a bad person? Why did she have to get so lucky, and why did I get nothing? Well, apparently I'm having a pity party this morning. Which is a sign to go and clean some more, or maybe I should sleep. Or maybe I wish I could sleep, butif I sleep then I will dream. And my dreams seem to be about only one thing these days. Grissom dreams, naked Grissom dreams. I try not to dream.

So I should go and do something, get off this sofa and DO something. Soon, I will do that soon...

Why am I never left with my thoughts? I'm busy, I'm working here and there are people at my door. If it's someone else wanting to save my soul, this time, I might just look into it.

Wrong again. He is not here to save my soul. He is here to hurt me, if I let him. So I won't let him, not again.

"Gil, why are you here? Can't we discuss whatever this is at work, I have things to do."

"I need to talk Cath, can I come in?"

No, you can't. You can't come in, because I'm afraid of what I might do, of what I might say.

"Can't it wait, Gil."

"Please, Cath. I just need five minutes, and then if you want me to, I'll leave."

"Okay, but a few minutes. I'm sort of in the middle of something."

Why is he here? Why does he want five minutes of my time, what does he think he's going to convince me of? I'm better left alone, watching daytime TV is starting to look good.

"Can I sit down, Cath?"

When has he ever asked that before. It's just great, he's with Sara for five minutes and he feels weird being alone with me.

"Of course you can, can I get you some coffee?"

"No, thank you. I just want to talk."

"About?"

"Us."

Oh no. I can't do this, I'm not that brave.

OH SIMPLE THING, WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I'M GETTING OLD AND I NEED SOMETHING TO RELY ON
SO TELL ME WHEN, YOU'RE GONNA LET ME IN
I'M GETTING TIRED AND I NEED SOMEWHERE TO BEGIN

"I don't understand what this is, Gil. What are you talking about?"

"Warrick came to see me."

I'm gonna kick his ass. What has he done, what has he said? This can't be good. I don't want Gil to know what I feel, what's in my heart. I need to play this cool.

"Okay. Does he have a problem."

"He does."

"Is he okay?"

"No. He thinks that we have a problem. That you and I should have a conversation, a long overdue conversation. Can we?"

I am so gonna kick his ass, does he think this helps? I don't know what words are going to do. I wonder how many words have passed between Gil and I over the years. They have been of no help.

"About?"

"Cath, don't make this anymore difficult than it already is. I want to talk to you about you and me, about this..."

And he reaches out and touches me. He runs his hand down the bare skin of my arm, and my body betrays me. And he knows it, he can tell what I feel, my body is telling him. I hate my weakness for him right now, hate the way the hairs on my arm react to his touch. Hate the way my skin reacts to his touch.

"Please, Gil. What are you trying to do?"

"I just want to talk to you, Cath. Do you remember when we could do that with each other?"

I CAME ACROSS A FALLEN TREE
I FELT THE BRANCHES, ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME
IS THIS THE PLACE WE USED TO LOVE
IS THIS THE PLACE THAT I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF
OH SIMPLE THING, WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I'M GETTING OLD AND I NEED SOMETHING TO RELY ON
SO TELL ME WHEN, YOU'RE GONNA LET ME IN
I'M GETTING TIRED AND I NEED SOMEWHERE TO BEGIN

"I remember, Gil. I miss it."

"I miss you."

And we do the stupid staring thing, just looking at each other. But do we both mean the same thing?

"I'm still here, you know. Just because thing are different doesn't mean that we shouldn't talk anymore. We've known each other too long to forget that."

"I could never forget about what you mean to me."

When did he start saying things like that outside of my head. It makes me uncomfortable. As the two of us standing here in my living, talking around each other, is making me uncomfortable. The way he is looking at me is, the way he looks at me in my dreams, is making me uncomfortable. And I shouldn't feel like that in my own home.

"What are we doing here? I don't understand what this is."

"Warrick said that..."

"You're here to talk about Warrick?"

"Of course not. Sorry. I'm no good at this. You know I'm no good at this."

"You are with Sara, Gil. Remember that."

I'm not proud of that needy and desperate comment, but I couldn't stop it. I don't think I tried.

