h. Planck's constant. One of three fundamental constants in physics with units of ML2T-1 [Mass x Length squared x inverse time]. It is used on (sub)atomic scales where energy becomes quantized but position and momentum break down to probabilities.

Sometimes, life was one enormous déjà-vu; Catherine probably would have laughed if the joke was on somebody else.

Ten o'clock in the morning had her driving home from the lab. Her mood was annoyed, and it was not because she would be too late to drive Lindsey to school. The reason behind her lateness was why she silently fumed: a long-winded meeting with no purpose.

It was roughly six months after her first shift as a supervisor. She was far enough removed to objectively evaluate her performance. Unfortunately, her superiors thought the same because last night had been her second time at it.

As soon as the shift ended, Catherine found herself in a board room facing a barrage of questions. They ranged from competency levels about her fellow criminalists to their adjustment after Grissom's departure.

She answered honestly, for the most part, for she had to hide the fact that Grissom had not bothered to announce it. To their point of view, Warrick, Nick, Sara, and Greg were stunned at Grissom's sudden absence. Catherine gave them major points for the level of their professionalism and ignored their individual side trips into her--his- -office. They were trained to observe; without first-hand experience, they could not accept it.

Believe it or not, Catherine preferred to face their dumbfounded expressions a thousand times than relive the betrayal on Lindsey's.

*****

The Halloween party did become a sleepover, which meant the new toothbrushes were a fresh reminder of Grissom's impending loss. Seeing the girls giggling over frothy mouths led to thinking about breakfast, an affair of milk and waffles.

It was not fair to tell Lindsey about it that night though every moral instinct in Catherine mandated it. Then, somehow, she managed to forget about it and let the days pass like some morbid fantasy.

Finally, during the afternoon they were discussing Thanksgiving dinner, Catherine remembered he would be absent. Lindsey's repeated question had to be answered:

"Lindsey, sweetheart, we don't need to save a seat for Uncle Gil. He can't come this year."

Oh, the innocence of confusion was an expression Catherine gladly would take if it meant life would go on as it had. Grissom's unexpected non-participation in the holiday dinner was better than knowing they would have to plan everything without including him. The feeling was so bitter.

"But he comes every year, Mom."

Lindsey's argument was logical based upon the past. Catherine tried to add some steel to her spine.

"Not this year. He's leaving Vegas on the seventeenth."

"His seminars never last longer than a few days. He'll be back in time." Then, knowledge filtered in Lindsey's eyes. "You mean he's leaving Vegas for good on the seventeenth."

Catherine nodded stoically.

"Why would he do that, Mom? Why would he want to leave? We're here!"

She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time as she said, "I never got to ask him that."

Lindsey stopped glaring in her general direction and jumped to her feet. She headed towards the phone but halted a foot away.

"Mom?" Her voice was quiet, telling how she truly felt though she faced away. "How long have you known?"

"Since the night of the party."

"That's why you went to bed early."

"Honey, I wanted to tell you." Catherine winced when the apology sounded hollow to her own ears.

Lindsey took those last steps to the phone while shaking her head.

"No, I'm glad you didn't. Because if you did, I wouldn't have been able to call him." She turned and waved the handset. "May I?"

Catherine nodded but, moments later, wished she had not.

*****

She vowed to apologize on Lindsey's behalf if Grissom made any reference to it. In fact, Catherine made sure that she was readily available throughout the night. There was nothing from him, not even that skewed glance at her; it was as though Lindsey's call did not rattle him at all.

Maybe it would take time, she thought. That was how guilt often worked.

Another week passed with Lindsey waiting hopefully for a retraction of or a reason for his leaving. Disappointment was a difficult emotion to see expressed on a child's face; yet, it seemed that determination was frightening.

When Catherine cornered him somewhere, the encounter was less than satisfying.

Grissom just shrugged and asked, "What's there to say, Cath? Lindsey's right, every word. I am a coward."

There was no missing the emphasis he placed upon 'am'. Just for that, she wanted to shove or to slap him, as pithy as the desire was.

"You're anything but, Gil!" she hissed at him, completely exasperated with his compliancy.

In the end, she understood why he did not respond to Lindsey's question.

"She'll get over the hurt," Grissom had said. "But, if I give her any answer, especially an honest one, she'll never get past the anger."

Catherine let the incident slide without further mention. Lindsey, too, ceased to want an answer the closer the days approached the seventeenth.

*****

Arriving home, Catherine found a note from Lindsey:

"I suppose no answer is an answer. Love you, Lindsey."

She took the paper and used every bit of frustration within her to mask the resignation that the note declared.

*****

Six hours later, Catherine was wide awake and waiting for Lindsey. Maybe, an open conversation could dispel something.

Lindsey entered the kitchen in a subdued mood until she saw her mother. Then, she put on that particular brave face every mother dreads to see on her child. She spoke before Catherine could and her words rang with false festivity.

"Mom! You're awake. It's already a week 'til Thanksgiving and we haven't decided what we're having."

They worked on the menu between dinner for Lindsey and breakfast for Catherine. Promising to finish the following day, Lindsey began to do her homework. Catherine readied herself for work, day two of her second stint as supervisor.

Grissom's flight was scheduled to leave exactly when she would leave for the lab. She had not though about the timing before, but now, it seemed to be such a lonely time to leave.

Perhaps, he planned it that way; Catherine would never know.

*****

She drove to the lab with the same cloud of loneliness hovering like perfume. Wondering if feelings could transfer between miles, Catherine hoped Grissom's flight would go uneventfully but knew it was something else she would never know. The uncertainty was just another reminder that he was gone; this was how their friendship would end.

The irony was the Thanksgiving holiday. It mocked her for her ungracious expectation that her three constants could remain cornerstones for life.

***** ***** *****

© 09.Nov.2005