YOU COULD BE HAPPY AND I WON'T KNOW
BUT YOU WEREN'T HAPPY THE DAY I WATCHED YOU GO
AND ALL OF THE THINGS I WISH I HAD NOT SAID
ARE PLAYED IN LOOPS TILL IT'S MADNESS IN MY HEAD
IS IT TOO LATE TO REMIND YOU HOW YOU WERE
NOT OUR LAST DAYS OF SILENT SCREAMING BLUR

I wish all of these people would go away. I wish I was at home, and I wish I hadn't drunk so much.

And I don't wish any of that, not really. I wish Catherine had not just walked out of that door. I wish I had stopped her. I wish she was here so that I could tell her....

It doesn't matter, nothing of what I want or wish matters. Catherine is gone. I let her leave, and now I am alone.

And drunk, apparently.

Or maybe I am not quite there yet, I am sober enough to know I have been drinking too much, but I am drunk enough to want to carry on.

I can't face all of these people anymore, I just can't. I've been drinking with Greg and Nick, but I am too close to tears to share a table with the guys now. And they will be talking of Catherine, I'm sure they are already; and I feel her absence keenly enough without wallowing in what used to be.

So I've dragged myself over to the bar, and I'm going sit here until they throw me out. The sweet burn of scotch will be my companion tonight. I wish I had a better head for it though, now that I am drinking I have no idea how I am going to manage to get myself home. But it is comforting to worry about this, easier than if I were to think about the absence in the room. And maybe it will be easier to get through tonight if I don't say her name.

"So, you sitting here thinking of Catherine? You are one dumb idiot, my friend."

Or maybe everyone within 10 metres of me should refrain from mentioning her name as well. And I shouldn't even have to mention that they should refrain from calling me an idiot.

"Jim, I'm not in the mood."

"I don't care, I'm sitting here and I'm talking, get used to it."

If only I hadn't drunk so much then maybe I could get out of here quickly enough to avoid this. And you know what the answer is? Drink more, I'll be able to block out the words Jim offers, and the words Catherine never will.

"Hiding behind a bottle won't do you any good, Grissom."

"I don't need to hear this right now. I just want to sit here and have a quiet drink, is that too much to ask for?"

"Yes, of course is it. You need to get your ass out of this bar and across to Catherine..."

"I don't want to listen to this."

Please, Jim. I thought we were friends, I can't do this. Don't you know that? Please, just leave me be.

"Gil, you never want to listen, and that's okay cause you're old and ugly enough to make your own mistakes..."

"Good, so then we are in agreement?"

"You didn't let me finish. I was about to say that this time you have to listen to what I say, it's too important. And you are too dumb to figure this out on your own."

"Leave me alone."

"Is that what you said to Catherine, Grissom?"

"I mean it, Jim. I can't do this here, please. I need to drink the rest of this bottle and then sleep it off. Please don't make me talk about this, and please don't talk about Cath. You can drink with me, or leave. Those are the choices you have."

"You don't get to say what I do, or what I talk about Gil. Someone needs to do this, and it looks like it's me."

I really should have gone home, I can't believe Jim Brass is about to give me advice about women. This is a new low. I think I could bear it if he was about to talk to me about other women, but not Cath... She's gone, and it's done, and I want wallow in the pain of her departure for a little while.

"So you having a good time?"

"Jim I think I might have mentioned that I'm not in the mood."

"Yeah, I got that."

"But there's no chance you'll leave me be, is there?"

"Not a chance buddy."

So if tonight wasn't already bad enough, I'm going to spend the rest of the night talking to a guy at a bar. Or I could just ignore him, and spend my time obsessing about Catherine. If I close my eyes I can remember her words as she held me, words that I will torture myself with forever.

"Gil, I swear I'm gonna kick your ass tonight."

"You think that's conversation, Jim? No wonder only I'll put up with you."

