Previously on CSI.....

....And as I stalk towards Gil, grinning manically at his startled expression, all I can think is...Screw you baton twirling paramedics, Gil and I are taking home the Gold. Yee Ha!!

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Did you know that if you're involved in a brawl in the middle of a Talent Show Contest you're automatically disqualified? I didn't...I do now.

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There we were. Centre stage. It was the 'Annual Las Vegas Emergency Services Talent Show' and the Crime Lab had decided a play would best display our talents. Gil and I were the leads in a soap opera spoof, set in a crime lab, called 'Crime of Passion'. Greg and the rest of the lab techs had written it and we hadn't actually read the script yet. We held the scripts in our hands now though and the audience was waiting for us to begin. Although with Gil standing there in nothing but a towel, I can tell you that my mind wasn't exactly on my lines. In fact, I was just about to lunge across the stage and have my wicked way with him, when Ecklie ran onstage and yelled.

"Tramp!"

Huh? Tramp? I stumble to a stop mid lunge and look over Gil's naked shoulder at the beady-eyed day-shift supervisor pointing his finger at me. I take a step towards him but before I manage to tackle him to the floor and beat him about the head, Gil spins on his heels and grabs him by his fuchsia colored shirt collar lifting him a good foot off the ground. I'm not sure what I'm more stunned at. The fact that my, usually mild mannered, Gil has yanked Ecklie from the floor and is currently shaking him about like a tambourine. Or that with all the shaking going on, Gil has about 10 seconds of modesty left before his towel completely unravels. He's practically snarling as he questions Ecklie.

"What did you call her?"

I have a spilt second to decide whether to grab the towel and save his virtue from the crowd OR do I let the towel drop, letting every one of the 500-strong audience, including myself, see what he's been hiding under those loose pants for so long. I estimate about 200 women in the audience and quickly decide to grab onto the towel and hold tight as Ecklie stutters in shock.

"I...I....I was..."

"I told you she was here with him. See the way they're dressed? A woman like that is only after one thing!"

Gil drops Ecklie to the floor and whirls around to see David enter on the other side of the stage. I just manage to cling to Gil's towel as he stalks across the theatre to stand in front of the young lab tech. I quickly knot his towel back into place and move back as Gil starts shouting at the little toad. I think maybe I should feel a little insulted here. I mean I haven't even kissed Gil yet, and people are already taking pot-shots at me. But when Gil raced across the stage to confront David, his towel slipped and I saw his butt, so as far as I'm concerned, now that I have that image firmly burned into my brain they can say what they like...I wonder how long he's had that tattoo.

"You're crazy!"

I turn to see Ecklie pulling himself from the floor, and I tell him to shut his mouth. His eyes bug out of his little coned-shaped head and I think I'm scaring him with my wide smile. But if you had seen Gil's butt you'd be smiling too.

"You are! Your crazy, the both of you! I'm gonna...."

I step forward when I hear him start to issue his threat.

"....have you both suspended...and then...I'll have that nutcase Grissom arrested for assault! You'll be working as CSI's in a one room shack in Mexico once I'm done with you!"

I'm now standing not more than a centimeter from his face and the threat to Gil wipes the smile from my face. I grab his lapel as Gil did earlier and pull him towards me and mutter menacingly.

"I'll put on my sombrero and dance the La Cucaracha on your testicles if you don't shut the hell up!"

His jaw drops, and his face turns bright red, and then the trouble really starts as Greg, Warwick, Nick, Sara, Brass, half the baton twirling paramedics, a couple of fire fighters, most of the LVPD and the plate spinning state trooper run onto the stage. It still doesn't stop Ecklie from continuing though.

"You...you....you..."

My eye starts twitching, just as Nick grabs me from behind and tries to pull me away.

"I'm serious Ecklie. It's either silence or Armageddon, chucklehead."

A paramedic has a hold of Ecklie's shirt and is trying to drag him back.

"SLUT!"

Right that's it! I bring back my hand and let fly with a punch that misses Ecklie but manages to land one of the intervening paramedics on his backside. Whoops. One of the paramedics latches onto Greg as he tries to run past and shoves him into a fire fighter. Who then shoves him into Ecklie. Ecklie throws a punch in his direction and misses, taking out the plate spinning state trooper. I can see one of the paramedics stalking towards me as a full-on melee begins, but before he can reach me a screeching David comes hurtling across the stage and takes out 2 paramedics, a fire fighter and the plate spinning state trooper who had just managed to get to his feet. I look in the direction he flew in from and get knocked to the floor by a falling Brass, but manage to see Gil run across the floor boards towards the fracas. Greg crawls up next to me between the stocking covered legs of a fire fighter and yells.

"What happened?!?"

