(dot)"YES GEORGE, RUN TO YOUR WORK. HIDE BEHIND YOUR PAINTING. I HAVE COME TO TELL YOU I AM LEAVING BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT CARE TO KNOW - FOOLISH OF ME, BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT NOTHING...

(george)"I CARE ABOUT MANY THINGS."

(dot): "THINGS, NOT PEOPLE."

(george)"PEOPLE TOO. I CANNOT DIVIDE MY FEELINGS UP AS NEATLY AS YOU, AND I AM NOT HIDING BEHIND MY CANVAS - I AM LIVING IT."

We didn't work. I can't believe I'm saying those words, but Grissom and I did not work as a couple. We were a mistake, together we are a mistake. And that breaks my heart, because it shouldn't be like this. I know it shouldn't be like this because we are supposed to be happy. Supposed to love each other forever. We were at least supposed to love each other. But I'm not sure we do anymore. I'm not sure Grissom ever did.

We were so happy, so stupid and happy. It was a long time coming, the two of us together. Sixteen years of foreplay is not to be recommended, we were near mad for each other by the time we got together. That's what I don't understand, how we can have been so right together, so happy, and then find ourselves here. Estranged, apart, and desolate. And I can't make him see. For the first time since we've known each other, he refuses to hear what I'm saying. He won't LISTEN. No matter our differences in the past, whether in or out of the office, he would always make time to listen to my point of view. But he's given up on that. He's left me behind. Left me.

For four months we were happy, or I think we were. That's what this heartbreak has done to me, it's made me doubt what we've had. What we mean to each other, or what we meant. Maybe it was all me, maybe I pushed to hard. I made him deal with feelings he didn't want to, because I'm in love with him and I wanted him to love me back as much. Love me more. It was my greatest wish to have his passion in my life, to have him passionate about me. And he was. He was passionate, so passionate, and he was mine. And I thought I was at my journeys end. That I was with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, that would be the father Lindsey so wanted him to be. But he's pulled away from us, it's like he's locked the door to his heart and he won't give me the key.

I don't know how to fight anymore. I'm too tired. Love isn't supposed to be this hard. Love isn't supposed to destroy you. That's why I have to not see him anymore, why I have to stop loving him. Which is so difficult, beyond difficult. I've been in love with him through my late twenties, through the entirety of my thirties, and now that I've reached the decade that life begins, my life is ending - because he has left me alone in this love affair. Alone, and broken. We had a fight this morning that has ended us, ended my hope, and my future as I know it should be.

(george)"PEOPLE TOO. I CANNOT DIVIDE MY FEELINGS UP AS NEATLY AS YOU, AND I AM NOT HIDING BEHIND MY CANVAS - I AM LIVING IT.

(dot)"WHAT YOU CARE FOR IS YOURSELF"

(george)"I CARE FOR THIS PAINTING, YOU WILL BE IN THIS PAINTING."

(dot)"I AM SOMETHING YOU CAN USE."

(george)"I HAD THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD."

He came over after work, which frightened me right away. I knew then that we would end. He was making the effort to have a fight with me, so I knew what his intentions were. He'd made his choice.

"Cath, why are you making this so difficult? Why can't we go on as we are?"

"Because it's not enough, Gil. And you should know that. What happened to the man that promised he would love me for the rest of my life. What happened to the man who wanted to come here and live with me and my daughter, to make a life with us. I miss that man, I love him very much. Do you know what happened to him?"

"You're being foolish Cath. We're fine. So I don't move in? What's the problem? We can still see each other, we don't need to live together to be involved."

That is the moment I knew I had lost, knew that his impenetrable walls were coming down again. But I couldn't accept that, couldn't accept that without a fight, without fighting for us.

"Gil, why are you doing this to us? Do you hear me when I tell you I love you? Does it matter that I have given you my heart, my body, my love -valuable commodities Gil. And you want to throw them away." I was crying, blowing the cool image I wanted to project, but at least I was honest. My feelings were raw, but honest.

"Cath, I am not throwing them away. We are moving too fast, I don't know why you need all these promises, all these public declorations. I'm a loner Cath, you've always known that. You've known me a long time, it's not like I've suddenly changed."

"You have, honey, you just won't admit it. I know you are a man who enjoys his own company, but you always enjoyed mine more. What happened with that?"

And he doesn't answer. He doesn't fight for us. So I tell him to leave, tell him that it's over.

(dot)"IT'S BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD THAT I LEFT, THAT I AM LEAVING."

(george)"THEN THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SAY. IS THERE?"

