~~ I've strung the Christmas lights around the tree
And hung a holly wreath where it should be--
A fire glows, and I suppose
There's nothing left for me to do:
Christmas is waiting for you.~~

I stand admiring the tree before me, and I have to smile at the site it once made. Never leave a child to decorate a Christmas tree alone. They tend to forget that there is a back to the tree, but Lindsay wanted to do it as a surprise for me.

Like Christmases of the last 10 years, I send her to spend time with my family so I can spend it with Gil and spend Christmas morn with her.

Why do I keep sending her away they ask if he doesn't come? I usually try to shove it off, but I know deep down I hope that he will show up on my doorstep. It is my one day in the year I hope for the greatest present of all, him.

Each year I invite him to come spend it with me, but he shrugs and he says if he gets it off he will come. The problem is that he never does ask for it off.

All my decorations are up, and the house is perfectly clean. There is nothing left for me to do to get ready. I'm wearing my best dress, and I sit before the fire, waiting. Waiting for something that may never come true but I wait.

I sniff away any tears that may threaten to fall from my tired eyes.

~~ And soon I'll hear your step upon the snow;
The tune the doorbell chimes will thrill me so
And I believe this Christmas Eve
You'll find your every wish comes true--
Christmas is waiting for you.~~

My eyes start to shut as I sit waiting with my favorite drink, vodka and orange juice. What was that? Did I hear tires on the snow outside?

I stand up quickly, ignoring my drink, and move slowly to the door. I don't want to appear too excited if it was him. I hear more sounds outside. It must be him.

My heart races as I slowly walk to the door. Then the sounds stop, and I look out the window. It was only a car turning around in my driveway.

I take another swig of my drink. What's the use of hoping for something that will never come true? He doesn't want to spend Christmas with you. You are no longer important to him…

"Stop!" I shout obviously to myself.

Christmas means very little to him, and you know it. He doesn't like celebrating the holiday, and he prefers to work. Stop putting feelings where they aren't justified.

But are they? Does it really matter his reasoning? It all has the same result. I'm alone, and next year I won't send Lindsay away.

~~ And I could tell that first noel we shared,
The angels sighed from high above
The Yuletide meaning like a greeting card
Unfolding to some words of love.~~

Many people would probably bet we met while he was working a case, but it wasn't. We met in Montana. It had been my first and last trip there since I left home all those years ago. I was out of money, and had hoped Mom would take me back in.

There had been one hope that Christmas, and it didn't come from my mother. A younger Gil Grissom was there for a convention. The sparks flew as he shook my hand, and I knew we would have something special.

I fell in love with the man at first sight, and I told him so just before he left to go home to Las Vegas on Christmas Eve. He looked at me with sad eyes, and said it could never work out.

My youthfulness won over the battle to fight for him or not. I decided I was moving to Las Vegas, and try to win him back.

Here I am 20 years later and I never have had him as more than a friend. Each year hoping I can repeat those words of love that are meant for him. That time in Montana lets me know that I can make him happy, because I have never seen him happier then those days at home.

~~ A Christmas candle on the window sill
Is burning low and low and lower still;
As morning breaks, the world awakes
And here's what I've awakened to--
Christmas is waiting and waiting and waiting,
Christmas is waiting for you.~~

My eyes slowly shut with the help of the time and the alcohol. The last image of a candle lowering until it blows out from some draft in the room peak through my eyelids. The night is gone, and he once again doesn't appear.

I wake up with a start, and look at the now dead fire. My pain is gone as I realize it's the end of all my years of hoping. In its wake is numbness and I have no idea what to feel anymore.

I'm still in my dress, and I decide that I can get a couple of more hours of sleep before heading to my sister's where Lindsay is staying. Quickly changing, I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling, contemplating the future where there is no hope all year round. Christmas was once for waiting, but not anymore.

The End of Part One