I heard he was goin' to marry some girl from Denver
Then my sister came over, had the Sunday paper with her
There was the girl on the social page
Lookin' in love and all engaged
We decided she don't take a very good picture

Nancy pulled up to her sister's house and got out of the car, armed with the Sunday paper, chocolate ice cream, brownies, hot fudge sauce and whipped cream. This was an emergency so she'd brought the 'big guns' with her.

Two days ago, Catherine had called her from a bar, extremely intoxicated and hysterical.

"He's getting married!" Catherine had wailed into the phone.

Nancy thought that this might happen, but she knew her sister was devastated. Catherine was a brilliant CSI but pretty damn stupid when it came to her love life. First she married Eddie, loser of the century, and now she let Gil slip out of her hands. Nancy wondered if her sister was ever going to get her life straightened out.

"Cath?" She called as she walked in the front door. "I'm here."

"Did you bring it?" Catherine walked into the living room, her eyes red and swollen from hours of crying.

"Yes. I even brought the paper." Nancy set the bag on the kitchen counter and turned to her sister. "I figured you hadn't seen it yet." She didn't say she knew that because Catherine hadn't called her in complete hysterics over the photo.

"Oh God! What's she look like?" Catherine squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't wanna know. I heard him on the phone last night. He called her Honey Bit! I bet she's beautiful and…and…oh I wanted to yack! Nancy it was horrible!"

"Well," Nancy began, trying to be diplomatic.

"Or she's tall and curvy, all exotic and…Italian or something!" Catherine grabbed the paper from her sister, tearing it open and thumbing through the pages until she found the engagement section. "Or maybe she's blonde and athletic. With a name like Brittney, she's got to be young. To young for him." Catherine looked up, her eyes sparkling with tears. "That's it! He's going through a mid-life crisis and thinks he needs to marry a twenty-something that only knows about the Iran-Contra affair because she learned about it in school."

"Well, not exactly."

"Oh God!" Catherine wailed, as she looked at the smiling black and white faces of Gil Grissom and Brittney Schulmeister in the paper. It was a confirmation of her worst fears. "She's beautiful!"

"Well," Nancy began again.

"Stop saying 'well'!" Catherine flopped herself down on the bar stool. "What should I do, she's beautiful and…and…beautiful! I'm going to throw up."

I drew horns and blacked out her tooth with a marker
Childish, yes, but she made such a thin little target
I couldn't be happier on my own
But I've got the slightest of a jealous bone
And seein her with him tends to enlarge it

"Now, Kitty-Kat, she's not that pretty." Nancy pointed to the picture. "Her eyes are too close together. And look, see how she's smiling? Why, the poor thing is buck-toothed." Nancy peered closely at the photo. "And I do believe she has uni-brow."

It had the desired effect; Catherine burst into giggles. Nancy gave her a quick hug and went to get bowls and spoons. A few minutes later she handed Catherine a bowl heaped with brownie, ice cream, hot fudge sauce and whipped cream.

"Here, eat up. Remember when the going gets tough…"

"The tough get chocolate," Catherine finished for her. She took a huge bite of the rich concoction and sighed, her eyes rolling back in her head. "God, this is so good."

Nancy nodded. This was how they'd gotten through their childhood crushes. Until Catherine left, that is. "So you have to meet her tonight?" She watched as her sister shuddered and nodded. "What are you going to wear?"

"Not going," Catherine said, dropping her spoon in the bowl and glancing at Nancy. "Don't look at me like that! I'm sick or dead or something." She rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I can't do it, Nan. I can't go there and pretend I'm happy for him when all I want to do is slap him or…or…"

"Kiss him? Rip his clothes off? Tackle him, throw him to the floor and wrestle him for position?"

"Yes! To all that." She sighed again. "I'm happy on my own, I like being my own boss. I don't need a man. Been there, done that, bought the shot glass, but I…I love him, Nancy. I love him so much." The tears started again and she sniffled, wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

"I know you do, Cat. But he won't marry her. I know he won't."

"How do you know? It's in the paper! He loves her!" Catherine shuddered and recalled how he'd described her, that sappy look on his face. This was worse than Terri Miller. She let her head drop to the counter with a thud.

"Because he doesn't know how you feel. He's…he's deluded. Thinking with his dick. Mid-life crisis, whatever. But he doesn't love her." Nancy patted her hair. "He loves you, Cath. I could see it when I met him."

"You only met him once, and that was four years ago!"

"Well, that's all it took to convince me."

Catherine looked up. "Really?" She watched her sister nod. Catherine grabbed a black ballpoint pen and doodled on the engagement picture. "There, that's better. She isn't very photogenic, is she?"

"Nope, you've actually made her look better. Love that toothless look she's got going on. Very Vogue." She stood and pushed at Catherine. "Come on, we've got clothes to pick out. I've got Jim's credit card, let's go see if we can hit the limit today."

It may be my family's redneck nature
Rubbin off, bringin out unladylike behavior
It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger
But I don't like her
She may be an angel who spends all winter
Bringin the homeless blankets and dinner
A regular Nobel Peace Prize a'winner
But I really hate her
I'll think of a reason later