Gil's standing next to me taking the baton from a paramedic. And I feel slightly guilty as I lean forward to look up his towel. Not guilty enough to stop. But guilty enough that I'm not tugging it away from his hips. Greg squeals and latches onto me when the plate spinning state trooper slides past him, pulling me away from Gil, just as I manage to get my head at an angle to see anything good. Doh! I turn to answer his question.

"He called me a tramp!"

Greg lets go of the leg attached to a LVPD detective and yells huffily.

"It was part of the script!"

....whoops. Heh. Oh well. I wonder if we can still win the Title. When I see the LVPD throw the plate spinner off the stage and into the Judges table I think maybe not. The four women judges shriek and start hitting the fallen state trooper with their thick scoring pads. From my place on the floor I can see Warwick has a fire fighter in a headlock and Nick and Sara are sitting on a squirming paramedic. As far as I can tell we're winning the fight and I think that last man standing should win the award. Things are calming down now anyway, so I pull myself from the floor, Greg still clinging tightly onto my elbow. I begin making my way over to Gil who I see near the edge of the stage standing in front of the judges table, still exchanging words with Ecklie.

"Grissom, I've been praying for years that you would shoot yourself in the foot SOOOO badly that you would be thrown out of the department."

Everyone has stopped fighting to watch the two CSI's stand toe to toe in front of the entire audience.

"Ecklie, if there was a God, you'd smear your ass with monkey pheromones and go flirt with some horny apes, you shameful waste of oxygen and water!"

We all start moving forward, but before we can reach them, Ecklie launches a punch at Gil's head. Gil ducks quickly and pushes Ecklie back with a hand on his chest. All the judges are all still standing around their broken table watching the entertainment with wide eyed enthusiasm and I wonder again if we're in for a chance at the award. I mean this was WAY more exciting than a bunch of paramedics twirling some lame ass flaming batons. Then I start laughing as Ecklie trips backwards over his feet and hovers at the end of the stage, his arms windmilling frantically, as he tries to stop himself from tumbling off the stage. I'm standing just behind Gil now and just as I think Ecklie's about to fall, he overcorrects his balance and lurches forward, his hands reaching for something to break his landing. Unfortunately the only thing in front of him is Gil. Ecklie's hands slide down Gil's body stopping briefly at the towel Gil has managed to keep on during the entire skirmish, and then as the towel gives way to gravity he falls to the floor still clutching the towel in his hands.

I'm not sure who's more stunned. Gil, myself or the 500 people sitting in the audience. He turns quickly, obviously deciding that he'd much rather have them stare at his butt than continue to stare at his....oh my. I don't know what I should be thinking about right now, but I'm pretty sure it isn't 'yay!' As far as I'm concerned if we don't win the award after this then the whole damn contest is rigged. I lick my suddenly dry lips and move forward as a blushing Gil reaches down and swipes his towel away from Ecklie, quickly fastening it around his hips. Spoil sport. His head is still down and he looks so uncomfortable that I just want to wrap him up in a great big hug. Instead I grab his hand and lead him swiftly off the stage just as the female portion of the audience starts hollering. We almost make it behind the curtain, when Brass, laughing loudly, yells out.

"Hey Gil? Nice tattoo!"

Gil groans sorrowfully, and then takes the lead, as he starts pulling me from the stage. We pick up our clothes from a corner and leaving our costumes on, race into the parking lot, jump in the waiting Tahoe and speed away from the building.

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We made it back to my house without further incident and as Gil disappeared to change into some clothes, I called Warwick and asked for an update.

"Well let's see. After you and the 'forensic flasher' left, Ecklie started whining to everybody about his traumatic experience at the hands of Gil Grissom. Unfortunately for him the Mayor thought the whole thing was hilarious and told the Sheriff in no uncertain terms that there were to be no repercussions from tonight's show. Nick hooked up with one of the judges, Sara hasn't moved since Gris lost his towel and is still sitting on the stage in a puddle of her own drool. Greg has raced back to the lab to tell everybody what happened and I'm just about to head back to the lab as well after I've dropped of a very traumatised David."

Wow.

"Did we win?"

I hear him snort into the phone.

"No, we were disqualified, along with the paramedics, the LVPD, the fire fighters and the plate spinning state trooper. The only person not involved in the brawl was awarded victory by default - the magician."

Wow. That has to be a record of some sort. I still think we were robbed though.

Well we didn't win the Title of 'Most Talented Emergency Service in Las Vegas' but I got to see Gil naked so I'm calling it a victory. And as the image of his VERY well proportioned body flashes across my brain, I smile broadly. I can hear him walking into the room behind and I realise we're finally alone. I bite my lip but I just have to ask him the question that's been on my mind since his towel slipped.

"Gil...why is my name tattooed on your butt?

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The End. :)