Oh God... what the hell happened?

Well actually I know perfectly well WHAT happened. It's been a while but not that long. But... Why? How? This is... not good.

I can't look her in the face when I hand out assignments, and quickly pair her of with Nick, I can't work with her right now. I just can't.

We had just wrapped a big case, so when Catherine handed out Lindsay's hand made invitations we all took it as a chance to relax and have fun. And it was fun.

Although each of us ended up soaked by the end of it, but it was fun.

Lindsay went off after to spend the night at a friends and we all moved things inside for a while. A few drinks, a few laughs, after that, I'm not really sure. Everyone went home, I'd stayed to help Catherine clean up and then...

It was good, felt good, but it shouldn't have happened. And now I'm going to lose her all over again.

~~~~~

Gil hates me. He won't even LOOK at me.

I know last night was unexpected but damn it felt so right, so good, and now he hates me.

Does he think I was using him? That I was just scratching and itch? Or... hell I don't know what he might be thinking; I can't read him at all today.

I know Nick can tell something is going on, the look he gives me, somewhere between sympathy and the offer of an ear... he's a sweet guy, but I need to talk to Gil about this... if I can ever get him in the same room as me alone for more than two seconds.

Well worst comes to worst, I'll go to his place after work, and sit on his door step till he lets me in... or I could let myself in, I doubt he remembers but I have a key from back when I was still married to Eddie, and he wanted me to have somewhere safe to go.

~~~~~

I watch Catherine leave after shift with some relief, she didn't try and corner me today, I'm relieved, but also not... there was no indication she even wanted to talk to me, let alone talk about last night, I've really lost her this time.

I've got enough paper work to keep me here till the next shift if I wanted, but there isn't any point in doing it, because my mind isn't on the job anyway.

I keep getting flashes of last night. How soft her skin was. How hot she was around me as we met each other with eager thrusts. I thought I was past this. I knew I'd never stop loving her, but I thought I was past NEEDING her like this.

~~~~~

Gil isn't here, I know he was still at work when I left, so I'll wait... he hasn't changed the locks, the key still works.

This place is just so Gil Grissom. It FEELS like him.

Not much has changed over the years, the odd new book, new CD, the coffee table is new too, though not that new, a few years old, last one got broken. . by Eddie actually, when he came here looking for me.

I was hiding out in the bedroom, Eddie came, raged, broke the table, and got tossed out on his ear. 24hrs later he was back with flowers, and I was back home by supper time.

Why the heck did I stay with him so long?

I wish I could say it was for Lindsay, but I knew she was better of without him really, and I'm not even sure she's really his, so I can't say it was for her.

I stayed because I thought Eddie was what I deserved. It took a long time for me to realise that wasn't the case, when I caught him cheating that was the last straw. I may have been a ex-stripper, ex-coke addict, but I deserved better than a husband who cheated on me.

I won't say I deserved Gil, although I think over the years, I've built myself up quite a bit from what I use to be, to what I am now... still not sure I deserve him... but I know I want him, and I've learnt in life, you have to go for what you want, not what you deserve, or you'll never get anything.

I shouldn't, but a peak around anyway; things really haven't changed much, except he has a new bed. But then after all these years, that’s to be expected I guess.

This one is nice though... I'm nosey poking, I shouldn't be, but I haven't been in this room in maybe 5 years, not since I left Eddie.

Gil's bed hasn't been slept in obviously... I know exactly where he spent yesterday... but he's been here at some time today, I can tell, the bed has been SAT on if not slept in, Gil is particular about making his bed in the morning, so its easy to tell.

I think I'll wait right here... I'd like to see him avoid me when I'm sitting on his bed.

~~~~~

Finally home... I'm tired, but I'm not going to get any sleep I see as soon as I turn into my drive way. Catherine is here. She has a key, I assume she's inside.

I remember giving her the key. After the fourth time she turned up on my door step with tears in her eyes and a crying baby in her arms.

I never asked for it back.

She looks so peaceful asleep... asleep on my bed, that’s where I found her, curled into a ball, still fully dressed, and fast asleep.

I remember the first time we slept together... god it was so long ago, but it's like it was yesterday.

I woke up with her curled into my side, her flowing hair spread over my pillow, and her shallow breath on my chest.

She looked so content, so unlike the fiery woman who met the outside world head on.

"Gil." Her voice is sleepy, and her eyes aren't even fully open when I force myself to look into them.

Damn!

Damn! Blast! Damn!

My bedside drawer is open. I'm pretty sure she hasn't noticed, or I'd have heard about it already, but I can't take that risk. I may still be able to salvage our friendship but she can't know I still have that ring.

