He lies awake playing possum, breathing in her scent she is everywhere in this room which is no longer his. No longer "theirs"- he has betrayed himself twice now and in so little time. Her sweet smell, so intoxicating, has penetrated the walls and the wood he is drowning in an ocean of her, surrendered completely to the depths, knowing he is lost. The sleeping form beside him whimpers and adjusts her head deeper into this shoulder. Her silky skin caresses his side, her hand lays idle on his chest over his heart- her strawberry hair, washed across her face, tickles his chest. He gently brushes her hair back behind her ear and lets his eyes travel across slope of her cheek to the curve of chin, her shoulder her perfect breast and beyond she is a lush landscape of gentle curvilinear lines and planes of fiercely beautiful flesh. He is both deeply aroused and ashamed.

Yesterday his life made sense. He had fought with himself these long months over giving himself to love. He had come home yesterday, having surrendered the fight, playing the love sick fool chasing his desire down the hallway like an eager school boy. She had been the one to pursue him offering her youth and her need. God she needed him, adored him and desired him above all else. It was overwhelming and frightening the way she inflamed him. It felt wrong and then it felt so right. He was her salvation- she was his. His last chance to have the love he had denied himself. He would find a way to make it work ­to hell with everything he had said, everything he was- that guy was alone- and all of those high ideals were little comfort on a cold night. Yes yesterday his life made sense- and now nothing did.

He toys with the charms on her bracelet. He had no idea she had this, perhaps she wore it to honor his return. The idea made him smile sadly. He picks up a tiny microscope inscribed with the date she started at the lab, Oh my God was she a vision- no woman had ever turned a head like this one- he laughed to himself thinking of how the lab rats fawned over her, how she completely ignored them- and how it took Brass forever to get the boys back on task. He saw there were birthstones one for each of the team- this made sense-she believed they were family. His he noticed was on the wing of a butterfly, he rubbed his finger across it - she was always his butterfly- well was always his butterfly he thought yes she always fluttering off… he caresses it and moves to the next- The bow tie- from Eklie's dinner ­ he could hear her say "you need a woman" this made his heart ache all over again. The next- a wood beetle he remembered asking her if she could keep him and her half smirk when she told him it was evidence, a martini glass- ah yes the night he told her how much he missed her- that was a night with promise- had he had the courage, then a gold shooting star that held within it points a small image of a truck- she remembered that night how he mused on trucks and stars and the molecular connectedness of everything- and yes even this gold forged in a supernova traveling 3 million light years to gather together to encircle her lovely wrist. If only he had know how much he meant to her before all this … he felt a tear forming asking himself "what have I done". She stirs and moves her hand hugging him firmer in her embrace a content smile on her lips.

Yesterday he was ready to commit, today he found himself in need of two lives two directions apposing one another- threatening to tear him and both the women he loved apart. He cursed Mike Keppler for getting himself killed. He cursed himself for being weak, for not being able to draw a distinction between comfort and seduction. He felt predatory. He recalls the events in detail.

When he found her standing in the back of the ambulance willing Keppler to live ­ the look of horror and disbelief on her face when they pronounced him and her breaking down in tears- something he had rarely experienced from her ­ even when her daughters life was in jeopardy-he wasn't sure what to do- he hesitated but he put his arm around her and she drew into him. What happened next was something totally unexpected- He should have taken her home, but she didn't want to be alone. He brought her to his townhouse, he poured her a drink. She sat beside him and they talked about Mike ­ about the team and about the distance that had grown between them… she told him what he meant to her…she told him that she loved him and he totally lost all self control. He kissed her with twenty years of pent up frustrated passion he kissed her like a mad mans dying wish and she kissed him back with equal passion. Without a word he lifted her light frame from the couch and carried her to his bed. To have her there to hold her to feel her heat surrounding him was beyond anything he could have imagined, she was skillful in her arts and he was completely consumed by her. In her passion, she held him undivided the scientist, the man, and the hungry insatiable lover, no woman had ever given him so much- he was tremendously happy - he had been never loved so well as to leave him weak and wanting more- and this, at her worst time at her lowest ­ he wondered what she would be like when she was happy- He almost feared it. He kisses the top of her head and is brought out of his revere by her eyes fluttering open, blue meeting blue. She smiles at him brilliantly and his heart breaks…

He says "I love you Cath" and thinks "what the hell am I going to do… "