"Gil?"

"Catherine, hi. How are you?" He looked very nervous; I couldn't even tell if he wanted to be here.

"What are you doing here? How long have you been outside guarding my doorstep?" I asked

"Well, uh...actually I just got here. You opened the door before I had the chance to ring the bell."

He was lying. I could tell. I know this man so well. I gave myself a mental shake. I don't want him here. It hurts to see him, to be this close to him.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. Come on in," I moved aside to let him in. Why am I doing this? I should just tell him to leave. I don't want to go through the same ordeal twice in one day.

"Catherine, we need to talk."

"I don't think so. We talked enough. We said enough," I knew that wasn't completely true. I didn't give him a chance to say anything. I just walked away...like a coward.

"I need to know, Catherine. I think I deserve that much. Whatever the issue is, I'm sure we can work something out. We always have. There's no reason for you to go away like this," he practically begged me.

Oh, Gil. If only you knew, if only you had a clue that I'm hurting as much as you are now. But I have to do this. I've made up my mind and there's no going back, I said to myself. It's for my own good...and his.

"Gil, you don't understand. I have to do this. I have no choice. I..." I didn't know what else to say. I was completely lost for words.

"What do you mean you have no choice? We always have a choice. You, of all people, should know better than that. You can choose to talk to me instead of running away. And I don't even know what you're running away from! Okay, maybe I do. It's me, right? Where did I go wrong, Catherine? Can you tell me that much?".

His voice rose with every sentence. He's hurting and it's my fault. The look on his face, the hurt, the anguish, the guilt. All the unsaid emotion is tearing me apart because I know it's all because of me.

"It's not you, Gil. It's me. It's all me. Can't you see? I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to live like this," I'm losing it...I could feel it. I had to make it stop. Stop torturing yourself, Catherine.

"Don't give me the whole `it's not you, it's me' bullshit, Catherine. We're not a couple of stupid sixteen years olds. Catherine, what is going on? You couldn't live like what? I don't get it. Did something happen to you?" he was trying desperately to understand me, searching for a black spot in my dark soul.

"Like I'm hanging on a thread, that's' what. I've been there before. With Eddie. I depended on him so much until I couldn't live without him, until I didn't know how to live without him even when he beat me half to death. He was a major first class bastard but he was also my husband and I loved him in my own way. Then he cheated on me. That was a major soap opera moment in my life. I hated him for that," I couldn't believe I told him all these again, rehashing what should have been buried long ago.

I walked away from him and stood behind the glass window. The weather outside was so calm and quiet. I felt guilty for having this kind of conversation in a weather like this. But he asked for it. He wanted to know. So let him have it. I took a deep shuddering breath and continued.

"A part of me died when I saw him lying in the autopsy room. I was so mad at him for treating me the way he did, but most of all, I hated him for not loving me the way I loved him. But I manage to get through my life every day because I got you. You are like the savior to my broken soul. You were there for me in my darkest moment, Gil. After Eddie died, you take great care of me and my daughter. That makes me love you even more each passing day, and I know you feel the same way," I turned to look at him, waiting for him to deny the truth we both know. But he just looked at me and I could feel the love, the passion in his eyes.

TBC