"Gil, there is nothing I would rather do less than have this conversation with you, but I'm doing it. I figure all that alcohol will prevent you from running, and I'm also hoping you are less stubborn than Catherine."

Please don't talk to me about Catherine. Let me drink, and let me be sad; but don't talk about her. I refuse to talk about her. I refuse.

"She's gone, Jim."

"No she hasn't, you idiot. She's at home right now. She's a cab ride away. Do I need to draw you a map?"

"You keep calling me an idiot..."

"Because you are..."

"Maybe. But I know when to give up, so that's what I'm doing. I'm going to sit here and finish this bottle and torment myself with all I might have said to Catherine and I did not. I'll torment myself with the knowledge that she is leaving Vegas to go and have a happy life somewhere else, without us. And I'll torment myself with the knowledge that even Greg can put away more alcohol than I can. So leave me be, I want to be left alone with my regrets and my drunken thoughts."

"I'm gonna kick your ass."

MOST OF WHAT I REMEMBER MAKES ME SURE
I SHOULD'VE STOPPED YOU FROM WALKING OUT THE DOOR
YOU COULD BE HAPPY I HOPE YOU ARE
YOU MADE ME HAPPIER THAN I'D BEEN BY FAR
SOMEHOW EVERYTHING I OWN SMELLS OF YOU
AND FOR THE TINIEST MOMENT IT'S ALL NOT TRUE

"We're too old to fight, Jim. And kicking my ass would be no great victory, my knees are shot and I've lost control of my limbs with all the drinking tonight - where would the satisfaction be?"

"I could knock some sense into you."

"No, it's too late for that. Better people than you have tried."

"You mean Catherine has tried?"

"No."

"Yeah, you do, you always mean Catherine."

"Jim..."

I hope I got just the right amount of menace in my tone. If I did, then he will shut up.

"Gil, you know you always mean Catherine."

Apparently I am competely without menace. I suck down some more scotch in the hope that it might improve my chances of developing that particular part of my personality.

"Jim, I'm bored with this conversation already."

"Really? You're bored with it, that's hilarious. Do you know how many years I've had to watch this particular drama?"

"Jim."

I'm sure there was more menace that time.

"No, Grissom, listen to me. You and Catherine are two of the best people I have ever known, but you are also the most exasperating. You are sitting here mopping over her, and she is probably at home crying over you..."

"I'm not the type of man women cry over, Jim."

"Exactly. Exactly my point Mr Grissom, and that's why you should listen to me. A woman like Catherine - a gorgeous woman if you should need reminding of that - is most likely at home crying because of you. Don't you get that? Don't you get how amazing that is? Guys like you and I do not get the girl, or certainly not if the girl looks like Catherine. But you could, cause she wants you and you're sitting here with me. For a smart man you can be really dumb."

"So we're back to me being dumb."

"I swear I don't know what that woman see's in you. OF COURSE we are back to you being dumb, did you not hear what I just said? I tell you that a beautiful woman has feelings for you, and you ignore that part of the conversation completely."

"Because it's not true."

"I'm counting to ten here, buddy because you are getting on my last nerve."

"Then go."

"No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me tonight. Come on, give me a break here, you know you want to go to her."

"I shouldn't have let her go."

Who said that? Please let me not have said that out loud.

"You don't say?"

Yeah, I think that was out loud. Maybe if I admit some things, maybe Jim will leave me alone.

"But she's gone, Jim. She's left us."

"If you asked her to stay she would, Grissom. Go ask the woman to stay."

"I don't know how."

"Get in a cab and go to her house and tell her that you love her."

"It's too late for that."

"Why, are you dying?"

"What? No. What are you talking about?"

"Okay, if you're not dying then I'm confused about why it's too late. Go and talk to Catherine, make her stay."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it's too late."

"Yeah, I've heard you say that before. I don't get it, Grissom."

"It's easier to stay here and remember than it is to go and make a fool of myself."

"You wouldn't be doing that, she's waiting for you."