"I'm not with Sara. I never have been."

And I shocked myself with what I did next, but not as much as I shocked Gil. The sting of my hand across his cheek was the last thing he was expecting, but it's what happened.

"I'm sorry, Cath."

I can't deal with the sadness in his eyes, can't deal with the fact that I may have put it there. I don't know what I am doing, I don't even really know why he is here. But I react to the fact that he is here, and I am here. And there is something between us, some want, or sadness, or need, so I reach and pull him to my body. I kiss his bottom lip while he is still too shocked to react. I stay by him, just invading his space for a few moments, enjoying the feel of his breath on my skin.

AND IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE WHY DON'T WE GO
TALK ABOUT IT, SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW
THIS CAN'T BE THE END OF EVERYTHING'SO WHY DON'T WE GO, SOMEWHERE
ONLY WE KNOW
SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW

"Cath."

I sense rather than hear what he says, now. He is whispering these words in my ear as he pulls me deeper into his embrace. This is turning out different to how I thought it would.

"What are we doing here?"

"This is me asking you not to go. This is me begging you not to go, Catherine."

As he says these last words, he drops to his knees and places his head on my stomach. Looking at me with the kind of expression which would make a woman swoon. Really. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe Grissom just makes me swoon. I smile at him, start to laugh a little and the spell is broken. We are both laughing, really laughing, and it's the happiest I've been in the longest time. Whatever spell we broke, another one seems to have been cast in it's place, one that causes Gil to pull me to the floor with him. To him.

"I have to tell you some things and you have to promise me you'll just listen. Okay, Cath?"

"'Kay."

I'm a smooth talker when it comes down to it...

"I love you. I'd been planning on making grand speeches, but it all comes down to those three words. I told you that the last time I was here, but I don't think you heard me. But I really do, so you can't leave me, I won't allow it. I've messed up, which isn't unusual, but I need to make this right. That night I was here, I told you that I wanted to be with you, and thought... I thought that you didn't want to be with me, not like this."

And for a man that is so guarded with his feelings, he seems to be doing quite well here. He is tracing a line down my face, again and again, with his thumb. How did he get so good at this? Should I be focusing on that, or what he just said. What he just said?

"You love me?"

"I love you."

And his kiss is soft, and sweet, and addictive. As I knew it would be. As I dreamt it would be.

"I thought that you didn't. I told you I loved you, and you said you didn't know what to do with that information."

"I thought you wanted to love me as a friend, not like this."

And he is getting bolder with every kiss, his lips now working their way along my jaw to make contact with my earlobe.

"Okay."

"Is that all you want to say, Cath?"

Damn man, when did he gain control in this. I'll have to stop that. Soon. I move to his ear and whisper the words he needs to hear. My voice is so soft it is barely there, but he hears me. He knows what I am telling him, what I should have told him many times before.

"Will you stay with me?"

"I want to be with you, let's work on that first. This, us, we have nothing to do with work. I can stay with you and leave the job, you know."

"I know, but we would be lost without you. All of us would."

"But I want 'us' to be about you and me, don't we deserve that? I would like you to think of me as more than your human face, at work."

And as if to prove me wrong he kisses me again, but it's anything but sweet this time. It's hot, and desperate, and very welcome. We both need this, both want it.

We both want this. I will never tire of those words.

"Can we talk about this later, Cath. Just now I would really just like to hold you."

"Okay, me too. I need to sleep, but that doesn't mean I don't want to..."

"Don't want to what?"

"Do 'stuff'"

"I'm good at 'stuff', Cath."

"I hope so, honey."

But we will discover that later. Just now we are going to bed to sleep off the exhaustion of the last few weeks. I know I will find peace for the first time in weeks in his arms, I hope the same is true for Gil. So I take him to my bedroom for the first time as my lover, or soon to be lover. And I close the door, because this is between the two of us.

AND IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE WHY DON'T WE GO
TALK ABOUT IT SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW
THIS CAN'T BE THE END OF EVERYTHING
SO WHY DON'T WE GO, SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW
SOMWHERE ONLY WE KNOW

THE END