(dot)" YES GEORGE, THERE IS. YOU COULD TELL ME NOT TO GO. SAY IT TO ME, TELL ME NOT TO GO. TELL ME THAT YOU'RE HURT. TELL ME YOUR RELIEVED. TELL ME THAT YOU'RE BORED - ANYTHING, BUT DON'T ASSUME I KNOW. TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL."

And he moves to leave, he accepts what I tell him to do, and he's leaving. And I should have left it there, should have let us end with some dignity. But the things of value I have in this life, I've had to fight for - and I believe Gil is worth fighting for. So I try one last time.

"Why have you changed your mind about us? What have I done to change your mind? Tell me, please? Tell me what I have to do to get you to look at me the way you used to. Tell me."

"There's no change. I've always felt this way. Always will. I am a loner Cath, I'm not designed to be a family man. We can still get together after a hard shift if you want to, we can still comfort each other. I can cook you breakfast, and we can make love and then get on with the rest of our day. No mess, no upsets like this. Just the good stuff. What do you say?"

This is not Grissom. What have I done to him?

"I don't believe what you're saying. Are you trying to hurt me? I don't believe you mean what you've just said. Why have your feelings changed? Why don't you love me anymore?"

(george)" WHAT I FEEL? YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. WHY DO YOU INSIST YOU MUST HEAR THE WORDS, WHEN YOU KNOW I CANNOT GIVE YOU WORDS? NOT THE ONES YOU NEED. THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY. I CANNOT BE WHAT YOU WANT."

"Cath you know how I feel about you, you're my best friend."

God save me from the best friend line, that's when I finally accepted that I'd lost him. That no matter what I would say, he would not change his mind. He made his decision, for whatever reason. He was leaving me. But yet... I couldn't leave it alone.

"I don't understand this. Are you punishing me for something? Are you angry because of work, because of what happened with the Owen case? I did what I thought was right Gil. I know I over step the mark sometimes, but you usually let me and then we sort it out later. I didn't mean to leave you with the family, I know that must have been difficult, I know that's usually my job - dealing with the family. But I just got caught up in the work, I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"This has nothing to do with work, Cath. It's just me. You and I, and how I think we would be best for each other. I am my work, it means everything in the world to me. You know what I mean, you are the job too. But you have Lindsey to consider - which makes us different, which is why we wouldn't work. I need someone in my life that is as much the job that I am. It's what I need."

"Well if that is what you need. I appreciate your honesty. What happens now."

(dot)" WHAT DO YOU WANT, GEORGE?"

(george)" I NEEDED YOU AND YOU LEFT"

(dot)" THERE WAS NO ROOM FOR ME"

(george)" YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT WHO I AM. I AM WHAT I DO. WHICH YOU KNEW. WHICH YOU ALWAYS KNEW. WHICH I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PART OF."

"We stay friends. We'll always be friends Cath. Things haven't worked out the way you thought they would, but we go on. I thought you would want to carry on, that you would accept the price we have to pay to do the work we do. But I realise that's not what you want,that I can't have that part of you on my terms. But that's okay. I still have best CSI in the country on my team. We belong there, we belong together."

(dot)"NO. YOU ARE COMPLETE, GEORGE. YOU ON YOUR OWN, WE DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER. YOU ARE COMPLETE, GEORGE. YOU ARE ALONE. I AM UNFINISHED, I AM DIMINISHED, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, WE DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER. AND WE SHOULD HAVE BELONGED TOGETHER. WHAT MADE IT SO RIGHT, IS WHAT MADE IT ALL WRONG. NO ONE IS YOU, GEORGE, THERE WE AGREE. NO ONE IS YOU AND NO ONE CAN BE, BUT NO ONE IS ME, GEORGE, NO ONE IS ME. WE DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER. AND WE'LL NEVER BELONG."

"How can you say that, talk as though we meant nothing to each other. You see these hands, Gil? These hands have touched every part of your body, have loved every part of your body. How can we go to work and not acknowledge that history, acknowledge what we have been to each other. What we are, and don't look that way. It's true, what we ARE to each other. The man I fell in love with would not ask me to do such a thing, would not ask me to suffer like this."

"Are you saying you can't work with me?"

The job, always the job.

"I'm saying, I can't look at you anymore. I can't."

So he left.

And I find myself getting ready for work, knowing that I can't hide from him there. But I will give him my letter, will let him know I'm requesting a transfer to the day shift. I will try to talk, try not to focus on the personal but on the work. But it will be hard, so hard. What else can I do? We do not belong together. I hope if I say it enough times I will start to believe it.

(dot)"YOU HAVE A MISSION. A MISSION TO SEE, NOW I HAVE ONE TOO GEORGE. AND WE SHOULD HAVE BELONGED TOGETHER. I HAVE TO MOVE ON".