"No, she's not. I know Catherine, and she is gone. She's gone."

"You're a pain in the ass, Gil."

"Please don't ask me to explain. I need to be sad tonight, Jim. I'll be back at work tomorrow and I'll be fine; but tonight I want to be sad. I want to sit here and smell her perfume."

"What?"

"Catherine doesn't usually wear perfume, never at work anyway. But she did tonight, and it was beautiful. When she said goodbye, when she held me to her, she left her scent on my jacket... So I'm sitting here memorising how she smelt tonight."

"You're sitting in a bar smelling your jacket?"

"Yes."

"Man, you're lucky that woman loves you because you are too weird for the rest of society."

"Please stop saying that."

"Come on, you know you're weird, you take pleasure from it."

"No, stop saying that Catherine loves me."

"She does."

"She doesn't, and I don't want to hear this anymore."

"How many times do I have to tell you this, the woman loves you. Go and tell her you love her too."

"I wish she was here."

"Makes two of us, buddy. If Cath was here then I wouldn't be sitting at the bar with some guy who is smelling his own jacket for kicks. But I am here, and I'm not lying to you or making fun of you. At least not about this, not about Catherine. I wouldn't do that, Grissom. Go talk to Catherine. Please."

"No. The chance for talking is gone. We had years to talk and we were silent. Our chance is gone."

"Why?"

JUST DO ALL THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO
WITHOUT ME THERE TO HOLD YOU BACK, DON'T THINK JUST DO
MORE THAN ANYTHING I WANT TO SEE YOU GIRL
TAKE A GLORIOUS BITE OUT OF THE WHOLE WORLD
YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT.

"I think Catherine should leave here and go do her thing."

"That doesn't make any sense, Grissom."

"She has so much ability, and so much potential to do more. The job in New York will allow her to be everything she could and should be."

"Except loved, Grissom."

"Catherine is loved."

"And that's what you should tell her, Grissom."

"I want her to be happy, Jim. Don't you think she deserves that?"

"Of course."

"I don't think she's been happy here for a long time. Do you remember how she used to smile all the time? I can't remember the last time I saw her smile."

"I can."

"Then you've got a better memory than I have, Jim."

"Actually, I probably don't. I saw Catherine smiling tonight Gil, I saw her happy around all of us. I stood in this very spot talking to her, and she was smiling. Not at me, not at my lousy jokes, but at you. She was talking to me, and looking over at you with such affection. And Grissom, I don't like talking about this - I would rather be talking to any number of attractive women in this room, but I'm making a good point here... Catherine was upset when she left tonight, but she was happy while she was with us. I've been on the side lines, watching you two for years. You look at her when you think she won't notice, and she does exactly the same to you. Well let me tell you something, it's been noticed. We've all noticed, it's just you two that are the problem. Now do something about it."

"I can't..."

"Gil Grissom, so help me, if you tell me that it's too late then I won't be responsible for my actions."

"Catherine deserves a chance to live a life away from here. She deserves better than me."

"Of course she deserves better than you. Of course she does, but she doesn't want it. I've mentioned this before, and this is the last time I'm going to say it before losing my temper... Catherine doesn't want better, she wants you. Do something about that."

"I can't."

"Grissom?"

"No, I really can't. I can't go to her like this, look at me?"

"You look as bad as you always do, it's never seemed to put Catherine off."

"Thanks, Jim. You're really bad at this, you know. But I was talking about the state I'm in, I can't go and talk to Catherine like this. I've had too much to drink."

"Okay?"

"I'll make a fool of myself."

"Grissom, I swear I don't know what Catherine see's in you. I am calling you a cab and you are gonna have a glass of water. And then you're going to get the girl."

I'm not Jim.

I don't get the girl. My life is not like that.

I'll make a fool of myself.

But at maybe I will at least find peace, if I tell her in words how I fell.

But more likely I will make a fool of myself.