I know that deep down inside I love my mom to pieces. But it's like she just doesn't listen. It's like, she wants me to do what she wants, no questions asked. Sorry mom, but I'm just not hardwired that way. Don't think that I don't know about her past, oh, do I know. Like, when she was 16, she left home with her `rock star' boyfriend. Then, when she became a stripper, not to mention the coke addiction. Sure, Dad was always either high, or drunk, but at least he was there. I mean, she can't exactly say that.

Like when Dad had to come and pick me up at ballet, because she was working on a case. I feel sorry for those girls and all, but really, you'd think my own mother would be able to pick me up after my ballet lessons.

Moving on to the divorce. Okay, I know that it had something to do with Dad always being high, and/or drunk, but that's about it. Dad told me that it was Grissom's fault, that he and my mom had an affair while she was still married to him. I don't exactly believe that, probably because he lies a lot. I know my mom's holding something out of the equation, and I just wish she could trust me enough to tell me. Really, could it be that bad?

Let's not forget Dad's death. I know I shouldn't be mad at anyone except the person who killed him, but seriously. I can't help but wonder if they just didn't try as hard as they could, because they didn't care. It really wasn't a big secret that no one really liked him. Again, I don't know why, he was a great guy. Minus the coke habit, and drinking. I remember that night, when me and my mom went home together. She laid down on her bed, and started to cry. I stayed up practically all night, trying to protect her. I still don't get why she was crying. Didn't she divorce him?

Hitchhiking. I know it's bad, but all I wanted to do was see my dad's house. That's all. But, no, it seems like it's too much to ask. I almost feel bad for the way I yelled at my mom, saying I'd prefer Dad high over her. Almost, it wasn't exactly a lie. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Then, I honestly would say, yea, please make my mom dead instead of dad.

Oh my gosh, and when she took me to see that dead body? Well, I don't think I'll be going near any bus stations alone, or with people anytime soon. She totally freaked me out. I'm pissed at her, but for some reason, I'm almost glad she did it. I mean, I really doubt I'll be hitchhiking again.

The other night, she actually asked me if I did drugs, or if I've been offered any. Of course I have, but it's not like I'd actually do it. Really. My friends and I have a theory on drugs. We think that you either need professional help (like shrinks) or your life must really suck ass if you need to do drugs to do something interesting with your life.

But like I said before, all I want is for my mom to be there, more than she is now. She doesn't have to switch jobs, just… I don't know… she just has to be there, you know? If she could just listen, then that would be okay too. What would be even better is if I didn't need to make an appointment to spend time with her. I know I'm supposed to be all I'm-not-hanging-out-with-my-parents-because-I'm-too-cool, but I'm not. I really do want to spend time with her.

That's all I want.