I force my eyes to meet hers, I've got to keep her attention focused on him and away from the open drawer beside her.

~~~~~

Oh Gil... so predictable, he's trying to distract my attention away from the draw... like it wasn't one of the first places I looked.

I had no idea he still had this... after all these years... I guess I imagined he'd taken it back to the shop, or sold it to someone.

Now, how to let him know I know, without letting him know I was nosey poking around...

"So you still have it."

Okay so much for without letting him know I was nosey poking... guess I'll go with honesty instead.

"Why did you keep it?" I ask.

"I..."

Oh I can tell this is going to go well... oh well if I'm going to do this, I may as well do it right. If I give myself credit for anything it's that I never fuck things up by half measures, I do it all the way to the end of the line.

"No it's okay, you don't need to answer that... I could guess... so I just want you to do something for me... just sit down okay, and let me talk." I ask him, patting the bed near me.

He nods dumbly at me, and I take it as a sign to continue when he sits down beside me.

I reach into the drawer and take out the ring, still nestled in the same box it was all those years ago, the box is a little worse for wear but the ring has obviously been looked after, it still sparkles like I remember it the first time I saw it.

"It's a beautiful ring... did I ever tell you the first engagement ring Eddie gave me was from a gumball machine? It was lime green, with a yellow plastic stone in the shape of a pigs face. He thought it was cute... I was drunk, or high, can't remember which and didn't really care, I was pregnant, so I married him. Seemed like a good idea at the time... Eddie was what I deserved, Eddie was what I got."

"Cath..."

"No... let me finish." I stop him as he's about to argue I've got to get this all out now or I never will.

"I was so sure for so long Eddie was the best I deserved... but over time, as I worked my way up the CSI ladder, as we built up our friendship, as Eddie got worse and I got better with the drugs and the booze, I started to think I was wrong, and when Eddie cheated that as the last straw, I knew I deserved better than that, but I still wasn't sure WHAT the better thing was " I pause for a few moments to compose myself.

"I still don't think I deserve you... but I don't think I ever could, even if I spent a million life-times trying to make myself better, make myself good enough, I couldn’t be... but I know that I want you, and I've learned that you've got to go after what you want, not what you deserve. Last night was... special... I don't want it to be the end of things... I want more, but that’s up to you... you know... I kinda wish I'd said yes now, it really is a nice ring." I tell him, leaning over and kissing his cheek lightly.

I've got to give him time to think, and just hope that he's willing to forgive me for the past, and maybe even build a future, but if nothing else, I just hope I haven't lost his friendship.

~~~~~

I'm... I can't... I'm not sure I can speak, or move, or... breath possibly.. oh yes breathing is a good idea.

"Cath..."

Gone... when did that... no, this isn't happening, she didn't just tell me what I think she did, she didn't just say she wanted to be with me, except that’s what it sounded like... was I dreaming? Am I dreaming now?

"No..."

Wow, I'm fitter than I thought, I didn't realize I could move that fast.

"Catherine!"

Her car halts in the drive where it was just about to pull out.

I slow myself and walk up to the door, opening it, and waiting for her to step out.

My eyes glace right and left and I notice the blinds of the house next to mine opening. Mrs Cartala is at it again, that woman never misses a thing; I swear she has a telescope in that house to snoop on the neighbours.

My mouth is dry and I suddenly can't think of a thing to say, not that I really had any idea what I was going to say anyway, but now I'm completely blanking on everything but the tear drops rolling down her face from her shining blue eyes.

"Oh Cath..."

My hand automatically reaches out to hold her too me, and I'm so glad when she comes, letting me hold her.

I can smell her shampoo as her head rests under my chin. It's citrus almost sweet, but with a bite... like Catherine.

I murmur in her ear as my fingers find there way into her hair and before I m really thinking I'm kissing away the tear drops on her cheeks.

Her skin is soft and the little droplets salty on my lips as I slowly kiss them away, moving closer to her mouth until it's pressed against mine.

This isn't passion, it's simply... being.

Being close, being able to feel the others lips, feel the other breathing, the others heart beating in time with your own... it's like every corny romance movie I never watched, and I don't want it to end.

I lead her back inside, glad when she follows, and for the next hour, there is silence, only broken by the odd muffled moan, and her gentle keening as she comes for me.

It's as close to heaven as I think I'll ever get, and I know I never want to spend another day without her by my side, no-matter the cost, I will not lose her this time.

~~~~~

There is sunlight in my eyes when I open them, and I'm forced to close them again quickly. It only takes me a second though to know I'm not in my own bed and to remember whose bed I am in, and to notice the distinct lack of his presence.

I open my eyes again and the sunlight is gone... the curtains have been closed over.

Gil is still here, and he comes bearing what looks like and smells like, breakfast.

Oh and was I ever right, scrabbled eggs, bacon, and a toasted bagel on the side, with coffee... oh and my first sip tells me it's the good stuff.

Its nice, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and as soon as he disposes of the tray, I feel it coming.

"Catherine..."

"No... Gil please... don't... just... I'll go okay; I just can't stand to hear..."

Oh... the ring, he has the ring... oh my god, breath Catherine, breath.

"We've both made mistakes Catherine, ones we can't fix... ones we can't take back, and maybe I'm crazy, but I'm going to do this anyway. Marry me Catherine... we can't change the past, but we can make the future better... together."

I know I'm crying again and I don't care, all I can do is nod, yes, yes, yes my heart is screaming but I can't seem to find the voice to say it, so I kiss him instead, hoping the words will just jump straight from my throat to his.

"Yes..." I finally manage to get out around the tears, as he slips the ring into my finger. It fits perfectly, and it sparkles more brilliantly than any diamond I've ever seen.

"I love you Cath." He tells me, and I nod.

"I love you too." And I do... and I did, Gil is right, we can't change or fix the past, but I'm determined to make the most of what we have no, and what we can and will have together in the future... the only problem that remains is the rest of the world... starting with my daughter.