I still can see shadows walking around, asking for his favorite tie or another cup of coffee. Sometimes these images are so real that I can almost believe they are happening. But then I remember that I couldn’t even listen if he comes and opens the door.

I look around searching for any sign of mess. Nothing. The bookcase is plenty of science books and journals mixed with books of arts and few photos.

I stop at a special one. Gil, in his 6 years, sitting on his grandma’s lap. That was a long time ago. He’s grown up now. He is a man. He no longer needs me when he is sick or feeling confused. I guess he believes he needs nobody at all. Neither do I. At least no one who could go away as he father’s did.

I go upstairs and open Gil’s bedroom door slowly. He is busy choosing what to take and what to leave. Suddenly his bright eyes meet mine.

‘Mom, are you okay?’ - He signs for me. He knows ASL so well that sometimes I think he knows it better than I do.

I try to hide a tear, with no success. He gets up and walks to where I am.

‘I’ll be fine.’ - I finally answer, my eyes on the ground.

He is leaving California, moving to Nevada. I knew one day it’d have to happen, but now I’m here watching my son’s as one day I watched his father go.

‘Mom,’ - He touches my face and I look at his eyes. - ‘You know I’m not abandoning you. I know I won’t be able to come every weekend, but I’m ..." - I know what he means and I’m acting like a fool. I’m not like this usually.

But I don’t know. Today, shadows seem more alive than ever.

I never got married again. I dedicated my life to my son and my career. As I lost my hearing my attention to beauty increased extraordinarily. And getting involved with beauty helps one forgetting the sadness inside. And I would never sadness be reflected in my eyes. Until now. I look around on his room. While I feel him holding me from behind, and his head laying on my shoulder, as he always does when he wants to show me that he loves me.

Sometimes I can hardly believe this bright man is my son. At least my failed weeding brought something good not only to me. I know Gil can make difference to society. He has already proved it. He chose the perfect job. I can’t avoid being proud of him. Doctor Gerard once said that Gil would be one of the best forensics investigators of the country. I know he will be. That’s why he’s moving to Vegas. To make difference.

My disability scares me sometimes. Not because of me, as I’m now used to it, but because of Gil. It’s hard to know that maybe he’ll have to pass through all I’ve passed one day. It’s not the inheritance I’d like to give him. But it doesn’t depend on me so I leave in God’s hands.

I sigh. I can’t stop the world but I can look ahead to the future.

I dry my tears and turn to face him.

‘I’m proud of you.’

~Fin~